Wow, what a weekend. I had almost 4 crazy days all by myself. It was interesting. I went out w/ a long time friend of mine who lives in Dallas. We went down on 4th St. Mostly gay bars but not all. It was fun. I only had 3 drinks in a 4 hour period and then decided to do a tequila shot. Yeah, that was a bad idea. I crutched to my car w/ my friends, felt fine. Got in my car, it started spinning and I puked. Friends were gone. I could barely dial my mom's number. It was weird. I did though and she and Brad came to get me at 3 in the morning. They got me and took my car home. Yuck!!!! I've been that drunk maybe a total of 3 times in my life. I couldn't believe it, 3 drinks (that didn't taste that strong). I do remember getting kissed by a stranger. Some guy walked up to me, asked to borrow my lighter, planted a big fat kiss on my cheek and said, "You're absolutely beautiful." I think he was gay even though he was with a group of people. I stood there just like, "WTH??" I smiled but I can't say that's ever happened before. Then I was standing at the gay bar and this guy said, "She's beautiful." I turned not because I thought they were talking about me but because we were at a gay bar full of men and I honestly thought Simone would've walked in (my gay drag queen hairdresser). Then his bf said, "Yes, love, you." We started talking and they were funny. Young, cute, but funny. I don't know, it's flattering but I guess I don't see it. I'm trying. My brother says all guys want in your pants. So, I'm hesitant to believe a lot of what comes out of a guy's mouth....but a gay guy doesn't want in my pants, right?
I spent most of my weekend alone watching tv or hanging out at my house. I'd go to dinner w/ my sister, Dad, and brother or hang out at Mom's but spent most of my time parked on my couch. I managed to watch 2 movies. I spent a lot of time on my computer.
Today, I had an interesting coffee date w/ someone who shall remain nameless. I thought it would only last about an hour or so but 3 hours later and I had to get boys or it could've been like 5 hours. I was contacted by said person a few days ago. It was a relief actually. I had thought about contacting her to discuss some things but decided against it. In that 3 plus hours, it was just confirmation after confirmation for my decision to be single right now. And also, enlightened on a guy that I once trusted. Again, what a moron. I don't like to say I regret anything in life because you can't change it after it all happens so why have regret? But this one, I really think I do. Probably moreso than Drew or Jeff or Adam. Now, if I can just tame that regret and keep it from turning into hate, we'll be fine. I will say that I always told this guy that I was a role in a script. Today, that was confirmed. He is now dating someone and took her to see Princess Bride. That's what he does w/ all his girlfriends. Let their script begin but I don't care to stay tuned because I know how it ends. :-)
Me and Braden have decided that if we're 35 and both single, we'll get married. It's actually about as funny as the wingman jokes we have going. I originally suggested 40 but he brought it down to 35. AND he's 32 now. We'll have to work out the details of Austin vs. Dallas but all in all, sounds good. :-) Ha! He's really a good guy. I can't wait to catch up in person. It should be a lot of fun. I'm not hoping for anything but a really good bud right now. That's what I need. But I will say that he's been wonderful on pulling me out of my funk from my break-up w/ Jefferson. He told me last night, "after next weekend you will not even remember Jefferson." He's also told me over and over how I was too good for JR. Considering I have some insecurities about my physical appearance, it's been very nice to hear, actually. It helps that it comes from someone that I consider to be really attractive. In fact, my friends say, "hot!" I never thought JR was attractive although I would tell him he was. And the more we dated, the more his looks grew on me. There definitely was something very dorky about him. And Drew had a nice upper body build but wasn't cute in his face.I still think Kevin is handsome. I think its the eyes and I loved that he was so much taller than me. I wish he would cut his hair though. Ugh. And I have to say that aside from Kevin, Adam is the only cute guy I dated and kind of in opposite terms of JR, he became uglier the more I got to know him. Braden seems to think he can find me a good looking quality guy. What Braden doesn't know is that I don't really care to date anyone right now. But I'll amuse him and play along. He also thinks that my having kids is a bonus. Still need some explanation on that. I told him about my test for the next guy. I could never see JR playing sports w/ the boys. He would, sort of, but it was very unnatural. So the test is simple. If I can't picture said guy throwing ball w/ my boys, he's out. He doesn't have to be a jock but he has to have a natural nurture gene. JR's was forced.
I kind of wished I lived in Dallas though. I miss my friends and am not sure how to go about making new ones. Real ones. Still working on it.
I've been talking to the guys on the racing team and they're excited to have me there on Saturday. I hope Braden can go with me. I'm not staying long. Just long enough to tell the Matts and Sarah hello and give Jen a hug and maybe take some pics for them.
I've got to get to bed now. I have a busy 3 days this week.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Doh!
So, I'm a great big sap and hopeless romantic. I'll watch a romantic comedy over and over even though I know 1) what are the odds that'll ever happen to me? 2) they're so predictable. So, I used to listen to Delilah, a radio show in the evenings in Dallas. For as long as I can remember I listened to her. So, my mother tells me the other night she's listening to Delilah and I think, "Wow, that's what I need to do in the evenings." Bullshit. That is the worst thing I need to be doing. Case in point, just now....I'm baking cookies w/ Kamdyn. Kyan is playing w/ an inflatable ball in the living room and Kasyn is studying a worm over by the door. Some guy called in to tell his girlfriend that he was so in love with her and that there's nothing to compare for how much he adores her. My first thought as tears filled my eyes, was, "awe, I want that"...yes, I want to be that girl that some guy thinks enough of to call a freakin radio station and say something like that....or hell, how bout just being adored that much. Yes, that's it. That'll do. Just to know I'm adored. But not just hear it. I mean feel it and know it. So, she played the song and I can't remember which one it was but I wanted to cry as I look up and realize I don't have someone to dance with or smile at or wink at across the room. So, I asked Kam to dance w/ me. There he is in his construction helmet, flashlight in hand, helping me make cookies, and we started dancing. He stood on my feet. Then in comes Kasyn who wants to be held, then Kyan who steps on my other foot and there I am dancing in the kitchen w/ my boys. I'm thinking in my head, you don't need a man, you have three little ones, Khaki. You can do this, you can just dance w/ your boys. All is good. Sigh. Me and Kevin used to dance all the time. We'd bust out in song like nothing....it was so funny. We even took turns on male/female duets. It was funny, at this last exchange Mofro was playing on my iPod and Kevin was loading the boys and said, "I hadn't heard this in forever." And he started to sing. I kept on about my business but also singing too. I could tell he missed it. Before he shut the door on Kasyn's side, he made sure to sing the last part really loud and I laughed. He winked and tapped my shoulder....except this time, there wasn't a hug or a kiss on the neck (like so many previous times in our kitchen when we were married) but he threw me a peace sign and said, "Later, Khak." I shook my head and drove off. Tonight though, I have an ache in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I sent my mom a text message telling her that I hated her for reminding me of Delilah but you know what, I can't stop listening to it. I keep saying, one more song and I'll turn it off. Kyan loves to hear me sing. He always says, "No, you sing Mommy, you sing it." I love that.
Tonight I took the kids to the pool and had my feet in while they played around my feet. I just watched them, no phone, just me, the boys, and the whole pool to ourselves. It was nice. I even answered all of Kyan's, "Guess what?" questions. Well, I've got to put the boys to bed. I'm a great mom. I really am. People tell me all the time but I know it. I feel it. And I try so damn hard. Something big is coming......huge. I just know.
Tonight I took the kids to the pool and had my feet in while they played around my feet. I just watched them, no phone, just me, the boys, and the whole pool to ourselves. It was nice. I even answered all of Kyan's, "Guess what?" questions. Well, I've got to put the boys to bed. I'm a great mom. I really am. People tell me all the time but I know it. I feel it. And I try so damn hard. Something big is coming......huge. I just know.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
A few of my favorite quotes
Forever always seems
To be around when it begins
But forever never seems
To be around when it ends.
- Ben Harper
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. -Marilyn Monroe
"I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand." -Nick Hornby (High Fidelity: A Novel)
I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-C.S. Lewis
Information is not knowledge. -Albert Einstein
Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.- audrey hepburn
"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you." - Nicole Krauss (The History of Love)
``I have not failed; I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison
``Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
"No man is ever rich enough to buy back his past." -Oscar Wilde
"Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say." - Nick Hornby (A Long Way Down)
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe
"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world." - Marilyn Monroe
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. -Albert Einstein
To be around when it begins
But forever never seems
To be around when it ends.
- Ben Harper
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything. -Marilyn Monroe
"I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand." -Nick Hornby (High Fidelity: A Novel)
I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
-C.S. Lewis
Information is not knowledge. -Albert Einstein
Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.- audrey hepburn
"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you." - Nicole Krauss (The History of Love)
``I have not failed; I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison
``Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
"No man is ever rich enough to buy back his past." -Oscar Wilde
"Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say." - Nick Hornby (A Long Way Down)
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe
"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world." - Marilyn Monroe
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. -Albert Einstein
Boys, Boys, Boys
What a fanfreakintastic weekend!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm back in my groove.
Yesterday, I woke up, finished laundry, ALMOST finished a cup of coffee while it was warm, the boys laid around watching cartoons, lazy morning for them. I made scones. Then we played football in the house. Then we made waves in the rug in the living room and had our own motocross w/ hotwheels. Then we got ready and ran a few errands and off to the bounce house. I had some free passes so figured good to use them. I ran around there like a crazy person playing w/ them. Then attracted everyone else's kids. It was fun. After that, the boys were sick of me so they ventured on their own. I sat and watched all the families play and I wasn't sad or lonely. I put my iPod in and responded to a few texts on my phone. After 4 hours of that, we left. We hit the photobooth which, for some reason, I love. I finally got one of me and Kasyn but he's not happy in it. And 4 people in a photobooth is a bit much. The kids asked me for snacks and drinks and the, "No, we don't have money for that right now" shut them up. It was nice. I do wish we had spent the day outside but it was rather hot. Me, Mom, and Q did our 3 car switch so finding Mom's car when it was said and done was a bit of a disaster but we made it.
Came home and the kids weren't that hungry. I had packed snacks and such and we had a late lunch so we had popcorn for dinner. They were good w/ that. Kasyn fell asleep in timeout but woke up 2 hours later. I was worried he'd be too wired to go back to sleep but he wasn't. Then I laid with them and watched Hotel for Dogs and Kyan dictated everything that was about to happen just before it did. Luckily after 20 minutes, they crashed out. Then I read some of my book and laid and stared at the ceiling thinking. I felt like I had worked out but didn't. I, too, was just exhausted.
This morning we woke up, had Toaster Strudel for breakfast, showered and went to church. No fights, no arguing on clothes (of course, I let them wear their swimsuits so what could they be upset about). I treated myself to Starbucks and learned that the kids are happy w/ ice water which is free. Kevin, the guy that takes the order, not as cute as Darren, and half Darren's age, said, "Ok, grande white mocha and one more thing, You're the greatest!" I laughed as did the kids and said, "Keep telling me that." Church was good. I decided in that moment that I'm exactly where I need to be in life. Not at church necessarily but more not being in a relationship with someone who is Atheist. To each is their own and I still think JR has great qualities but there's a "thing" about believers....a warmth. I want someone like that. And if there isn't a God, and I die, having lived my life as a believer? So what? Right? And even though JR and I debated you could still be moral and not believe in God, I do agree to an extent but wonder if that's where his coldness comes from. And another thing I thought about at church....in all of Kevin's wrongdoings, at least he can admit them. JR does no wrong. Anyway, then we went to Big Lots and purchased a slip n' slide. The boys were pretty good in that store, considering all the distraction there is really. That was the best $10 I've spent in a long time. We drove to Neen's and had our lunch, held Vivian, and played in her backyard. Even me and Joe went down the slide. It was fun. I got lost on my way back home but singing in the car w/ the boys was a riot. I had a text from Jeri that Jerome was in the hospital and had had a seizure so I picked up her son. Now, we're home, still wet from this afternoon, jamming to music, playing, doing laundry, and hanging out.
I still thought about Michael and JR this weekend, a lot. I'd even say I missed him but there was no stress. I didn't worry about my kids pissing anyone off. I didn't worry about anything but loving my boys. It was great! And I'm actually convincing myself that it was his loss. I want a warm, kind, gentle, man to share life with....not someone so "right" about everything and uptight. Still sad but doing juuuussssttt fine. He wasn't a complete asshole. There were times he was very sweet but not a natural demeanor for him. He thinks too much and can't just be.....or feel. Is that what I want? Absolutely not!
I talked to Mom last night. I'm so excited to go out on the boat next weekend. I have wanted to water ski all my life. This could be my chance. JH is coming in town from Amarillo and hasn't been to Austin in like 10 years. I already worked out the drop details w/ Linda for the boys on Friday. Let's hope this week goes by superfast....and next week even faster. I'm more looking forward to that weekend.
Yesterday, I woke up, finished laundry, ALMOST finished a cup of coffee while it was warm, the boys laid around watching cartoons, lazy morning for them. I made scones. Then we played football in the house. Then we made waves in the rug in the living room and had our own motocross w/ hotwheels. Then we got ready and ran a few errands and off to the bounce house. I had some free passes so figured good to use them. I ran around there like a crazy person playing w/ them. Then attracted everyone else's kids. It was fun. After that, the boys were sick of me so they ventured on their own. I sat and watched all the families play and I wasn't sad or lonely. I put my iPod in and responded to a few texts on my phone. After 4 hours of that, we left. We hit the photobooth which, for some reason, I love. I finally got one of me and Kasyn but he's not happy in it. And 4 people in a photobooth is a bit much. The kids asked me for snacks and drinks and the, "No, we don't have money for that right now" shut them up. It was nice. I do wish we had spent the day outside but it was rather hot. Me, Mom, and Q did our 3 car switch so finding Mom's car when it was said and done was a bit of a disaster but we made it.
Came home and the kids weren't that hungry. I had packed snacks and such and we had a late lunch so we had popcorn for dinner. They were good w/ that. Kasyn fell asleep in timeout but woke up 2 hours later. I was worried he'd be too wired to go back to sleep but he wasn't. Then I laid with them and watched Hotel for Dogs and Kyan dictated everything that was about to happen just before it did. Luckily after 20 minutes, they crashed out. Then I read some of my book and laid and stared at the ceiling thinking. I felt like I had worked out but didn't. I, too, was just exhausted.
This morning we woke up, had Toaster Strudel for breakfast, showered and went to church. No fights, no arguing on clothes (of course, I let them wear their swimsuits so what could they be upset about). I treated myself to Starbucks and learned that the kids are happy w/ ice water which is free. Kevin, the guy that takes the order, not as cute as Darren, and half Darren's age, said, "Ok, grande white mocha and one more thing, You're the greatest!" I laughed as did the kids and said, "Keep telling me that." Church was good. I decided in that moment that I'm exactly where I need to be in life. Not at church necessarily but more not being in a relationship with someone who is Atheist. To each is their own and I still think JR has great qualities but there's a "thing" about believers....a warmth. I want someone like that. And if there isn't a God, and I die, having lived my life as a believer? So what? Right? And even though JR and I debated you could still be moral and not believe in God, I do agree to an extent but wonder if that's where his coldness comes from. And another thing I thought about at church....in all of Kevin's wrongdoings, at least he can admit them. JR does no wrong. Anyway, then we went to Big Lots and purchased a slip n' slide. The boys were pretty good in that store, considering all the distraction there is really. That was the best $10 I've spent in a long time. We drove to Neen's and had our lunch, held Vivian, and played in her backyard. Even me and Joe went down the slide. It was fun. I got lost on my way back home but singing in the car w/ the boys was a riot. I had a text from Jeri that Jerome was in the hospital and had had a seizure so I picked up her son. Now, we're home, still wet from this afternoon, jamming to music, playing, doing laundry, and hanging out.
I still thought about Michael and JR this weekend, a lot. I'd even say I missed him but there was no stress. I didn't worry about my kids pissing anyone off. I didn't worry about anything but loving my boys. It was great! And I'm actually convincing myself that it was his loss. I want a warm, kind, gentle, man to share life with....not someone so "right" about everything and uptight. Still sad but doing juuuussssttt fine. He wasn't a complete asshole. There were times he was very sweet but not a natural demeanor for him. He thinks too much and can't just be.....or feel. Is that what I want? Absolutely not!
I talked to Mom last night. I'm so excited to go out on the boat next weekend. I have wanted to water ski all my life. This could be my chance. JH is coming in town from Amarillo and hasn't been to Austin in like 10 years. I already worked out the drop details w/ Linda for the boys on Friday. Let's hope this week goes by superfast....and next week even faster. I'm more looking forward to that weekend.
Dreams
I really wish I knew what dreams meant. I have some insane dreams. Like last night. I lived, or was just visiting, Jillian and the house was a mess and the traffic in and out of the house was horrific. I was getting ready for a date w/ JR. This date wasn't going to be good. You could just tell as I was getting ready. I was curling my hair and he was talking to Rich on the phone. They were obviously talking about me and Rich's advice was to bail. Anyway, we went to breakfast w/ his parents and they were telling me how they couldn't stand me. But they were talking as if I wasn't there. JR claimed to have not known. Once his dad concurred w/ his mom, JR turned and asked me to leave. Then I walked about 5 miles before one of Jillian's friends saw me on the side of the road and gave me a lift. Once we got back to the house JR was there antagonizing me. He wouldn't quit. Then he took the curling iron cord and tied it around my throat. I stuck my fingers in his eyes and he stopped. Anyway, it was just weird. I don't remember what happened after that really. I just remember being totally humiliated at breakfast w/ his parents.
The other day I had a dream that my face fell off....from my bottom lip, down to my chin and over to the right side of my face, it peeled off and as I looked in the mirror, milk started pouring out of my face. I looked it up in a dream book and it said that it was because I was being decieved, manipulated, controlled, and unhappy.
Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that they kind of put me in a funk. I woke up this morning drenched from walking home in my dream (I was walking in a fury, not a leisure walk) and then fighting him. I hate sleeps like that.
The other day I had a dream that my face fell off....from my bottom lip, down to my chin and over to the right side of my face, it peeled off and as I looked in the mirror, milk started pouring out of my face. I looked it up in a dream book and it said that it was because I was being decieved, manipulated, controlled, and unhappy.
Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that they kind of put me in a funk. I woke up this morning drenched from walking home in my dream (I was walking in a fury, not a leisure walk) and then fighting him. I hate sleeps like that.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Funny
So, here I sit, party of one on my patio drinking a glass of wine texting and talking to random people. As entertained as I am, I'm still lonely.
Entertainment line-up:
Alex - 28 yrs old, never married, no kids, travels like crazy, works in a hospital, but very funny, we talk about weirdos on match, travel, and sports.
Chris - the date from last Saturday, 2 kids, divorced, 33 yrs old, begging for 2nd date, moved here the exact same day I did a year ago, thinks I have an amazing accent, likes to hear me talk altho we've only talked on the phone twice now for less than 10 minutes. Has Erich tendencies though.
Clint - 34, divorced, 2 kids, kind of shy but says its because he's new to dating, 2 yrs post divorce, seems like a good hearted guy....been hurt pretty badly.
Gary - 34, never married, no kids, dog, invited me to his apartment to play darts (didn't go), he's beginning to creep me out a little bit, begging for a date (to which I decline).
Bart - 48 yrs old, never married, one kid, but who cares, did you see how old he was? He keeps emailing me thru match.com, inviting me to his condo in Brazil, very creepy weird guy.
Centerfield - don't know his real name, emails me through match, he's hilarious, 30 something, goofy looking, but makes me laugh, says I'm the only girl that can keep up with his wit. And he's good, takes a lot of effort but the banter is fun.
BTRanch - don't know his name w/o looking it up, emails me through match, very shy, has a ranch in Cedar Park, divorced, 36, 2 kids, moved here from Dallas, thinks I'm just so pretty, he's actually good looking but too shy.
Stefan - 38, never married, no kids, drives a Porshe, does yoga and gives the impression that he has a lot of money, but best I can tell, he's looking for the trophy girl and I'm not that girl. But he was impressed w/ my knowledge of cars and tracks (thanks JR).
Then there's Braden, my lab partner in Chemistry class my Sophmore year in high school. He's moving to TX from Florida next month. He's an ER Nurse which I never would've guessed. His timing on texts/emails is perfect. Just before a date, I get a "Good Luck"....I canceled on the date then sat at a bar, solo, and he text me the majority of the night. I have a huge important meeting today w/ the VP of Finance which I'll elaborate on in a second and just before the meeting he asked how it went. I told him I hadn't had it yet. But still, he remembered and he thought enough to text me. At night, when I'm sitting here, I'll get a random msg from him. Generic, but nice. Just the right dose of friend sometimes. He asked why me and JR broke up so I sent him the short version via email. His feedback was great. If only I would absorb it in this big brain of mine.
Then there's Joe, not my brother-in-law. He ran around w/ my brother's gang. He was the "bad" guy in high school but seems to have his life put together now. We've become really great friends. Have a lot of the same views on people and relationships. He pulls me out of my funks in the evenings. He remembers some crazy stuff that even I don't remember. Like he remembers a conversation I had w/ him in 6th grade. Bizarre. He's got a good heart and is genuine which is nice. I pretty much dump all my emotional shit on him in the evenings.
And while one might think I have enough distraction with all that, I still think of JR. My counselor asked me yesterday, "Why do you want someone that doesn't want you?" I didn't answer. I teared up. Because I don't think he doesn't want me. Too many things just don't add up in this. In fact, in the email he sent the other day, he contradicts himself at least 3 times. But what do I know? He's the one that's nearing "40 and no closer"...So, I couldn't help but think of him tonight when Alex said, "You are by far, the prettiest girl on match.com in Austin right now." I said, "That's not true, I've seen them. There's some pretty ones." He said, "The half decent ones I've gone on dates with all want to get married w/in an hour." Then he said, "You are very pretty, beautiful, and witty, and I can't imagine that someone hasn't snatched you up yet." I confessed, "I'm a psycho bitch and I borrowed those pics of some girl's myspace." He laughed. I'm glad he knew I was kidding but it did pose the question. But also gave me a little boost....uhh, yeah, why am I single? Not that I don't need to be or that there's anything wrong with it. But again, I'd like a companion and being rejected by Jefferson was a heartbreak and a low blow for many reasons. The main one, it doesn't make sense. For such a smart guy, he makes no sense. I told Alex I wouldn't be on match after the next week or so. True story.
I sit on the patio and hear footsteps and imagine JR walking up, jumping the fence, and sitting down and having civil conversation. But I know that'll never happen. I mean, hell, not even 10 hours after sending me that email that talked about missing me and all that's lost, he posts on fb, "....has a fuh-reaking amazing life" which all my friends say is bullshit. That its a front because even though we aren't "friends" he's gotta be hurting and knows I'll read it or hear it through the grapevine. No one's life, just after a break-up with something so "rare and special" is "fuh-reaking amazing".....Friends, keep telling me that.
I had a conversation with a girl at work who asked me if JR was going to run for office. I told her no. She then said, "So what the hell does it matter who you voted for or what your political beliefs are?" I shrugged. Not that I don't think it's important to share those beliefs, it would make things easier every 4 years I'm sure but it was lame that JR would bring that up as one of the main reasons we didn't approach life the same. Damn dude, you're gonna have to compromise on something unless you want to be "50 and no closer."
My counselor gave me 2 worksheets yesterday. One is called His Needs/Her Needs. I liked it. I knew it already but nice reminder. Also, he gave me a list of 20 questions to ask your partner BEFORE you get in a serious relationship. I asked what the point of that was or what I'm looking for based on the answers and he said, "Red flags. If you do not have common ground on those things, chances of you not working out are greater." I informed him that I knew all of JR's answers to these questions and chalked them up to valuing someone else as different or opposites attract. He looked at me and said, "You are very sharp, Khaki. Too sharp sometimes." Still processing that one.
So, I pretty much bombed month-end close on Rehab this month. Anything that went wrong, did. So, I got a meeting invite from the VP of Finance and the Financial Analyst. I went and it was wonderful. I got to show them the tedious steps involved, and suggested ways to improve the processes which require a software developer to create a program for us. I proposed many ideas/outlets/suggestions (thank you PwC for all that systems implementation work). I felt that the Khaki Factor was really working for me. I had a few minutes in there where my head was like, "Khaki, you're on fire." It felt great and was commended. And Wendy, the next time you try to throw me under the bus, could you please come up with a better defense? I just made her life easier today x50. She can thank me later. It felt so good afterwards that I didn't want to work the rest of the afternoon. I did but didn't feel like it. The one person I wanted to text, was JR. He was good at professional insight/advice. But if I did that now, I'd feel like that psychotic bitch he dated named Kim. She does that and he always played stupid. I think she wanted more from him and used that as a lure. Wtfe.
I'm tired and this half glass of wine has relaxed me to the point of bedtime. I will be glad when I can get through a day and not think of Jefferson. It sucks. I almost wish I had never met him and had a year of being single under my belt. Oh but the jeans I fit into this morning, were wonderful. I do have my appetite back but I've lost 9lbs since we broke up. Dreading the swimsuit I have to fit into tomorrow though. I'm taking the boys swimming and splashing. One more thing, I talked to Kevin via email today. He misses us. I'm definitely in the acceptance phase of that demise. He called to talk to the boys and talked to me more than them. We talked about discipline and it was wonderful.
G'night.
Entertainment line-up:
Alex - 28 yrs old, never married, no kids, travels like crazy, works in a hospital, but very funny, we talk about weirdos on match, travel, and sports.
Chris - the date from last Saturday, 2 kids, divorced, 33 yrs old, begging for 2nd date, moved here the exact same day I did a year ago, thinks I have an amazing accent, likes to hear me talk altho we've only talked on the phone twice now for less than 10 minutes. Has Erich tendencies though.
Clint - 34, divorced, 2 kids, kind of shy but says its because he's new to dating, 2 yrs post divorce, seems like a good hearted guy....been hurt pretty badly.
Gary - 34, never married, no kids, dog, invited me to his apartment to play darts (didn't go), he's beginning to creep me out a little bit, begging for a date (to which I decline).
Bart - 48 yrs old, never married, one kid, but who cares, did you see how old he was? He keeps emailing me thru match.com, inviting me to his condo in Brazil, very creepy weird guy.
Centerfield - don't know his real name, emails me through match, he's hilarious, 30 something, goofy looking, but makes me laugh, says I'm the only girl that can keep up with his wit. And he's good, takes a lot of effort but the banter is fun.
BTRanch - don't know his name w/o looking it up, emails me through match, very shy, has a ranch in Cedar Park, divorced, 36, 2 kids, moved here from Dallas, thinks I'm just so pretty, he's actually good looking but too shy.
Stefan - 38, never married, no kids, drives a Porshe, does yoga and gives the impression that he has a lot of money, but best I can tell, he's looking for the trophy girl and I'm not that girl. But he was impressed w/ my knowledge of cars and tracks (thanks JR).
Then there's Braden, my lab partner in Chemistry class my Sophmore year in high school. He's moving to TX from Florida next month. He's an ER Nurse which I never would've guessed. His timing on texts/emails is perfect. Just before a date, I get a "Good Luck"....I canceled on the date then sat at a bar, solo, and he text me the majority of the night. I have a huge important meeting today w/ the VP of Finance which I'll elaborate on in a second and just before the meeting he asked how it went. I told him I hadn't had it yet. But still, he remembered and he thought enough to text me. At night, when I'm sitting here, I'll get a random msg from him. Generic, but nice. Just the right dose of friend sometimes. He asked why me and JR broke up so I sent him the short version via email. His feedback was great. If only I would absorb it in this big brain of mine.
Then there's Joe, not my brother-in-law. He ran around w/ my brother's gang. He was the "bad" guy in high school but seems to have his life put together now. We've become really great friends. Have a lot of the same views on people and relationships. He pulls me out of my funks in the evenings. He remembers some crazy stuff that even I don't remember. Like he remembers a conversation I had w/ him in 6th grade. Bizarre. He's got a good heart and is genuine which is nice. I pretty much dump all my emotional shit on him in the evenings.
And while one might think I have enough distraction with all that, I still think of JR. My counselor asked me yesterday, "Why do you want someone that doesn't want you?" I didn't answer. I teared up. Because I don't think he doesn't want me. Too many things just don't add up in this. In fact, in the email he sent the other day, he contradicts himself at least 3 times. But what do I know? He's the one that's nearing "40 and no closer"...So, I couldn't help but think of him tonight when Alex said, "You are by far, the prettiest girl on match.com in Austin right now." I said, "That's not true, I've seen them. There's some pretty ones." He said, "The half decent ones I've gone on dates with all want to get married w/in an hour." Then he said, "You are very pretty, beautiful, and witty, and I can't imagine that someone hasn't snatched you up yet." I confessed, "I'm a psycho bitch and I borrowed those pics of some girl's myspace." He laughed. I'm glad he knew I was kidding but it did pose the question. But also gave me a little boost....uhh, yeah, why am I single? Not that I don't need to be or that there's anything wrong with it. But again, I'd like a companion and being rejected by Jefferson was a heartbreak and a low blow for many reasons. The main one, it doesn't make sense. For such a smart guy, he makes no sense. I told Alex I wouldn't be on match after the next week or so. True story.
I sit on the patio and hear footsteps and imagine JR walking up, jumping the fence, and sitting down and having civil conversation. But I know that'll never happen. I mean, hell, not even 10 hours after sending me that email that talked about missing me and all that's lost, he posts on fb, "....has a fuh-reaking amazing life" which all my friends say is bullshit. That its a front because even though we aren't "friends" he's gotta be hurting and knows I'll read it or hear it through the grapevine. No one's life, just after a break-up with something so "rare and special" is "fuh-reaking amazing".....Friends, keep telling me that.
I had a conversation with a girl at work who asked me if JR was going to run for office. I told her no. She then said, "So what the hell does it matter who you voted for or what your political beliefs are?" I shrugged. Not that I don't think it's important to share those beliefs, it would make things easier every 4 years I'm sure but it was lame that JR would bring that up as one of the main reasons we didn't approach life the same. Damn dude, you're gonna have to compromise on something unless you want to be "50 and no closer."
My counselor gave me 2 worksheets yesterday. One is called His Needs/Her Needs. I liked it. I knew it already but nice reminder. Also, he gave me a list of 20 questions to ask your partner BEFORE you get in a serious relationship. I asked what the point of that was or what I'm looking for based on the answers and he said, "Red flags. If you do not have common ground on those things, chances of you not working out are greater." I informed him that I knew all of JR's answers to these questions and chalked them up to valuing someone else as different or opposites attract. He looked at me and said, "You are very sharp, Khaki. Too sharp sometimes." Still processing that one.
So, I pretty much bombed month-end close on Rehab this month. Anything that went wrong, did. So, I got a meeting invite from the VP of Finance and the Financial Analyst. I went and it was wonderful. I got to show them the tedious steps involved, and suggested ways to improve the processes which require a software developer to create a program for us. I proposed many ideas/outlets/suggestions (thank you PwC for all that systems implementation work). I felt that the Khaki Factor was really working for me. I had a few minutes in there where my head was like, "Khaki, you're on fire." It felt great and was commended. And Wendy, the next time you try to throw me under the bus, could you please come up with a better defense? I just made her life easier today x50. She can thank me later. It felt so good afterwards that I didn't want to work the rest of the afternoon. I did but didn't feel like it. The one person I wanted to text, was JR. He was good at professional insight/advice. But if I did that now, I'd feel like that psychotic bitch he dated named Kim. She does that and he always played stupid. I think she wanted more from him and used that as a lure. Wtfe.
I'm tired and this half glass of wine has relaxed me to the point of bedtime. I will be glad when I can get through a day and not think of Jefferson. It sucks. I almost wish I had never met him and had a year of being single under my belt. Oh but the jeans I fit into this morning, were wonderful. I do have my appetite back but I've lost 9lbs since we broke up. Dreading the swimsuit I have to fit into tomorrow though. I'm taking the boys swimming and splashing. One more thing, I talked to Kevin via email today. He misses us. I'm definitely in the acceptance phase of that demise. He called to talk to the boys and talked to me more than them. We talked about discipline and it was wonderful.
G'night.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Simplicity
Tonight was fun. I really enjoyed the boys. I think they're appreciating my cooking efforts more and more. Kamdyn helped me cook, clean, and then I tickled him like crazy after baths. I hadn't heard him laugh like that in awhile. It was so cute. Then I read to them, each rotating a turn in my lap. Sweet boys!
Kyan had golf lessons today. He said he's going to get really good at it so he can hit the ball as far as Bubba. That made me smile. Also made me appreciate my family. All of them so much. Sure, they get on my nerves but man, when the going get tough, we know how to "glue-up."
TN had me scared to death about Vivian and the paramedics coming to revive her last night. That little girl is so freakin cute. I can't wait until she's a little bit older and her parents realize she won't break and she isn't as fragile as they think. Poor baby last night though. I wish I was there. I remember when Kyan had a seizure and how helpless I felt. That's the terror I heard in Neen's voice. I'm glad she's okay. I'm CPR certified, as of 2009, so I think/hope its still good. I also took a first aid class for kids. I recommended that she and Joe do the same. I'll babysit that sweet girl. I had her on my mind ALL day today. I can't even fathom the thought of losing any of our kids. EVER.
Emotionally, I'm 20 times better than I was a week ago. I still think of JR and miss him though. But I'm surrounded by some good people. Some familiar faces that have recently come into my life and that sure is nice. I feel like we never had a gap in our friendships. I'm looking forward to my Dallas trip in June. I get to catch up w/ Braden and hang out. He's going to be a wonderful friend. He already has been. Seems like he's got the right words of encouragment at just the right time. As bad as I want to go to that LeMons race that same weekend, I told my Dallas friends, don't let me. Besides, what if JR has a girl there w/ him. Ugh.
I did receive a nice email from JR today. I don't think I'll respond. When I saw his name on my phone, I got butterflies for a split second (my emails feed to my phone). I cringed as I opened the email. It mentioned us being friends and he said he doubted he could see me with someone else. Well, you goof, you basically dumped me? So, why would you be jealous? I can't say I ever saw him get jealous. I did though, to a fault. Stupid, Khaki. I asked Kyan tonight if he missed Jefferson. I told him he could say yes or no and I didn't care what his answer was. He said, "No, I don't miss him but can Michael come sleep over?" Every night after baths, Kasyn asks if Jefferson can come play zombie. Kamdyn brought me King, the car that Michael played with (JR's son) and told me to save it for Michael.
I still don't have an appetite. Today, I ate some Doritos (couldn't even finish the bag) and drank half of a Diet DP. I'm still taking my vitamins though so I'm fine.
My fan club was going strong today via text and emails. I didn't respond to any of them. Tonight, there were some hurt feelings. I just don't care. They're all very flattering texts/emails. A few are a little creepy, I'll admit. I'm just not feeling it. I am learning a little about defining boundaries so that's really good.
A local DJ took a listener on a date. Well, she didn't show up for the date so he's been talking about it all week. Anyway, my friend took it upon herself to email him today and tell him about me. He asked for a picture of me. So, she gave him my facebook page. I quickly emailed Braden and asked him which picture I should put as profile picture. He told me the one of me and the boys where I'm in the red shirt. I wrote back, "Why are you trying to ruin my chances from the get go?" He said, "Far from it. I'm helping you. There's something very sexy about a single mother." I left my pictures alone. It was funny. My friends are silly.
It's funny on Match.com how everyone inquires about my ethnicity. Asking if I'm from Peru, Labanon, Brazil (I get that one the most, thanks Drew). Nope, just little ol' me, Texas girl. The compliments about my outward appearance are nice. The compliments about how I carry conversation or have an awesome sense of humor are enticing but can't help but say, in my short exposure to the dating world, have become a bit cold and skeptical about those "lines"....(thanks JR).
Tomorrow is counseling which I have a whole list of things to discuss. I'm looking forward to it but just remembered I didn't do my homework. EEK! I need to get on that. Then I have my single mom group at church. I haven't seen them in over two weeks so it'll be good to see them. I think I'm exactly where I need to be. Life is good. Now, about that homework....and Modern Family.....and laundry. THEN sleep, which I still am having issues with.
Kyan had golf lessons today. He said he's going to get really good at it so he can hit the ball as far as Bubba. That made me smile. Also made me appreciate my family. All of them so much. Sure, they get on my nerves but man, when the going get tough, we know how to "glue-up."
TN had me scared to death about Vivian and the paramedics coming to revive her last night. That little girl is so freakin cute. I can't wait until she's a little bit older and her parents realize she won't break and she isn't as fragile as they think. Poor baby last night though. I wish I was there. I remember when Kyan had a seizure and how helpless I felt. That's the terror I heard in Neen's voice. I'm glad she's okay. I'm CPR certified, as of 2009, so I think/hope its still good. I also took a first aid class for kids. I recommended that she and Joe do the same. I'll babysit that sweet girl. I had her on my mind ALL day today. I can't even fathom the thought of losing any of our kids. EVER.
Emotionally, I'm 20 times better than I was a week ago. I still think of JR and miss him though. But I'm surrounded by some good people. Some familiar faces that have recently come into my life and that sure is nice. I feel like we never had a gap in our friendships. I'm looking forward to my Dallas trip in June. I get to catch up w/ Braden and hang out. He's going to be a wonderful friend. He already has been. Seems like he's got the right words of encouragment at just the right time. As bad as I want to go to that LeMons race that same weekend, I told my Dallas friends, don't let me. Besides, what if JR has a girl there w/ him. Ugh.
I did receive a nice email from JR today. I don't think I'll respond. When I saw his name on my phone, I got butterflies for a split second (my emails feed to my phone). I cringed as I opened the email. It mentioned us being friends and he said he doubted he could see me with someone else. Well, you goof, you basically dumped me? So, why would you be jealous? I can't say I ever saw him get jealous. I did though, to a fault. Stupid, Khaki. I asked Kyan tonight if he missed Jefferson. I told him he could say yes or no and I didn't care what his answer was. He said, "No, I don't miss him but can Michael come sleep over?" Every night after baths, Kasyn asks if Jefferson can come play zombie. Kamdyn brought me King, the car that Michael played with (JR's son) and told me to save it for Michael.
I still don't have an appetite. Today, I ate some Doritos (couldn't even finish the bag) and drank half of a Diet DP. I'm still taking my vitamins though so I'm fine.
My fan club was going strong today via text and emails. I didn't respond to any of them. Tonight, there were some hurt feelings. I just don't care. They're all very flattering texts/emails. A few are a little creepy, I'll admit. I'm just not feeling it. I am learning a little about defining boundaries so that's really good.
A local DJ took a listener on a date. Well, she didn't show up for the date so he's been talking about it all week. Anyway, my friend took it upon herself to email him today and tell him about me. He asked for a picture of me. So, she gave him my facebook page. I quickly emailed Braden and asked him which picture I should put as profile picture. He told me the one of me and the boys where I'm in the red shirt. I wrote back, "Why are you trying to ruin my chances from the get go?" He said, "Far from it. I'm helping you. There's something very sexy about a single mother." I left my pictures alone. It was funny. My friends are silly.
It's funny on Match.com how everyone inquires about my ethnicity. Asking if I'm from Peru, Labanon, Brazil (I get that one the most, thanks Drew). Nope, just little ol' me, Texas girl. The compliments about my outward appearance are nice. The compliments about how I carry conversation or have an awesome sense of humor are enticing but can't help but say, in my short exposure to the dating world, have become a bit cold and skeptical about those "lines"....(thanks JR).
Tomorrow is counseling which I have a whole list of things to discuss. I'm looking forward to it but just remembered I didn't do my homework. EEK! I need to get on that. Then I have my single mom group at church. I haven't seen them in over two weeks so it'll be good to see them. I think I'm exactly where I need to be. Life is good. Now, about that homework....and Modern Family.....and laundry. THEN sleep, which I still am having issues with.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Amazing....
Today was pretty amazing. Let me tell you all the good that has happened today.
First of all, let's start w/ how I was flattered today. I woke up to a text message from a guy I met last Friday. This wasn't a match date or anything. I met him while having a drink at Little Woodrow's. We sat and people watched for about 3 hours. We had great conversation. We were making up stories about total strangers and laughing our asses off. Anyway, I received a text message from him that just said, "You make me smile." I wrote back, "I'm not even up yet, how's that possible?" He said, "You are such an interesting person, I'm intrigued by you." I said, "What's so interesting about a single mom of 3 boys who goes to a bar and takes her phone as her date?" He said, "See? And your sense of humor. I need to see you again." At this point, I was awake but needed to get the boys ready. I got to the office and wrote, "Ahhh, you wanted in my pants. I know the lines. I'm not intrigued." He wrote back, "No, actually, that was the best conversation I've had w/ a total stranger in years, if ever."
Then mid-morning, I get a text from a guy I went on a Match.com date w/ last weekend. This guy is actually becoming funnier and funnier to me. He said, "I miss you." I said, "What's there to miss? Me, busting your chops and making you sweat and refusing to kiss you?" He said, "I buckle to my knees, Khaki, there you go again." I sent back a smiley face to which he said, "I miss your accent. LOVE the accent." I wrote back, "wtfe, you've lost your mind." He said, "please come to the hockey game w/ me on Saturday." I said, "I can't, got 3 dates w/ some blue eyed blonde headed boys." To which he responded, "I'll get my boys and your boys tickets then." I said, "No, you won't, but thank you." He's still begging.
Then I get a text from an old high school friend, JH, that has been really good to me lately. He's been the perfect medicine to my heart. He shoots straight with me and I appreciate that. It was just a simple good morning text but very nice.
Then, Clint, from match who I talked to for the first time last night. This was a funny conversation. He kept winking at me and finally I sent him a reply that I don't respond to winks. I explained that I've been on Match.com for a week, one week, and have 746 profile views, 206 winks, and 43 emails. Then he started asking me how he could improve his profile. So, I told him. We ended up talking for about 50 minutes and it was nice. Very friendly conversation. Someone who I'd like to have as a friend, actually. He sent me a text that said, "You know, you are so easy to talk to and to think, I almost thought you were too pretty to even wink at."
Even though I've heard all those things before, it's still nice. I'm a bit of a skeptic considering I'm still hurt by the break-up w/ JR and he said all of those things. What's funny is he never really told me I was pretty. I mean, he did, some. But times when I tried really hard, he never did. I've heard it more from Chris, the match guy I went to the comedy club in the past 4 days than w/ Jefferson.
Work sucked actually, well good and bad. We were going 90 miles an hour and every single one of us missed our deadline. The boss wasn't that unhappy about it. I mean, she wasn't thrilled but I still have an ass....and a job. And there were a few times I stood my ground on some of the entries and she complimented me. That felt nice. It would feel nicer if the financials were done.
THEN, the highlight of my day was watching the boys swim tonight. I looked forward to this all day long. Kyan swam underwater by himself. He and Kasyn had moved up levels. Poor Kam, would rather watch the time clock but we'll work on him. I was so proud of them. Words can't express how good it felt. It was hard to watch all three of them being in different classes. I am so ready to be "THAT" mom.....
First of all, let's start w/ how I was flattered today. I woke up to a text message from a guy I met last Friday. This wasn't a match date or anything. I met him while having a drink at Little Woodrow's. We sat and people watched for about 3 hours. We had great conversation. We were making up stories about total strangers and laughing our asses off. Anyway, I received a text message from him that just said, "You make me smile." I wrote back, "I'm not even up yet, how's that possible?" He said, "You are such an interesting person, I'm intrigued by you." I said, "What's so interesting about a single mom of 3 boys who goes to a bar and takes her phone as her date?" He said, "See? And your sense of humor. I need to see you again." At this point, I was awake but needed to get the boys ready. I got to the office and wrote, "Ahhh, you wanted in my pants. I know the lines. I'm not intrigued." He wrote back, "No, actually, that was the best conversation I've had w/ a total stranger in years, if ever."
Then mid-morning, I get a text from a guy I went on a Match.com date w/ last weekend. This guy is actually becoming funnier and funnier to me. He said, "I miss you." I said, "What's there to miss? Me, busting your chops and making you sweat and refusing to kiss you?" He said, "I buckle to my knees, Khaki, there you go again." I sent back a smiley face to which he said, "I miss your accent. LOVE the accent." I wrote back, "wtfe, you've lost your mind." He said, "please come to the hockey game w/ me on Saturday." I said, "I can't, got 3 dates w/ some blue eyed blonde headed boys." To which he responded, "I'll get my boys and your boys tickets then." I said, "No, you won't, but thank you." He's still begging.
Then I get a text from an old high school friend, JH, that has been really good to me lately. He's been the perfect medicine to my heart. He shoots straight with me and I appreciate that. It was just a simple good morning text but very nice.
Then, Clint, from match who I talked to for the first time last night. This was a funny conversation. He kept winking at me and finally I sent him a reply that I don't respond to winks. I explained that I've been on Match.com for a week, one week, and have 746 profile views, 206 winks, and 43 emails. Then he started asking me how he could improve his profile. So, I told him. We ended up talking for about 50 minutes and it was nice. Very friendly conversation. Someone who I'd like to have as a friend, actually. He sent me a text that said, "You know, you are so easy to talk to and to think, I almost thought you were too pretty to even wink at."
Even though I've heard all those things before, it's still nice. I'm a bit of a skeptic considering I'm still hurt by the break-up w/ JR and he said all of those things. What's funny is he never really told me I was pretty. I mean, he did, some. But times when I tried really hard, he never did. I've heard it more from Chris, the match guy I went to the comedy club in the past 4 days than w/ Jefferson.
Work sucked actually, well good and bad. We were going 90 miles an hour and every single one of us missed our deadline. The boss wasn't that unhappy about it. I mean, she wasn't thrilled but I still have an ass....and a job. And there were a few times I stood my ground on some of the entries and she complimented me. That felt nice. It would feel nicer if the financials were done.
THEN, the highlight of my day was watching the boys swim tonight. I looked forward to this all day long. Kyan swam underwater by himself. He and Kasyn had moved up levels. Poor Kam, would rather watch the time clock but we'll work on him. I was so proud of them. Words can't express how good it felt. It was hard to watch all three of them being in different classes. I am so ready to be "THAT" mom.....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The "other" L word....
Sometimes it's lonely because there is no one to share my grown-up heart with. No one to hold me after I've tucked in all the kids. No one to whisper, 'I'm here,' when there is a noise in the night. I'm deciding that I have to admit to the truth of lonely, but I do not have to live in bondage to it.
Kyan found a picture in the buffet table the other day. He asked who was the lady in the picture. The twins were about 6 months old. I told him it was me. I almost didn't recognize myself. The eyes. You'd think my eyes would always look the same but this woman's eyes were empty. Sad. Lonely. For a moment I actually wondered, who was this woman? She had my teeth and she was holding my kids. It made me look through a ton of pictures and realize that woman was living unhappy for far too long. Even when I was married, empty, lonely.
There have been times this past year when I was empty. I would scream. Not a muffled scream. The screaming that came ripping out of me was the real thing. Sometimes, some seasons, some days, I feel like screaming. Everything just caves in and it can't be muffled. Even screaming into a pillow doesn't muffle it. But yet, it falls on deaf ears.
Sadly though, this screaming is heard by my children and comes in waves. Then, after screaming, I cry because of the terrified wounded looks on their faces. Sometimes, I even see fear. I scream because I feel like I have nothing. Somedays, I'm completely given out. An empty, desperate cry, kind of like a grieving. What an embarrasingly immature thing for such an educated woman to do in front of her children. Or worse, AT her children. When you continue to live empty, it hurts the ones you love. And if empty, it's time for a change. My kids deserve a shot at life with a healthy mom whose redeemed life is becoming amazing.
I don't think other people believe that single moms are all that lonely. We've got kids who live with us, and those brilliant little minds are always coming up with a million things for us to do for them. And single moms are ridiculously busy, they reason, so how could we be lonely? We are balancing and multitasking more than any sane human being should have to. But maybe that in itself is a part of it. When you're holding up the world, all by yourself, fatigue sets in. Everyone assumes you can be strong because you are getting it all done, but no one wants to be that strong. And really, no one should have to be. Eventually the fatigue is overwhelming and being tired just makes you lonelier.
Some people act as if they don't need anyone. I think it's a front, a distancing technique to keep hurt away. I'm guilty of the "I don't need a man." I've acted like that when I was afraid of more pain. After you've been hurt in relationships more times that you care to count, you begin to tell yourself you'd be better off alone. Of course, lonely is a million times better than lonely and living in misery. But just plain lonely still stinks.
I consider it to be a good day when no one is mad at me, kids are entertained, groceries in cabinets, lights still on, emails have all been answered, messages returned, mail opened, etc. But underneath every great thing that's going on for me is this weird ever-present longing for more. A lonesomeness that comes with being a single mom in a couples' world. A single woman in a family of four.
I do feel like a baby sometimes. Whiny. Emotional. Prone to tears. Trying not to let the lonely vibe out and ruin someone else's day. I'm sure the people in my life are over it. I mean, I've been singing this same tune for years now...even though I'm only a year post-divorce.
The strangest things make me realize I'm alone and lonely in life. Taking the kids to a park. We'll be having a great time, and then I'll see a dad give a mom an extra-long hug, and I'll feel that thing you feel on the inside. That sinking feeling. Or we'll get out of the car to take Kyan into school and I see a dad walking his kid in.
What I'm trying to say is that this loneliness can cloud judgement on filling that void. And I can say, I've chosen poorly. I have enough rational thinking, even exhausted, to realize this. I've gone on dates even when I knew before going, the guy never had a chance in hell. At least I'm aware that loneliness can't kill me. Sure, lonely multplies the tears. Lonely can even steal away your hope and make you think nothing good is coming, but it can't kill you. Half of us would be dead if it could.
And trust me, I'll take that alone-staring-at-the-ceiling kind of lonely...the kind where you just wish your phone would ring...over lonely and having to fight to be heard or scream your point to make sense of it. This lonely is a million times better than THAT lonely...the kind that comes from being in a loveless relationship.
I've decided that lonely can teach you love if you'll let it. There is an upside in this conflicted brain/heart of mine. I realize that acquiring lessons from lonely is a little like getting an A in trig. There are probably only 20 people in life that need to even know trigonometry. The rest of us are fine quoting the memorized Pythagorean theorem again and again. So, here I sit, lonely, wanting to love, with an A in cosines and tangents, learning things that make me a multi-layered person....a better person.
Lonely is that class nobody wants. While living alone has capabilites of creating character amidst all those layers, I don't desire THAT much character. So, here I sit, in the advanced placement class on lonely and certain that I could have a beautiful life w/o all this instruction. And yes, looking at the timelines mentioned in previous blogs, having never been single before...or without another physical being attached, I've been lonely most of my 30 years. Maybe somewhere down the road the test will be over and I can be placed into the Graduate-level love class.
Nah, I'm not ready for that class yet. I don't love myself enough. I'm learning. I'm learning to love more and more everyday, yes solo. I can't give what I don't have and when I spend my days empty, flat out exhausted, not even running on fumes, beyond that by 30 miles....I break. But breaking is what's getting me here. Here, to the point of realization for my amazing life. I love my kids like a fat kid loves cake but often times, too often, go to bed feeling guilty that they're only getting crumbs of me. I hate that feeling. I can't give what I don't have. Now begins the self discovery on finding those ingredients....the gas to fuel up. And I'm not going to get a vacation to find these things. No, the world doesn't stop spinning to give me that liberty. I have to find it elsewhere.
When I asked my counselor if I should be dating or not, he said this, "You are a survivor, Khaki. You are one of the most pragmatic people I have had sit in this chair. You are normal. We learn things about ourselves, often times, through other people. If being with someone sheds light on that for you, date. What could it hurt?" True. I like him, btw. I'm going back this week. He's different than any other counselor I've gone to. I have learned from every relationship I've ever had in my life. I've learned about other people too. Not saying I haven't learned a lot in solitude because I have. But every break-up or demise, I'm learning more and more about me. What I want, what I don't want. What I need, what I don't need.
Kyan found a picture in the buffet table the other day. He asked who was the lady in the picture. The twins were about 6 months old. I told him it was me. I almost didn't recognize myself. The eyes. You'd think my eyes would always look the same but this woman's eyes were empty. Sad. Lonely. For a moment I actually wondered, who was this woman? She had my teeth and she was holding my kids. It made me look through a ton of pictures and realize that woman was living unhappy for far too long. Even when I was married, empty, lonely.
There have been times this past year when I was empty. I would scream. Not a muffled scream. The screaming that came ripping out of me was the real thing. Sometimes, some seasons, some days, I feel like screaming. Everything just caves in and it can't be muffled. Even screaming into a pillow doesn't muffle it. But yet, it falls on deaf ears.
Sadly though, this screaming is heard by my children and comes in waves. Then, after screaming, I cry because of the terrified wounded looks on their faces. Sometimes, I even see fear. I scream because I feel like I have nothing. Somedays, I'm completely given out. An empty, desperate cry, kind of like a grieving. What an embarrasingly immature thing for such an educated woman to do in front of her children. Or worse, AT her children. When you continue to live empty, it hurts the ones you love. And if empty, it's time for a change. My kids deserve a shot at life with a healthy mom whose redeemed life is becoming amazing.
I don't think other people believe that single moms are all that lonely. We've got kids who live with us, and those brilliant little minds are always coming up with a million things for us to do for them. And single moms are ridiculously busy, they reason, so how could we be lonely? We are balancing and multitasking more than any sane human being should have to. But maybe that in itself is a part of it. When you're holding up the world, all by yourself, fatigue sets in. Everyone assumes you can be strong because you are getting it all done, but no one wants to be that strong. And really, no one should have to be. Eventually the fatigue is overwhelming and being tired just makes you lonelier.
Some people act as if they don't need anyone. I think it's a front, a distancing technique to keep hurt away. I'm guilty of the "I don't need a man." I've acted like that when I was afraid of more pain. After you've been hurt in relationships more times that you care to count, you begin to tell yourself you'd be better off alone. Of course, lonely is a million times better than lonely and living in misery. But just plain lonely still stinks.
I consider it to be a good day when no one is mad at me, kids are entertained, groceries in cabinets, lights still on, emails have all been answered, messages returned, mail opened, etc. But underneath every great thing that's going on for me is this weird ever-present longing for more. A lonesomeness that comes with being a single mom in a couples' world. A single woman in a family of four.
I do feel like a baby sometimes. Whiny. Emotional. Prone to tears. Trying not to let the lonely vibe out and ruin someone else's day. I'm sure the people in my life are over it. I mean, I've been singing this same tune for years now...even though I'm only a year post-divorce.
The strangest things make me realize I'm alone and lonely in life. Taking the kids to a park. We'll be having a great time, and then I'll see a dad give a mom an extra-long hug, and I'll feel that thing you feel on the inside. That sinking feeling. Or we'll get out of the car to take Kyan into school and I see a dad walking his kid in.
What I'm trying to say is that this loneliness can cloud judgement on filling that void. And I can say, I've chosen poorly. I have enough rational thinking, even exhausted, to realize this. I've gone on dates even when I knew before going, the guy never had a chance in hell. At least I'm aware that loneliness can't kill me. Sure, lonely multplies the tears. Lonely can even steal away your hope and make you think nothing good is coming, but it can't kill you. Half of us would be dead if it could.
And trust me, I'll take that alone-staring-at-the-ceiling kind of lonely...the kind where you just wish your phone would ring...over lonely and having to fight to be heard or scream your point to make sense of it. This lonely is a million times better than THAT lonely...the kind that comes from being in a loveless relationship.
I've decided that lonely can teach you love if you'll let it. There is an upside in this conflicted brain/heart of mine. I realize that acquiring lessons from lonely is a little like getting an A in trig. There are probably only 20 people in life that need to even know trigonometry. The rest of us are fine quoting the memorized Pythagorean theorem again and again. So, here I sit, lonely, wanting to love, with an A in cosines and tangents, learning things that make me a multi-layered person....a better person.
Lonely is that class nobody wants. While living alone has capabilites of creating character amidst all those layers, I don't desire THAT much character. So, here I sit, in the advanced placement class on lonely and certain that I could have a beautiful life w/o all this instruction. And yes, looking at the timelines mentioned in previous blogs, having never been single before...or without another physical being attached, I've been lonely most of my 30 years. Maybe somewhere down the road the test will be over and I can be placed into the Graduate-level love class.
Nah, I'm not ready for that class yet. I don't love myself enough. I'm learning. I'm learning to love more and more everyday, yes solo. I can't give what I don't have and when I spend my days empty, flat out exhausted, not even running on fumes, beyond that by 30 miles....I break. But breaking is what's getting me here. Here, to the point of realization for my amazing life. I love my kids like a fat kid loves cake but often times, too often, go to bed feeling guilty that they're only getting crumbs of me. I hate that feeling. I can't give what I don't have. Now begins the self discovery on finding those ingredients....the gas to fuel up. And I'm not going to get a vacation to find these things. No, the world doesn't stop spinning to give me that liberty. I have to find it elsewhere.
When I asked my counselor if I should be dating or not, he said this, "You are a survivor, Khaki. You are one of the most pragmatic people I have had sit in this chair. You are normal. We learn things about ourselves, often times, through other people. If being with someone sheds light on that for you, date. What could it hurt?" True. I like him, btw. I'm going back this week. He's different than any other counselor I've gone to. I have learned from every relationship I've ever had in my life. I've learned about other people too. Not saying I haven't learned a lot in solitude because I have. But every break-up or demise, I'm learning more and more about me. What I want, what I don't want. What I need, what I don't need.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Meet Jefferson aka JR aka Lotus aka The Tinman
Once the gavel dropped and my divorce was final, I was very eager to get back out there and date and experience this single life. Not run into the arms of someone long term but perhaps educate myself to act more like a 30 year old sane single person than a broken, rejected, bitter 17 year old. I signed up for Match.com. Wow, who needs Drew when you can just post a few pretty pics of yourself up on some website for all strange men to see and comment and wink at? I was overwhelmed with my responses. And honestly, feeling pretty good about it. A funny sidebar, Drew came up in one of my matches. So, I filled all my spare time when the boys would go away to Kevin's, dating. Lunch dates, dinner dates, whatever. JUST when I was about to give up, I met Jefferson. You might be asking why I would want to give up if I was so flattered and what sounded like fun. No, I would get so sick before every date and after about the 3rd one, I was bored. No one ever got a second date during that dating frenzy. Too, in the evenings of my time with the boys, I was beginning to feel the effects of singlemommydom. I just wanted to be alone and envisioned being this SuperMom. A true SuperMom need not be attached. My emotions were wavering. Jefferson was very intriguing to me. He was funny in email exchanges. It was an off-beat funny but I liked it. He's a single dad and I'm a single mom so getting synced for a first meeting/date was near impossible. We started communicating in early May and then by May 17th we met. This was the greatest date thus far. We met one Sunday evening at about 6pm at a place called Opal Divine's. Our date lasted just after midnight or close to it. One thing I was surprised by was that he kissed me in mid-sentence at one point. No one had tried that yet. It was okay for JR though. We were connecting. There was something there.
Fast forward a few months and things were progressing well. We had a great time getting out kids together. I looked so forward to every spare weekend just being with him and doing something new. He took me on the race track and exposed me to that. I love that. I would like to venture that on my own. It's not redneck racing, it's fun, exciting, like a rollercoaster but better, no loops. Christmas was a defining moment for us. I woke up Christmas morning and just felt a wave of emotion. Here is this great guy that has gone out of his way to do nice things for me (and my kids), gifts, time, etc. and I just felt like I was being disloyal to Kevin having JR there on Christmas. Like I was being disloyal to the boys. Then when Kasyn fell on the fireplace and gashed his head open and no one escorted me to the ER with him and we laid in the hospital bed, just the two of us, it hit me. Ideally, the man of my dreams would've wanted to be the hero and help me. There was no reason he couldn't have come. His son was fine w/ my other two kids staying behind w/ my mom, sister, brother, brother-in-law, etc. That's when I first noticed that something was missing. Hell, I even called Kevin to tell him I was on my way to the ER w/ Kasyn (his son, mind you) and he said, "Alright, I'm watching a movie, let me know how it goes." Floored. I was floored. There was a tornado in my heart and I didn't know how to react. Then JR didn't make grandious efforts to attend my birthday party the following month but knew well in advance my plans. He did great things for my birthday....like decorated my apartment, took me to a nice dinner a few weeks prior, etc. But all of my friends were coming in town and he didn't come out with us. Then we started fighting more and more. I felt pushed away, unimportant, and started internally evaluating where I was in my life. We would talk about "us" but it wasn't really coming to a common ground. And with every holiday or event, in the back of my mind, I saw Kevin. No, I didn't/don't want Kevin back but this unfamiliarity of someone else in his place was a very conflicted feeling. We had a great Spring Break together. My kids were gone to Kevin's and I spent some time alone at my apartment which was nice and some time with JR. It was good. Then we had the boys birthday party. That went well but even then I noticed distance between us. Work got really chaotic following that week. His travel got chaotic and rather than gripping on and trudging through it, we drifted. And he was in NYC working and called one night, out of sheer exhaustion, I could not extend myself to have a conversation about "us" so I let him go. The next morning, his facebook status had changed from "in a relationship w/ Khaki" to "single"...I woke up to my phone beeping. My sister had sent me a text, "Did you break up with JR? Check fb." Out of all honesty, I had tried to break up with him 3 times before this but couldn't do it. I don't know if I was fearful of hurting him or losing someone so great. He really is a wonderful guy. We just have a few misfires in connecting and I can't understand why he's adamant about holding his ground on some things. Perhaps, JR likes the "get them before they get you" self defeating game. Several of his friends couldn't believe he had broken up w/ me. I'm not being arrogant or judgmental but I think I was one of the prettiest girls he's dated. I have other attributes but I'll elaborate on that in a few. He's 38, divorced, has a 2 year old son (7 months younger than my twins), 6 ft tall, pretty brown eyes, great job, stable, has goals, dreams, is a gentleman, very smart, etc. He suggested we go to counseling or do some sort of self-study on our relationship (workbooks, etc). I just wasn't into it. I spent the majority of my marriage always in counseling for something and it didn't prove to be fruitful. I'm divorced, right? So, the ultimate fruition of all that therapy would be that I would be in a healthy marriage today. I'm not. At any rate, we continued to talk on the phone, text, email. He's just emotionally unavailable to me. Things I think are huge, he's so pragmatic about. Things I get excited or upset about, he's not. He's not my soft place to fall. As for religion, we are on opposite spectrums. Some important members in my family voted that he just doesn't fit in. I agree but not quite sure how much weight that carries. It's my life. We've gone back and forth several times, get back together? don't get back together? I don't understand why it has to be so hard. On one hand, I know we have some major disconnects. So, why not walk away and chalk it up to some really great memories? On another hand, the grass isn't always greener and while love was created in heaven, so was thunder and lightening. But does that mean I would be settling? Then there's a part of me that doesn't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for. That proves true for Kevin and JR. JR even claims that I was "one of his life's greatest loves"...and that's sad to me because a really great love is worth so much compromise, sacrifice, conversation, etc. But, he's not. He's shut himself off from showing any emotion to this break-up. I hear the words when we do talk but I don't feel them. I always said I was a script in his life. Take Khaki out and insert anyone else and it would be the same. I think that's true still. He claims that what we had was so rare and special. But yet, I feel so replaceable. Deep down, I know there is only one Khaki D. The bitter, crazy bitch part of me hopes that haunts him for awhile. You'll never find one like me. Ask Nick or Kevin. :-)
Drew had a list of things he was looking for in a relationship. Something like, must haves, might have, desire but okay if not present, etc. JR isn't fitting my must have list so why am I holding onto the idea of him working out so much? I had asked for some time to gain clarity. I wasn't sure if that was a few days, weeks, a month, whatever. He wasn't willing to give me that so he bailed, set up a match.com profile and jumped back into the dating game again. In my head, I'm well aware that I'm beautiful and have a lot to offer. In my head I know that I'm better than this. This being fighting, drama, arguing, trying to sell myself or convince someone I'm worth holding onto. You see, I have it, in this head of mine, that someday, I'm going to be "that" girl....the girl that is the main character in some famous love story. The girl worth holding onto. The girl worth fighting for. The girl they write about in those country songs. JR believes that there's not one person for everyone. I agree to an extent. So, while relationships do take work, I don't think it should be so hard. I don't think it should be rocket science. I'm a hopeless romantic despite my heartbreaks in life.
I did have a bit of a confidence booster recently. Several of my friends have said in a number of ways that I was too good for JR. That I was too pretty, too bubbly, too extroverted. We'll get to the authors of those comments in a few blogs. My sister said he didn't gel with my family. I mean, they liked him. Those that knew me and Kevin just didn't think me and JR were as connected. Some would be ever so insightful to say that my eyes don't spark like they should. They can just "tell"...I'm not sure my family isn't comparing him to Kevin. While me and Kevin had our issues, they loved him unconditionally, until he asked the dealer to hit while he was sitting on 19, that is. But if I was "too pretty" and guys are such physical beings, why isn't that worth a little fight? Oh, I'm far more than a pretty face but seriously?
Basically, I've spent this past week in a horrible funk. I cry at the drop of a hat. I lay on the couch missing Jefferson. My kids ask about him. I miss the fun. I miss all that we did. I miss having someone. Ouch, I know some of you reading just gave yourselves a point for me saying that last sentence but there's more to it. I'm conflicted. My heart tells me to move on. My head tells me to evaluate this a little better. So, I've named JR, the Tinman. I think on the outside, he appears to be all these great things but deep down, he doesn't know love like I know it. He doesn't know the depths of love. Therefore, does that mean he doesn't know or comprehend his own capabilities? Do I fault him for that or show him how it's possible? To a fault and to his favor, he's the very opposite of Kevin. I believe people are brought together for reason. Am I finished? Is my job done? Or is there more to learn and teach?
To his defense, I don't think his family did him justice on his upbringing. They're all very smart, college educated individuals with their own quirks but when I'm around them, there's a sense of cold. There's a distance between all of them. My family has a far better grip on loving each other. Not to say we don't fight or hurt one another but we always bounce back, often times, closer than we were before.
So, why is it when a guy doesn't get his way, rather than express some vulnerability and confront it, he jumps ship? Runs in the other direction? Rebounds so quickly to fill the role in that script? This is true with Kevin too. I don't feel like typing about Georgia right now but Kevin truly did lose the love of his life x 4 (me and the boys) and he already has a replacement. Or maybe saying he already has a distraction is better. If JR can look me in the eyes and say that he hasn't felt that connected, we're rare and special, etc., etc., etc., then what are you looking for? I don't believe in the, "if you love something set it free" saying. I do, however, believe that "with every good-bye, you learn".....
Fast forward a few months and things were progressing well. We had a great time getting out kids together. I looked so forward to every spare weekend just being with him and doing something new. He took me on the race track and exposed me to that. I love that. I would like to venture that on my own. It's not redneck racing, it's fun, exciting, like a rollercoaster but better, no loops. Christmas was a defining moment for us. I woke up Christmas morning and just felt a wave of emotion. Here is this great guy that has gone out of his way to do nice things for me (and my kids), gifts, time, etc. and I just felt like I was being disloyal to Kevin having JR there on Christmas. Like I was being disloyal to the boys. Then when Kasyn fell on the fireplace and gashed his head open and no one escorted me to the ER with him and we laid in the hospital bed, just the two of us, it hit me. Ideally, the man of my dreams would've wanted to be the hero and help me. There was no reason he couldn't have come. His son was fine w/ my other two kids staying behind w/ my mom, sister, brother, brother-in-law, etc. That's when I first noticed that something was missing. Hell, I even called Kevin to tell him I was on my way to the ER w/ Kasyn (his son, mind you) and he said, "Alright, I'm watching a movie, let me know how it goes." Floored. I was floored. There was a tornado in my heart and I didn't know how to react. Then JR didn't make grandious efforts to attend my birthday party the following month but knew well in advance my plans. He did great things for my birthday....like decorated my apartment, took me to a nice dinner a few weeks prior, etc. But all of my friends were coming in town and he didn't come out with us. Then we started fighting more and more. I felt pushed away, unimportant, and started internally evaluating where I was in my life. We would talk about "us" but it wasn't really coming to a common ground. And with every holiday or event, in the back of my mind, I saw Kevin. No, I didn't/don't want Kevin back but this unfamiliarity of someone else in his place was a very conflicted feeling. We had a great Spring Break together. My kids were gone to Kevin's and I spent some time alone at my apartment which was nice and some time with JR. It was good. Then we had the boys birthday party. That went well but even then I noticed distance between us. Work got really chaotic following that week. His travel got chaotic and rather than gripping on and trudging through it, we drifted. And he was in NYC working and called one night, out of sheer exhaustion, I could not extend myself to have a conversation about "us" so I let him go. The next morning, his facebook status had changed from "in a relationship w/ Khaki" to "single"...I woke up to my phone beeping. My sister had sent me a text, "Did you break up with JR? Check fb." Out of all honesty, I had tried to break up with him 3 times before this but couldn't do it. I don't know if I was fearful of hurting him or losing someone so great. He really is a wonderful guy. We just have a few misfires in connecting and I can't understand why he's adamant about holding his ground on some things. Perhaps, JR likes the "get them before they get you" self defeating game. Several of his friends couldn't believe he had broken up w/ me. I'm not being arrogant or judgmental but I think I was one of the prettiest girls he's dated. I have other attributes but I'll elaborate on that in a few. He's 38, divorced, has a 2 year old son (7 months younger than my twins), 6 ft tall, pretty brown eyes, great job, stable, has goals, dreams, is a gentleman, very smart, etc. He suggested we go to counseling or do some sort of self-study on our relationship (workbooks, etc). I just wasn't into it. I spent the majority of my marriage always in counseling for something and it didn't prove to be fruitful. I'm divorced, right? So, the ultimate fruition of all that therapy would be that I would be in a healthy marriage today. I'm not. At any rate, we continued to talk on the phone, text, email. He's just emotionally unavailable to me. Things I think are huge, he's so pragmatic about. Things I get excited or upset about, he's not. He's not my soft place to fall. As for religion, we are on opposite spectrums. Some important members in my family voted that he just doesn't fit in. I agree but not quite sure how much weight that carries. It's my life. We've gone back and forth several times, get back together? don't get back together? I don't understand why it has to be so hard. On one hand, I know we have some major disconnects. So, why not walk away and chalk it up to some really great memories? On another hand, the grass isn't always greener and while love was created in heaven, so was thunder and lightening. But does that mean I would be settling? Then there's a part of me that doesn't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for. That proves true for Kevin and JR. JR even claims that I was "one of his life's greatest loves"...and that's sad to me because a really great love is worth so much compromise, sacrifice, conversation, etc. But, he's not. He's shut himself off from showing any emotion to this break-up. I hear the words when we do talk but I don't feel them. I always said I was a script in his life. Take Khaki out and insert anyone else and it would be the same. I think that's true still. He claims that what we had was so rare and special. But yet, I feel so replaceable. Deep down, I know there is only one Khaki D. The bitter, crazy bitch part of me hopes that haunts him for awhile. You'll never find one like me. Ask Nick or Kevin. :-)
Drew had a list of things he was looking for in a relationship. Something like, must haves, might have, desire but okay if not present, etc. JR isn't fitting my must have list so why am I holding onto the idea of him working out so much? I had asked for some time to gain clarity. I wasn't sure if that was a few days, weeks, a month, whatever. He wasn't willing to give me that so he bailed, set up a match.com profile and jumped back into the dating game again. In my head, I'm well aware that I'm beautiful and have a lot to offer. In my head I know that I'm better than this. This being fighting, drama, arguing, trying to sell myself or convince someone I'm worth holding onto. You see, I have it, in this head of mine, that someday, I'm going to be "that" girl....the girl that is the main character in some famous love story. The girl worth holding onto. The girl worth fighting for. The girl they write about in those country songs. JR believes that there's not one person for everyone. I agree to an extent. So, while relationships do take work, I don't think it should be so hard. I don't think it should be rocket science. I'm a hopeless romantic despite my heartbreaks in life.
I did have a bit of a confidence booster recently. Several of my friends have said in a number of ways that I was too good for JR. That I was too pretty, too bubbly, too extroverted. We'll get to the authors of those comments in a few blogs. My sister said he didn't gel with my family. I mean, they liked him. Those that knew me and Kevin just didn't think me and JR were as connected. Some would be ever so insightful to say that my eyes don't spark like they should. They can just "tell"...I'm not sure my family isn't comparing him to Kevin. While me and Kevin had our issues, they loved him unconditionally, until he asked the dealer to hit while he was sitting on 19, that is. But if I was "too pretty" and guys are such physical beings, why isn't that worth a little fight? Oh, I'm far more than a pretty face but seriously?
Basically, I've spent this past week in a horrible funk. I cry at the drop of a hat. I lay on the couch missing Jefferson. My kids ask about him. I miss the fun. I miss all that we did. I miss having someone. Ouch, I know some of you reading just gave yourselves a point for me saying that last sentence but there's more to it. I'm conflicted. My heart tells me to move on. My head tells me to evaluate this a little better. So, I've named JR, the Tinman. I think on the outside, he appears to be all these great things but deep down, he doesn't know love like I know it. He doesn't know the depths of love. Therefore, does that mean he doesn't know or comprehend his own capabilities? Do I fault him for that or show him how it's possible? To a fault and to his favor, he's the very opposite of Kevin. I believe people are brought together for reason. Am I finished? Is my job done? Or is there more to learn and teach?
To his defense, I don't think his family did him justice on his upbringing. They're all very smart, college educated individuals with their own quirks but when I'm around them, there's a sense of cold. There's a distance between all of them. My family has a far better grip on loving each other. Not to say we don't fight or hurt one another but we always bounce back, often times, closer than we were before.
So, why is it when a guy doesn't get his way, rather than express some vulnerability and confront it, he jumps ship? Runs in the other direction? Rebounds so quickly to fill the role in that script? This is true with Kevin too. I don't feel like typing about Georgia right now but Kevin truly did lose the love of his life x 4 (me and the boys) and he already has a replacement. Or maybe saying he already has a distraction is better. If JR can look me in the eyes and say that he hasn't felt that connected, we're rare and special, etc., etc., etc., then what are you looking for? I don't believe in the, "if you love something set it free" saying. I do, however, believe that "with every good-bye, you learn".....
Meet Drew aka AJM aka Fuktard aka The Fireman aka The Catalyst aka Woody
There I was on a lonely Saturday night...not knowing what to do when it dawned on me that I had never before gone to Cool River on a Saturday night. I had been there many times before on the plentiful Thursday "Ladies" night, yet hadn't made it out to the cactual fabled weekend festivities there.
Even while I was parking my car I was wondering why I was there by myself. I walked in and took a lap seeing who was there. It was full of interesting prospects, but I wasn't really in the mood to spend much time there. I decided to sit and drink a couple of beers before I took off.
I sat at an empty table, ordered my first beer and broke out the cell phone to gab at my friend in California. In between messages, I looked over to my left, and there she was, a beautiful brunette wearing tall black boots....dressed to kill! She seemed to be alone, but kept looking at her phone like she might be expecting someone, so I stayed at bay. And then it happened....from out of nowhere Wild Bill started telling this beautiful woman his goofy life story! I know because he was talking so loudly I'm sure the band, 50 yards away, could hear him also!!!
So, there I sat listening to where he was from, what he did, and how he knows people from Brazil. This is where my interest was pricked...Brazil?....was she Brazilian? She had the shimmering brown skin, the almond eyes, and the long beautiful brown hair Brazilian women are famous for. Could it be? Could I impress her by simply speaking her language since I used to live there, and seal the coffin on Wild Bill?!?!?! She and Billy Boy were bantering in Portuguese. All I had to do was wait until Billy Boy was off doing something else...and finally I got my chance. While he was off dancing with a large woman in his party, I moved in and initiated conversation.
She started to talk to me readily, but then looked at me like she wasn't understanding what I was saying to her, that's when I realized I was speaking in Portuguese to her. Perhaps a problem. She wasn't Brazilian, however, she worked for a Brazilian company and that was the connection Bill was broadcasting in Dolby Digital to the surrounding area.
We started talking and I found out that she was in somewhat of the samt boat I was in going through my divorce! We totally hit it off talking for the rest of the night, sharing all the same experiences we have both gone through.
Sooner than I knew it Cool River closed. I slowly walked her out to her car...not wanting to reach her car door and have to say goodbye. When we did get there we stood and talked in the cold for a while, and then I took a chance. I was going to grab something to eat before going back home, and I invited her to come. She slightly smiled at me and took the invite!!
Walking back to the truck I don't know if I was actually touching the ground...it felt great...she said yes??? (Was there something wrong with her??)
She followed me to IHOP and we sat and ate. I eagerly sat and learned all I could about her. She was so interesting. She was so well-spoken. She was so pretty. Her eyes, her hair, her lips, the way she moved her hands, the way she ate, she had an innocent yet mature aura about her. I wanted to learn her every nuance.
Sadly, the evening/morning had come to an end as she was driving all the way back to Dallas in the morning! (Of course the girl of my dreams wouldn't be divorced yet, and live 400 miles away!!!) We said good-bye, and as we walked back to her car, I was on cloud nine, happy beyond words.
As I said good night I felt so tempted to kiss her, but she's still in a situation that doesn't allow that. I would have to wait. I watched her get int her car, and I followed her down the road until she was out of sight. I spent the rest of the drive home thinking about everything we had talked about....dreaming of the next time I get to see her....hoping I would get to see her.
Now, wasn't that one of the sweetest things you've ever read? HA!!! Drew was psycho. We would text and talk on the phone and he just showed signs of crazy. And I did see him on a few trips back to Austin over the next months. Hell, he and 3 of his co-workers unloaded my moving truck in about 50 minutes. I will say that there were times he kept me rational. He was just the right dose of boost to my confidence. Oh and he was 6ft 8 inches tall, fireman, decent build but looked like Woody from Toy Story. I never saw him again after he helped me move. I did get the opportunity to tell him that he was a catalyst in my divorce. I don't think he liked it too much. He was totally a player though. He was Mormon, well, I don't know much about Mormonism but I do know that he was excommunicated from the church? And the bastard cheated on his wife and had 4 kids. Good riddance.
Even while I was parking my car I was wondering why I was there by myself. I walked in and took a lap seeing who was there. It was full of interesting prospects, but I wasn't really in the mood to spend much time there. I decided to sit and drink a couple of beers before I took off.
I sat at an empty table, ordered my first beer and broke out the cell phone to gab at my friend in California. In between messages, I looked over to my left, and there she was, a beautiful brunette wearing tall black boots....dressed to kill! She seemed to be alone, but kept looking at her phone like she might be expecting someone, so I stayed at bay. And then it happened....from out of nowhere Wild Bill started telling this beautiful woman his goofy life story! I know because he was talking so loudly I'm sure the band, 50 yards away, could hear him also!!!
So, there I sat listening to where he was from, what he did, and how he knows people from Brazil. This is where my interest was pricked...Brazil?....was she Brazilian? She had the shimmering brown skin, the almond eyes, and the long beautiful brown hair Brazilian women are famous for. Could it be? Could I impress her by simply speaking her language since I used to live there, and seal the coffin on Wild Bill?!?!?! She and Billy Boy were bantering in Portuguese. All I had to do was wait until Billy Boy was off doing something else...and finally I got my chance. While he was off dancing with a large woman in his party, I moved in and initiated conversation.
She started to talk to me readily, but then looked at me like she wasn't understanding what I was saying to her, that's when I realized I was speaking in Portuguese to her. Perhaps a problem. She wasn't Brazilian, however, she worked for a Brazilian company and that was the connection Bill was broadcasting in Dolby Digital to the surrounding area.
We started talking and I found out that she was in somewhat of the samt boat I was in going through my divorce! We totally hit it off talking for the rest of the night, sharing all the same experiences we have both gone through.
Sooner than I knew it Cool River closed. I slowly walked her out to her car...not wanting to reach her car door and have to say goodbye. When we did get there we stood and talked in the cold for a while, and then I took a chance. I was going to grab something to eat before going back home, and I invited her to come. She slightly smiled at me and took the invite!!
Walking back to the truck I don't know if I was actually touching the ground...it felt great...she said yes??? (Was there something wrong with her??)
She followed me to IHOP and we sat and ate. I eagerly sat and learned all I could about her. She was so interesting. She was so well-spoken. She was so pretty. Her eyes, her hair, her lips, the way she moved her hands, the way she ate, she had an innocent yet mature aura about her. I wanted to learn her every nuance.
Sadly, the evening/morning had come to an end as she was driving all the way back to Dallas in the morning! (Of course the girl of my dreams wouldn't be divorced yet, and live 400 miles away!!!) We said good-bye, and as we walked back to her car, I was on cloud nine, happy beyond words.
As I said good night I felt so tempted to kiss her, but she's still in a situation that doesn't allow that. I would have to wait. I watched her get int her car, and I followed her down the road until she was out of sight. I spent the rest of the drive home thinking about everything we had talked about....dreaming of the next time I get to see her....hoping I would get to see her.
Now, wasn't that one of the sweetest things you've ever read? HA!!! Drew was psycho. We would text and talk on the phone and he just showed signs of crazy. And I did see him on a few trips back to Austin over the next months. Hell, he and 3 of his co-workers unloaded my moving truck in about 50 minutes. I will say that there were times he kept me rational. He was just the right dose of boost to my confidence. Oh and he was 6ft 8 inches tall, fireman, decent build but looked like Woody from Toy Story. I never saw him again after he helped me move. I did get the opportunity to tell him that he was a catalyst in my divorce. I don't think he liked it too much. He was totally a player though. He was Mormon, well, I don't know much about Mormonism but I do know that he was excommunicated from the church? And the bastard cheated on his wife and had 4 kids. Good riddance.
In the beginning.....
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void....oh wait, THE beginning of Khaki D....that's right. That's why I'm starting this blog. I won't begin with the day I was born or bore you with childhood memories, today anyway. We'll start now as I embark on my single mom life in Austin, TX...the day to day, the ho-hum, the adventure, the dating woos and woes. That should make for something interesting. At least, that's what my friends tell me. There are many key players in this world I know and might have to supplement this publishing with a dictionary or at least an index.
So, on Nov. 28, 2008, my world crashed in on me and I knew my marriage was over. We spent 12 years together, 8 of those married. My divorce was final May 8th, 2009. I really thought I was going to spend my life with Kevin. We had overcome so much. Hindsight, a year post-divorce, I can see very clear the red flags and all that attributed to the demise of my marriage. And no, Kevin isn't completely at fault. I take full accountability of my actions too. But, Kevin is the one that set that final straw on the camel's back, told the dealer to hit when he was sitting on 19. Yes, the next card wasn't the 2 of diamonds. And here I sit in my apartment blogging about it. I will say, since you can't see me, that I type with a smile on my face. A very pragmatic smile.
We will talk about Kevin more, I'm sure. But now, let's meet some key players in the last year of my life. On December 28, 2008, I went to my mom's for a surprise Christmas visit to be with my brother, sister, mom and grandmother. I took this little 48 hour trip solo. Kevin kept the kids and I drove to Austin. We lived in Dallas. Christmas that year had been about as artificial as they come. Of course, I was about to endure a divoce and 6 months of the worst living arrangments of my life. Pay attention to time lines because I won't define or defend them for you. On this visit, I told my mother that I wanted a divorce. That was actually good news for her to hear. I told her I would let her know what all I needed from her to make it happen but that I was serious..."this time." After a nice Christmas dinner sans kids, my family went to their respective homes in Austin and I crashed out on my mom's couch. I had already disgarded my wedding ring a few weeks prior. I mean, it was in my wallet but there was no need to show the world that I was married. I lay there wide awake not sure what to do. I decided to go to Cool River across the street. Cool River is known as a meat market for the cougars of our time. I don't consider myself a cougar but it was close to where I was camping out and I felt it was safe. I just wanted to go and watch what single adults do when they go "out." I had never experienced "going out" before as I met Kevin when I was just weeks shy of 18 and well, you know that story. We went out together but never Girls Nights Out or anything of the sort. As I'm walking out the door, I set off the alarm to the house. Oops. Here comes Mom. I was 29 years old at the time and not quite sure why I felt the need to explain to my mother where I was going. Anyway, she accosted me at the door, gave me her phone (mine was running on fumes) and told me to have fun. I walk in and see a table in the lounge area of the restaurant/bar. I take my seat. I see televisions (boxing is on) and I order a Colorado Bulldog. Ok, so I'm people watching in my skinny jeans, black leather jacket, tall black boots, hair down, make up barely touched up, drinking my Colorado Bulldog and playing with both of these phones. I thought that might help me not look so desperate. At any rate, I'll let Drew narrate the evening from here.
So, on Nov. 28, 2008, my world crashed in on me and I knew my marriage was over. We spent 12 years together, 8 of those married. My divorce was final May 8th, 2009. I really thought I was going to spend my life with Kevin. We had overcome so much. Hindsight, a year post-divorce, I can see very clear the red flags and all that attributed to the demise of my marriage. And no, Kevin isn't completely at fault. I take full accountability of my actions too. But, Kevin is the one that set that final straw on the camel's back, told the dealer to hit when he was sitting on 19. Yes, the next card wasn't the 2 of diamonds. And here I sit in my apartment blogging about it. I will say, since you can't see me, that I type with a smile on my face. A very pragmatic smile.
We will talk about Kevin more, I'm sure. But now, let's meet some key players in the last year of my life. On December 28, 2008, I went to my mom's for a surprise Christmas visit to be with my brother, sister, mom and grandmother. I took this little 48 hour trip solo. Kevin kept the kids and I drove to Austin. We lived in Dallas. Christmas that year had been about as artificial as they come. Of course, I was about to endure a divoce and 6 months of the worst living arrangments of my life. Pay attention to time lines because I won't define or defend them for you. On this visit, I told my mother that I wanted a divorce. That was actually good news for her to hear. I told her I would let her know what all I needed from her to make it happen but that I was serious..."this time." After a nice Christmas dinner sans kids, my family went to their respective homes in Austin and I crashed out on my mom's couch. I had already disgarded my wedding ring a few weeks prior. I mean, it was in my wallet but there was no need to show the world that I was married. I lay there wide awake not sure what to do. I decided to go to Cool River across the street. Cool River is known as a meat market for the cougars of our time. I don't consider myself a cougar but it was close to where I was camping out and I felt it was safe. I just wanted to go and watch what single adults do when they go "out." I had never experienced "going out" before as I met Kevin when I was just weeks shy of 18 and well, you know that story. We went out together but never Girls Nights Out or anything of the sort. As I'm walking out the door, I set off the alarm to the house. Oops. Here comes Mom. I was 29 years old at the time and not quite sure why I felt the need to explain to my mother where I was going. Anyway, she accosted me at the door, gave me her phone (mine was running on fumes) and told me to have fun. I walk in and see a table in the lounge area of the restaurant/bar. I take my seat. I see televisions (boxing is on) and I order a Colorado Bulldog. Ok, so I'm people watching in my skinny jeans, black leather jacket, tall black boots, hair down, make up barely touched up, drinking my Colorado Bulldog and playing with both of these phones. I thought that might help me not look so desperate. At any rate, I'll let Drew narrate the evening from here.
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