Friends and Feedback Abound

Over the last 2 weeks I've realized again that I am surrounded by wondeful people. Its not that the negative spewing of someone builds me up or makes me feel better but after the demise of several encounters, you begin to have self doubt and these folks, however biased offered reassurance and alleviated that self doubt that was starting to creep in. These are the comments I've gotten back from those near and dear to me regarding the 227 mile issue. I was going to use initials but its just easier if I list them.

1) If its because he likes you so much, 300 miles could work. Sounds like he's taking the chicken shit route blaming distance even though he really likes you...which is stupid and doesn't make sense but boys are stupid and don't make sense.

2) It has you in a funk because its been awhile since you really were in a great relationship and the one you were in went to shit. You're tired of being alone and tired of fighting all of your battles without a co-captain. Not only does that happen, its totally normal and it's ok. Even ok to be mad about it (if you're mad). Yes, you're great and yes, you're beautiful, and yes, that's easy to say because we're related. But moreso because we are related, I'd tell you if you were effing stuff up royally or being an ass. I'm voting he's a douche. Just a different kind than you're used to.

3) I finally read the blog. You still have the ability to fall for someone. It's going to come together for you. Even if you have to wait for me to get my shit together. Its late, I'll talk to you later.

4) Sounds like a cop-out. He's either lying to you and blaming the distance because he can't be man enough to fight for what he wants or he's gay.

5) Think about it. Its black and white, Khaki. What we know is that you are a good Mama, smart, witty, gainfully employed, independent, beautiful, sexy, charismatic, outgoing, selfless. Now, if that package is not enough for this man, or worth fighting for, or driving for, good riddance. I mean, really. He'll spend the rest of his life single or settling. If that is too much for this man, good riddance as well because you deserve a stronger man than that. And shame on him for enticing you like that. That's a mindf*cking on a whole 'nother passive level. Ewww.

6) Find you an Aquarius man. That's the only sign that can successfully date its own sign. Watch how naturally he gets you with little having to be said. He may even be living next door to you instead of 227 miles away.

7) What is this guy thinking? 300 mi radius but not sure he can do the long distance thing?? That should've been a red flag right away. When I saw girls with that radius, that meant that they had tapped out their locale and had no other options...lol. Sounds to me like he was looking for something he wasn't ready for and got scared when he found it. Sounds familiar. I would let it ride and not put any effort into it. C'mon, Khakinator, Austin (population 800,000+) doesn't have enough dudes to offer you?

8) He may be using the time and distance as an excuse to let you down easy.

9) Khaki, it isn't you. I told you long ago that God also has to prepare the heart of the other person and your guy isn't prepared yet. God is still working on him or bringing him through something to get to you. Be patient.

10) What you need to do is laminate a 3x5 index card that reads in all caps, "MANCARD" and mail it to him. Move on. NEEEEEXXXT????

11) Ok, you do know that 1800 miles is really too far, right? I would totally date you if you were here or even 227 miles from me.

12) I don't know why you're upset, Khaki. Its not like you will have a hard time finding someone. Girls like you make me sick. You have this presence about you that exudes friendliness and happiness and everyone likes you. You mean to tell me you're in a funk because some guy is clueless?

And there are a few more but I can't find them in the masses that are my text messages. What's funny is that last month I had 6767 text messages. I think that's the most I've ever had. And I talked on the phone more than I ever have too.

I realized that it took me approximately 3 years (less than, actually) to get over a 13 year relationship/9 year marriage. I should be over 227 in a few weeks. I debate dating online again. I logged into my eHarmony account and was going to update it as its 2 years old and I didn't even get to it. I logged in and perused around trying to edit stuff and just wasn't feeling it so I logged off and I'm already getting emails. Icebreakers received, so and so sent me his questions. Honestly, it doesn't interest me at all. I think I need to cool down from 227 miles still. I know this is so retarded but I'm not ready to date someone. I'm hesitant now. My friend asked me today, "Is it because you are hoping 227 is over his 'time to think' and comes in on his white horse and saves the day? Or is it because you're just guarded because that last one threw you for a loop?"

Haha, I'd be lying if I didn't say a little of both.  :-)

Goodnight.

Wide Awake by Katy Perry....do it. You know you want to.

Nice Looking Pair of Kayaks...

Oh I'm so mad at myself right now. What started out as a friendly game of Frogger along I-35 tonight ended miserably at a Valero in some town called Jerrell. You know how when you travel along the highway with the same cars you kind of help each other out?That's what happened with me and this charcoal gray Toyota Tacoma with a trailer attached hauling two kayaks with two menin the cab. One elderly-ish and one that looked maybe my age or worst case 5 years older. Big rig cut me off, they slowed down, waved me in front of them. I tapped brakes at the sight of a State Trooper. As they pass, they wipe their brow as if to say thank you. This frogger like travel went on for a good 50-60 miles until I exited to get gas and they followed. I was about 40% excited, 10% freaked out, and 50% hoping they would keep driving. No, they didn't. Same gas station, same time, same pump. I started to pump the gas and the elderly-ish guy nodded and said, "Ma'am" as if to say hello in as few words as possible. Then I smiled and reciprocated with a nod and a, "Sir." Honestly, my TX accent couldn't have been worse. Almost exaggerated. I start the pump and go in to get a cup of ice. The other guy is rather nice looking, no wedding ring (which means jack sh*t these days), Camo baseball cap (I am a sucker for a baseball cap), jeans, t-shirt untucked, and he is smiling and almost staring. He's in line with me at the check out and he is in my bubble. I was there first so he is in violation. So, I lean in as if to brush him and say, "Nice looking pair of kayaks you got there." He busted out laughing so hard. I wanted to drop my ice and leave. He said, "Thank you, ma'am." Then I began to talk and honestly, I can't remember what I was saying....something about kayaking and Austin and while I love to kayak, I know NOTHING about them....but this bullcrap conversation would lead you to believe otherwise. I know nothing other than you rent them for $25/hr out at Town Lake and the fat girl has to always sit in the back. He paid for my ice. We both were laughing and smiling and I was weak in the knees and fumbled with gas pump as he mocked me to what I now know to be his father, "Pops, nice pair of kayaks you got there." I shook my head in disappointment, "Oh hush. You guys have a nice evening." Pops said to him, "She's cute." I know it wasn't a good thing. He winked and nodded and drove off into the sunset. I sat in my car cussing at myself and wondering why I don't keep my mouth shut sometimes. Damnit, Khaki. I will be single forever. I'm certain. And why was I talking like such a hick. OMG. I'm mortified. I either need to never leave my home or I need to get out more so I don't become socially inept like half the men I've dated in the past 6 months.

One more funny note, Kyan was trying to get big rigs on the way to Waco to honk. Out of the 12 we tried, we got 9 of them to cooperate. The ones that didn't, Kyan would say, "Smile at him, Mom. Smile so he can see you." I'm not sure his motives but it was cute nonetheless. I really didn't want them to go to Kevin's tonight. Not because of anything against Kevin. The past several weeks have just been really good. Sure, they've fought and we've had our moments but I'm no where NEAR stressed to the max like I was last summer at this time. I love how the boys were so excited to see Kevin and ran to his door and he didn't even get out. I held Kamdyn up to his window so he could give him the keychain we got him at Six Flags and a hug. Then Kevin said, "Get in, buckle up." I was like, wow. Almost as wowed as his response to me the other day when I asked him why he didn't call the boys, ever. "Dunno." I realized tonight standing next to him that I am completely over him. I noticed his wedding ring and it didn't phase me a bit. I look at him and see a stranger. I still have no idea why he sent me that song to listen to the other day. It was weird. I have no idea of the translation. If you just read the lyrics, you would think he was glad to be "free"...if you hear the song, male and female vocals as if that's me and Kev, it would translate that he misses me and was wrong. I just didn't respond. It doesn't matter what it meant or what he intended it to mean. We share children and live our lives so apart from one another its unreal we were even married for so long.

In less than a week we go on vacation. I'm stoked. I think I'll be able to mark off at least 3 or 4 things off my bucket list on this trip.