Once the gavel dropped and my divorce was final, I was very eager to get back out there and date and experience this single life. Not run into the arms of someone long term but perhaps educate myself to act more like a 30 year old sane single person than a broken, rejected, bitter 17 year old. I signed up for Match.com. Wow, who needs Drew when you can just post a few pretty pics of yourself up on some website for all strange men to see and comment and wink at? I was overwhelmed with my responses. And honestly, feeling pretty good about it. A funny sidebar, Drew came up in one of my matches. So, I filled all my spare time when the boys would go away to Kevin's, dating. Lunch dates, dinner dates, whatever. JUST when I was about to give up, I met Jefferson. You might be asking why I would want to give up if I was so flattered and what sounded like fun. No, I would get so sick before every date and after about the 3rd one, I was bored. No one ever got a second date during that dating frenzy. Too, in the evenings of my time with the boys, I was beginning to feel the effects of singlemommydom. I just wanted to be alone and envisioned being this SuperMom. A true SuperMom need not be attached. My emotions were wavering. Jefferson was very intriguing to me. He was funny in email exchanges. It was an off-beat funny but I liked it. He's a single dad and I'm a single mom so getting synced for a first meeting/date was near impossible. We started communicating in early May and then by May 17th we met. This was the greatest date thus far. We met one Sunday evening at about 6pm at a place called Opal Divine's. Our date lasted just after midnight or close to it. One thing I was surprised by was that he kissed me in mid-sentence at one point. No one had tried that yet. It was okay for JR though. We were connecting. There was something there.
Fast forward a few months and things were progressing well. We had a great time getting out kids together. I looked so forward to every spare weekend just being with him and doing something new. He took me on the race track and exposed me to that. I love that. I would like to venture that on my own. It's not redneck racing, it's fun, exciting, like a rollercoaster but better, no loops. Christmas was a defining moment for us. I woke up Christmas morning and just felt a wave of emotion. Here is this great guy that has gone out of his way to do nice things for me (and my kids), gifts, time, etc. and I just felt like I was being disloyal to Kevin having JR there on Christmas. Like I was being disloyal to the boys. Then when Kasyn fell on the fireplace and gashed his head open and no one escorted me to the ER with him and we laid in the hospital bed, just the two of us, it hit me. Ideally, the man of my dreams would've wanted to be the hero and help me. There was no reason he couldn't have come. His son was fine w/ my other two kids staying behind w/ my mom, sister, brother, brother-in-law, etc. That's when I first noticed that something was missing. Hell, I even called Kevin to tell him I was on my way to the ER w/ Kasyn (his son, mind you) and he said, "Alright, I'm watching a movie, let me know how it goes." Floored. I was floored. There was a tornado in my heart and I didn't know how to react. Then JR didn't make grandious efforts to attend my birthday party the following month but knew well in advance my plans. He did great things for my birthday....like decorated my apartment, took me to a nice dinner a few weeks prior, etc. But all of my friends were coming in town and he didn't come out with us. Then we started fighting more and more. I felt pushed away, unimportant, and started internally evaluating where I was in my life. We would talk about "us" but it wasn't really coming to a common ground. And with every holiday or event, in the back of my mind, I saw Kevin. No, I didn't/don't want Kevin back but this unfamiliarity of someone else in his place was a very conflicted feeling. We had a great Spring Break together. My kids were gone to Kevin's and I spent some time alone at my apartment which was nice and some time with JR. It was good. Then we had the boys birthday party. That went well but even then I noticed distance between us. Work got really chaotic following that week. His travel got chaotic and rather than gripping on and trudging through it, we drifted. And he was in NYC working and called one night, out of sheer exhaustion, I could not extend myself to have a conversation about "us" so I let him go. The next morning, his facebook status had changed from "in a relationship w/ Khaki" to "single"...I woke up to my phone beeping. My sister had sent me a text, "Did you break up with JR? Check fb." Out of all honesty, I had tried to break up with him 3 times before this but couldn't do it. I don't know if I was fearful of hurting him or losing someone so great. He really is a wonderful guy. We just have a few misfires in connecting and I can't understand why he's adamant about holding his ground on some things. Perhaps, JR likes the "get them before they get you" self defeating game. Several of his friends couldn't believe he had broken up w/ me. I'm not being arrogant or judgmental but I think I was one of the prettiest girls he's dated. I have other attributes but I'll elaborate on that in a few. He's 38, divorced, has a 2 year old son (7 months younger than my twins), 6 ft tall, pretty brown eyes, great job, stable, has goals, dreams, is a gentleman, very smart, etc. He suggested we go to counseling or do some sort of self-study on our relationship (workbooks, etc). I just wasn't into it. I spent the majority of my marriage always in counseling for something and it didn't prove to be fruitful. I'm divorced, right? So, the ultimate fruition of all that therapy would be that I would be in a healthy marriage today. I'm not. At any rate, we continued to talk on the phone, text, email. He's just emotionally unavailable to me. Things I think are huge, he's so pragmatic about. Things I get excited or upset about, he's not. He's not my soft place to fall. As for religion, we are on opposite spectrums. Some important members in my family voted that he just doesn't fit in. I agree but not quite sure how much weight that carries. It's my life. We've gone back and forth several times, get back together? don't get back together? I don't understand why it has to be so hard. On one hand, I know we have some major disconnects. So, why not walk away and chalk it up to some really great memories? On another hand, the grass isn't always greener and while love was created in heaven, so was thunder and lightening. But does that mean I would be settling? Then there's a part of me that doesn't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for. That proves true for Kevin and JR. JR even claims that I was "one of his life's greatest loves"...and that's sad to me because a really great love is worth so much compromise, sacrifice, conversation, etc. But, he's not. He's shut himself off from showing any emotion to this break-up. I hear the words when we do talk but I don't feel them. I always said I was a script in his life. Take Khaki out and insert anyone else and it would be the same. I think that's true still. He claims that what we had was so rare and special. But yet, I feel so replaceable. Deep down, I know there is only one Khaki D. The bitter, crazy bitch part of me hopes that haunts him for awhile. You'll never find one like me. Ask Nick or Kevin. :-)
Drew had a list of things he was looking for in a relationship. Something like, must haves, might have, desire but okay if not present, etc. JR isn't fitting my must have list so why am I holding onto the idea of him working out so much? I had asked for some time to gain clarity. I wasn't sure if that was a few days, weeks, a month, whatever. He wasn't willing to give me that so he bailed, set up a match.com profile and jumped back into the dating game again. In my head, I'm well aware that I'm beautiful and have a lot to offer. In my head I know that I'm better than this. This being fighting, drama, arguing, trying to sell myself or convince someone I'm worth holding onto. You see, I have it, in this head of mine, that someday, I'm going to be "that" girl....the girl that is the main character in some famous love story. The girl worth holding onto. The girl worth fighting for. The girl they write about in those country songs. JR believes that there's not one person for everyone. I agree to an extent. So, while relationships do take work, I don't think it should be so hard. I don't think it should be rocket science. I'm a hopeless romantic despite my heartbreaks in life.
I did have a bit of a confidence booster recently. Several of my friends have said in a number of ways that I was too good for JR. That I was too pretty, too bubbly, too extroverted. We'll get to the authors of those comments in a few blogs. My sister said he didn't gel with my family. I mean, they liked him. Those that knew me and Kevin just didn't think me and JR were as connected. Some would be ever so insightful to say that my eyes don't spark like they should. They can just "tell"...I'm not sure my family isn't comparing him to Kevin. While me and Kevin had our issues, they loved him unconditionally, until he asked the dealer to hit while he was sitting on 19, that is. But if I was "too pretty" and guys are such physical beings, why isn't that worth a little fight? Oh, I'm far more than a pretty face but seriously?
Basically, I've spent this past week in a horrible funk. I cry at the drop of a hat. I lay on the couch missing Jefferson. My kids ask about him. I miss the fun. I miss all that we did. I miss having someone. Ouch, I know some of you reading just gave yourselves a point for me saying that last sentence but there's more to it. I'm conflicted. My heart tells me to move on. My head tells me to evaluate this a little better. So, I've named JR, the Tinman. I think on the outside, he appears to be all these great things but deep down, he doesn't know love like I know it. He doesn't know the depths of love. Therefore, does that mean he doesn't know or comprehend his own capabilities? Do I fault him for that or show him how it's possible? To a fault and to his favor, he's the very opposite of Kevin. I believe people are brought together for reason. Am I finished? Is my job done? Or is there more to learn and teach?
To his defense, I don't think his family did him justice on his upbringing. They're all very smart, college educated individuals with their own quirks but when I'm around them, there's a sense of cold. There's a distance between all of them. My family has a far better grip on loving each other. Not to say we don't fight or hurt one another but we always bounce back, often times, closer than we were before.
So, why is it when a guy doesn't get his way, rather than express some vulnerability and confront it, he jumps ship? Runs in the other direction? Rebounds so quickly to fill the role in that script? This is true with Kevin too. I don't feel like typing about Georgia right now but Kevin truly did lose the love of his life x 4 (me and the boys) and he already has a replacement. Or maybe saying he already has a distraction is better. If JR can look me in the eyes and say that he hasn't felt that connected, we're rare and special, etc., etc., etc., then what are you looking for? I don't believe in the, "if you love something set it free" saying. I do, however, believe that "with every good-bye, you learn".....
Fast forward a few months and things were progressing well. We had a great time getting out kids together. I looked so forward to every spare weekend just being with him and doing something new. He took me on the race track and exposed me to that. I love that. I would like to venture that on my own. It's not redneck racing, it's fun, exciting, like a rollercoaster but better, no loops. Christmas was a defining moment for us. I woke up Christmas morning and just felt a wave of emotion. Here is this great guy that has gone out of his way to do nice things for me (and my kids), gifts, time, etc. and I just felt like I was being disloyal to Kevin having JR there on Christmas. Like I was being disloyal to the boys. Then when Kasyn fell on the fireplace and gashed his head open and no one escorted me to the ER with him and we laid in the hospital bed, just the two of us, it hit me. Ideally, the man of my dreams would've wanted to be the hero and help me. There was no reason he couldn't have come. His son was fine w/ my other two kids staying behind w/ my mom, sister, brother, brother-in-law, etc. That's when I first noticed that something was missing. Hell, I even called Kevin to tell him I was on my way to the ER w/ Kasyn (his son, mind you) and he said, "Alright, I'm watching a movie, let me know how it goes." Floored. I was floored. There was a tornado in my heart and I didn't know how to react. Then JR didn't make grandious efforts to attend my birthday party the following month but knew well in advance my plans. He did great things for my birthday....like decorated my apartment, took me to a nice dinner a few weeks prior, etc. But all of my friends were coming in town and he didn't come out with us. Then we started fighting more and more. I felt pushed away, unimportant, and started internally evaluating where I was in my life. We would talk about "us" but it wasn't really coming to a common ground. And with every holiday or event, in the back of my mind, I saw Kevin. No, I didn't/don't want Kevin back but this unfamiliarity of someone else in his place was a very conflicted feeling. We had a great Spring Break together. My kids were gone to Kevin's and I spent some time alone at my apartment which was nice and some time with JR. It was good. Then we had the boys birthday party. That went well but even then I noticed distance between us. Work got really chaotic following that week. His travel got chaotic and rather than gripping on and trudging through it, we drifted. And he was in NYC working and called one night, out of sheer exhaustion, I could not extend myself to have a conversation about "us" so I let him go. The next morning, his facebook status had changed from "in a relationship w/ Khaki" to "single"...I woke up to my phone beeping. My sister had sent me a text, "Did you break up with JR? Check fb." Out of all honesty, I had tried to break up with him 3 times before this but couldn't do it. I don't know if I was fearful of hurting him or losing someone so great. He really is a wonderful guy. We just have a few misfires in connecting and I can't understand why he's adamant about holding his ground on some things. Perhaps, JR likes the "get them before they get you" self defeating game. Several of his friends couldn't believe he had broken up w/ me. I'm not being arrogant or judgmental but I think I was one of the prettiest girls he's dated. I have other attributes but I'll elaborate on that in a few. He's 38, divorced, has a 2 year old son (7 months younger than my twins), 6 ft tall, pretty brown eyes, great job, stable, has goals, dreams, is a gentleman, very smart, etc. He suggested we go to counseling or do some sort of self-study on our relationship (workbooks, etc). I just wasn't into it. I spent the majority of my marriage always in counseling for something and it didn't prove to be fruitful. I'm divorced, right? So, the ultimate fruition of all that therapy would be that I would be in a healthy marriage today. I'm not. At any rate, we continued to talk on the phone, text, email. He's just emotionally unavailable to me. Things I think are huge, he's so pragmatic about. Things I get excited or upset about, he's not. He's not my soft place to fall. As for religion, we are on opposite spectrums. Some important members in my family voted that he just doesn't fit in. I agree but not quite sure how much weight that carries. It's my life. We've gone back and forth several times, get back together? don't get back together? I don't understand why it has to be so hard. On one hand, I know we have some major disconnects. So, why not walk away and chalk it up to some really great memories? On another hand, the grass isn't always greener and while love was created in heaven, so was thunder and lightening. But does that mean I would be settling? Then there's a part of me that doesn't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for. That proves true for Kevin and JR. JR even claims that I was "one of his life's greatest loves"...and that's sad to me because a really great love is worth so much compromise, sacrifice, conversation, etc. But, he's not. He's shut himself off from showing any emotion to this break-up. I hear the words when we do talk but I don't feel them. I always said I was a script in his life. Take Khaki out and insert anyone else and it would be the same. I think that's true still. He claims that what we had was so rare and special. But yet, I feel so replaceable. Deep down, I know there is only one Khaki D. The bitter, crazy bitch part of me hopes that haunts him for awhile. You'll never find one like me. Ask Nick or Kevin. :-)
Drew had a list of things he was looking for in a relationship. Something like, must haves, might have, desire but okay if not present, etc. JR isn't fitting my must have list so why am I holding onto the idea of him working out so much? I had asked for some time to gain clarity. I wasn't sure if that was a few days, weeks, a month, whatever. He wasn't willing to give me that so he bailed, set up a match.com profile and jumped back into the dating game again. In my head, I'm well aware that I'm beautiful and have a lot to offer. In my head I know that I'm better than this. This being fighting, drama, arguing, trying to sell myself or convince someone I'm worth holding onto. You see, I have it, in this head of mine, that someday, I'm going to be "that" girl....the girl that is the main character in some famous love story. The girl worth holding onto. The girl worth fighting for. The girl they write about in those country songs. JR believes that there's not one person for everyone. I agree to an extent. So, while relationships do take work, I don't think it should be so hard. I don't think it should be rocket science. I'm a hopeless romantic despite my heartbreaks in life.
I did have a bit of a confidence booster recently. Several of my friends have said in a number of ways that I was too good for JR. That I was too pretty, too bubbly, too extroverted. We'll get to the authors of those comments in a few blogs. My sister said he didn't gel with my family. I mean, they liked him. Those that knew me and Kevin just didn't think me and JR were as connected. Some would be ever so insightful to say that my eyes don't spark like they should. They can just "tell"...I'm not sure my family isn't comparing him to Kevin. While me and Kevin had our issues, they loved him unconditionally, until he asked the dealer to hit while he was sitting on 19, that is. But if I was "too pretty" and guys are such physical beings, why isn't that worth a little fight? Oh, I'm far more than a pretty face but seriously?
Basically, I've spent this past week in a horrible funk. I cry at the drop of a hat. I lay on the couch missing Jefferson. My kids ask about him. I miss the fun. I miss all that we did. I miss having someone. Ouch, I know some of you reading just gave yourselves a point for me saying that last sentence but there's more to it. I'm conflicted. My heart tells me to move on. My head tells me to evaluate this a little better. So, I've named JR, the Tinman. I think on the outside, he appears to be all these great things but deep down, he doesn't know love like I know it. He doesn't know the depths of love. Therefore, does that mean he doesn't know or comprehend his own capabilities? Do I fault him for that or show him how it's possible? To a fault and to his favor, he's the very opposite of Kevin. I believe people are brought together for reason. Am I finished? Is my job done? Or is there more to learn and teach?
To his defense, I don't think his family did him justice on his upbringing. They're all very smart, college educated individuals with their own quirks but when I'm around them, there's a sense of cold. There's a distance between all of them. My family has a far better grip on loving each other. Not to say we don't fight or hurt one another but we always bounce back, often times, closer than we were before.
So, why is it when a guy doesn't get his way, rather than express some vulnerability and confront it, he jumps ship? Runs in the other direction? Rebounds so quickly to fill the role in that script? This is true with Kevin too. I don't feel like typing about Georgia right now but Kevin truly did lose the love of his life x 4 (me and the boys) and he already has a replacement. Or maybe saying he already has a distraction is better. If JR can look me in the eyes and say that he hasn't felt that connected, we're rare and special, etc., etc., etc., then what are you looking for? I don't believe in the, "if you love something set it free" saying. I do, however, believe that "with every good-bye, you learn".....
You said it yourself... he doesn't believe there is just one love for every person... therefore, he moves on. Men know there are many more out there, so why stick around. Whereas women do the opposite and try to make the one that isn't, the one... JR isn't it, but there will be one and you will know. I always believe and this was true for Joe and I. You will "know" within 30 days of meeting eachother, usually shorter than that, but 30 days is a good time to say yep, this is it or nope, moving on...
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