Today I had a conversation with two of my dearest friends at work, Mary and Susan. Mary is in her 40s and was a single mom for about 15 years. Her daughter is grown and she lives with her boyfriend. I tell her I have a date, she often says, "Oh Khaki, I'm so sorry." She gets it and everytime I've come in saying, "You're not going to believe this.." She tells me a parallel story. Susan on the other hand is 53 years old, widowed and is that lovable crazy cat lady. She cracks me up. As soon as I set my stuff down in the mornings, I can't wait to talk to Susan.
The conversation went like this:
Susan A: So, when is your next date?
Mary: You have a date?
Khaki: Did either of you watch the Bachelor last night?
Susan A: She's avoiding.
Mary: No, did you?
Khaki Yes, I watch that crap. It's funny. Its like the Travel Channel meets General Hospital. I love it. Do you know how many places I've added to my bucket list because of that show?
Susan A: Ugh, why?
Mary: OMG, Khaki, we have to get you on that show!!!! You would be so much fun. I would totally watch it if you were on that show.
Khaki: (scrunched up nose face) Riiiigghhhtt, I can see it now...Khaki in her purple miraclesuit with her board shorts and Nike baseball cap doing cannon balls while all the bikini clad bimbos squeal like pigs because I got their hair wet all competing for some entreprenuer that works out 5x a week and looks like Clark Kent. Ummm, no. Thanks though. Or maybe I should be offended you would even say that. I'm hoping to find someone someday but I'm not exactly in a hurry. Wait, is this before or after the network pays for my plastic surgery?
Susan and Mary: (laughing)
Mary: See, you would be great. You have the BEST personality and you are so pretty. I don't think I'd have the problems I did dating if I had had your personality. I don't get it, Khaki.
All too often I'm amidst great company of people that think I'm wonderful. I'm not sure that's exactly it. I mean, I'm a work in progress. I have my flaws. I'm well aware. The reason for alleged greatness is because I'm always aspiring to be more. More giving, more compassionate, more this, more that. I have motivation to succeed and am always learning. Insatiable? No. Salivating for more? Always.
The above intro was actually a blog I wrote many many months ago. I never posted it. I'm not sure why. I just didn't. In posting this new blog I was reading all of my unposted ones. Now, let me ADD to it as it sort of goes with what's on my mind now, almost a year later. Lately though, I've had this "If I'm so great then why can't/don't...."
My match.com update: CANCELLED. I cancelled it after 1700+ views to my profile, over 90 emails, I forget how many winks, and 10 likes to some photos I had on there. I even cancelled with 30 UNREAD emails. Why, you ask? Well, originally it was because I had met someone that caught my attention. This gentleman was just that....a gentleman. He was a bit reserved, divorced, father of 2 boys (same ages as mine +/-), introverted but funny, he seemed to have gotten my humor, very handsome, simple country boy, sweet natured, good hearted guy. We engaged in emails via the match.com site and then we moved to personal email accounts, then texts, phone, to meeting in person. I met him on June 11th for dinner. And without all the details of the cute dates or past few months, I will just say that we have a TON of inside jokes. I was really liking this guy. I considered even labeling it (if he had ever asked, that is). I know, shocker, right? I haven't had a "boyfriend" since March of 2010. I wanted everyone to know about him. I was excited and giddy. I was smiling stupid. I was constantly looking at my phone to see if he had text. When he did, I'd get a pang of butterflies. It was weird. It was nice. It was exciting. And now, its just friggin ridiculous. I'll spare you all the cutsy details of our inside jokes and our first kiss and conversations and dinners....and long walks on the beach. Ok, just kidding, no long walks on the beach. But still, I'll spare you because I'm pissed off. I'm confused, hurt, angry and just mad. I could feel some distance between us last weekend so I asked about it. His response was one that I was not prepared for. He basically said he couldn't handle the distance between us. That it wasn't me, I was great. (insert eye roll) I had it all. He just wants to be near me more and he knows that isn't possible. He can't go further with these feelings only for there to be greater hurt down the road. There are things about me that on paper would generally turn him off abuout women but some things I do or say that normally would bug him, don't. Example: cussing. (oops, my bad, insert work in progress) At any rate, explain to me how you can be on an online dating website or two or however many he was on trying to date and you open your search radius to 300 miles and when you do find someone fanfreakintastic that is smart, funny, pretty, outgoing, successful, an amazing mother, and then some....you say that 227 miles is too much? ESPECIALLY given YOU were the one that opened up the search radius, contacted ME first, and has even done long distance before. REALLY?!?!?!!? Who does that? Anyway, after a long email (too long and yes, Braden was right, I should've never sent the dang thing) and a few conversations on the phone, I feel foolish. I want to go back into my cave and relish in the fact that I am a proud single mother raising 3 young boys to be great men and will do so without love in my life. Love, is an exaggeration. I tend to do that sometimes. Oh look, there was an inside joke that me and Mr. 227 Miles had. Only as I type it, I'm not laughing. This happened last weekend and I've spent the majority of the week just ill. Like in the core of my gut, upset and in knots. I don't know why really. There are plenty of guys that want to date me. Part of me wants to go into nuture mode and teach him that its okay to like a chick. It's okay to have these "new" feelings and to roll with it. Part of me wants to just walk away and never see him again and hope that he wishes he hadn't done this.
I'm just bleh. My anger isn't entirely at Mr. 227 Miles. Its at me. Why was I on match.com again? What was I thinking? Why did I think this time or this guy would be different? Damnit, Khaki. Even at the fabulous birthday party I threw for Kyan this weekend, amidst all that excitement and fun...I would stop and have brief seconds of sadness, remembering my current relational state...or lack thereof. I told my friends of the situation and every single one of them said it was bizarre. That it didn't make sense and to walk away gracefully (my words, not theirs). And I'm really trying to. I get it that they're my friends and of course, would side with me but I really feel that some of them would shoot straight and tell me if it were me. David, Jen, Dana, Diane, Carly, Mandy, Misty, Jeri, Missy...all of them say the same thing. "WTF is wrong with that guy?"
Funny, today Diane took my kids away for a few hours to Jumpstreet. I didn't realize how much I needed a break from them until they were gone and the house was quiet. I wanted to collapse on the couch and nap, honestly. I didn't. I cleaned and did homework but I wanted to. I turned off all TVs and just sat in silence. I made a plate of turkey, crackers, and cheese and sat staring out the back door into the backyard watching the birds and squirrels and prayed. I'm not one to share my relationship with God but here's kind of how it went: "Okay, so you know what's on my heart and in my head. I'm confused and angry and sad. Am I staring at a closed door? Is another open that I'm unaware of? Is it just not my time? Did I do something wrong? Was I too upfront with who I am? Was I not enough of something? Is this a teaching opportunity to show him how to love again? (love being used loosley, mind you) What's the lesson for me here? Guide me on this because I need insight on this one...."
And you know, I'm quite impressed with Braden these days. Most days I think he's an ass but appreciate the laughter. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm more of a best friend to him than he is to me but he has called me every single day and with that genuine care and concern, checks up on me. In fact, just before dinner tonight he called to "check the status of the no call/no text Mr. 227 Miles project" which I am passing with flying colors. Yay me. :-/ 51 hours and it has NOT been easy. Tonight while taking my stats midterm, on the cover of my textbook what do I see? Wind turbines. What's Mr. 227 Miles' job....has to do with wind turbines. Why is he everywhere? We were only talking for a few months. We just kissed a handful of times. Why am I so ill over this? Stupid Khaki.
I'm off to bed....knowing deep down I can control my happiness and that it is a choice and that I am great. I will find someone when I'm supposed to and while it will require work...it'll be a no-brainer. Someone somewhere will think I'm equally great.
Ciao.
