Brink of Break

Hmmm, where to begin.....

I started Chantix today. It's not that I don't think I can't quit smoking on my own. I just wanted something to work really fast. I want more out of life than sitting out on the patio chain smoking looking at a brick wall in the evenings. So, I've told everyone close to me that I've started it. In fact, just took my first dose. And I've been preached to about the side effects but think I'll be okay. I wonder how the absorption of such meds is going to affect me having had gastric bypass. We shall see. I talked to my friend Matt who just used it to quit and he said I would notice really quickly....like in a week. That's how it was w/ Kevin when he did it too awhile back. We'll see. Perhaps this time next week, I'll be a non-smoker. I'm kind of a closet smoker as it is anyway.

So, I've been reading on this whole Femoral Acetabular Impingement diagnosis of my hip and the idea of surgery. I'm torn. While I've had this pain for the better part of 6 years, part of me thinks living with the pain might be better. Here lately though, I can't sleep or walk or sit or anything w/o this dull constant ache in my hip. If I sit long enough, it burns. The clicking is out of control. We'll know Monday for sure what the doctor wants to do. Arthroscopy, open hip surgery, or hip replacement. Meanwhile, today, I noticed my other hip has a lovely grind to it too. Not sure if that's because I've been using it to overcompensate for the weaker right hip or what. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if because I'm so freakin busy and going all the time if this is God's way of telling me to be still. Oh I'll be still alright....3 days in the hospital, 2 weeks off work (yay!), and then 6 months of rehab and physical therapy, etc. I don't know. Sheesh!

Oh and I weighed again today, I'm 149. That's 2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight w/ Kyan. Wow, never thought I'd see that weight again. You figure I have about 7 or so lbs of excess skin so wow, I have the potential to be one sexy machine. Ha, if only.....

This stomach bug I've been hit with has been interesting. Can't eat for nothing. I've managed a few bites of food here and there and can now drink again whereas Saturday you couldn't have paid me to take a sip of water. I'm so glad to be home. There's no place I'd rather be sick than here, especially THAT kind of sick. I was so embarrassed at Braden's. He was so nice about it though. When he found out that I had slept in a parking lot in my car, he was like, "Khaaaaakii, why didn't you call me? I would've had the door man let you in and you could've slept here?" I said, "I didn't want to bother you and that would also mean I would've had to drive over an hour to get back here." He shook his head. All my stuff was there, I should've.

Oh I guess I haven't blogged about my weekend meeting Braden yet. He's cute as ever. As in looks. And I can see that he has this side of him that he doesn't share much. I caught glimpses of it but it would retreat. All in all we had a great time. Eating sushi together was one of my favorite parts of the weekend. Of course, that was before I got sick. But we were talking and he said, "You know, if this wasn't the first date, I'd ask for a cup of ice and pour it in my wine, it's not quite box enough for me." I laughed and in my mind reeled, "Did he just call this a date?" I told him if he did, he could add ice to mine too. The condo wasn't what I expected. It was a bit much, actually. I expected a bachelor pad. Not at all what this place was. It was the 32nd floor of a Fort Worth sky rise with an awesome view of downtown, decorated like something out of a Victorian version of Cribs on MTV. Seriously, I couldn't believe it. A movie theater IN the condo? C'mon. Je was a generous host. It was good to see him and his text message to me on the way home about 30 minutes after I left said, "You are as amazing as I remember. I had a great weekend. Have a safe trip back." I didn't respond for like 4 hours. When I did I probably relayed mixed signals. No, I'm sure I did. When we went out Friday night, he left me standing in the lobby because he needed to go back up and unlock the door. I was standing there and this guy, Rob (I think), walked up to the front desk looking me up and down and said, "Hi there, what's your name?" I said, "Khaki." He said, "Khaki, where are you headed?" I said, "With one of my best friends downtown." He, "Do you live here?" Me, "No, I'm from Austin, I just came to visit my friend, Braden who lives here." Then in walks Braden. They shake hands. Braden and I were walking out and he said, "I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes and you get hit on, Khaki. Damn." We were smiling. It was funny. I felt good. He did tell me how sexy I looked (flowy shirt but fitted at the waist, black jeans, heels, chunky jewelry, hair down) and how beautiful I was and that he thought I had only gotten prettier the older I got. I took the compliment. Anyway, long story short, I got hit on later in the evening. One guy even said he noticed me the second we walked in and then he noticed Braden. I got "the big brown eyes" compliment. So, I don't know what is up w/ me and Braden. I'll take the friendship for sure though. I'm going to have to teach him a few things though. I think he comes across as an asshole sometimes because of his own insecurities. One of my best friends, Tara, went out w/ us Saturday night and I had the most entertaining time listening to the two of them banter. Sometimes he's so freakin funny. I told him about my surgery and he said, "Let me know if you need a nurse." To which I wrote, "Why so you can send Jim down here to take care of me?" (Jim was a nurse, we met Friday/Saturday). He replied, "There's another option." I wrote, "No thanks on Jimbo." Braden is an ER nurse. I just couldn't let him think I wanted him down here. Although he was a champ for me getting sick all weekend. And to think, I didn't even drink, except for the wine at dinner our first night. Enough about that, I could go on with more funny stuff from the weekend but I'm getting very tired.

Oh and JR and I had text words on Friday and he asked me not to come to the track. THEN he didn't even show up. Really? C'mon. I wasn't going to say anything to him and Janna at all. I have nothing to say whatsoever. He did introduce me to some great people though and I don't know why he can just man-up and treat me like some punk he can't stand at the racetrack and ignore me. Little Matt sent me a text, Jefferson didn't come, come party! and I was so tempted to go but it was late and I didn't feel well and had already committed to Braden on going out again. I'm not doing well on taming the hatred for Jefferson. He should've gone to the race. His friends wanted him there and were a little disappointed and confused. It's not like they're picking me over him. And really, JR, if I wanted drama, I would've just gone and not even let you know I was coming. Again, m-o-r-o-n. How old is he? Such a baby when he doesn't get his way. His fb status said something about someone not being who he thought they were....really? Look in a mirror, buddy. JC!!!!
So, MRI tomorrow and we'll know on Monday what my options are. And cheers to month-end and being so far behind. Ugh.

Dallas, here I come

I am so freakin ecstatic about going to Dallas tomorrow, which is actually today. I'm not packed and have so much to do. Just got off the phone w/ Braden. He sounds just like I remember. And he's "pumped" too so that's even better. I need this weekend.

I've made a wonderful friend this week, in fact, we're going to be great friends. Who knew life could be so crazy and the direction you take to meet someone sometimes is not the path you may have chosen or liked at the time but it's all falling together.

And who knew the demise of one relationship could gain the likes of like half a dozen or so new friends. And I didn't even do anything but check facebook messages one day. Wow. If you build it, they will come. And boy did they ever.

So while I still regret having ever dated Jefferson, I'm very grateful for the people that have come into my life since its demise. I have nothing to say to him ever again. In fact, life would be good if I never saw him again. The greatest lesson I've learned is that things are not what they appear. Also, trust your gut. I mean, there were times earlier in my relationship with him that I just had a feeling things weren't right. I honed in but not like I should've.

Today, I am in a really good place. I can't get this smile off my face. And the butterflies in my stomach are a welcomed feeling.

I have so many people to see this weekend, I hope I get to make all the rounds. Wish I had a week off.

Now, I must finish packing and laundry. Let the good times roll.

Jefferson Who?

That's all I have to say about that. :-)