Warrior....dash, life, every day

"Its in these moments we find who we really are" ....Jillian Patrick

Ahhh, today was my day...the day I had looked forward to/dreaded since August (see Fat Camp blog). Today was the Warrior Dash. 3.2 miles, 11 obstacles, mud, fire, water, terrain, hay bales, ropes, walls, tires, sweat, cold, fun, and in my case, sibling rivalry, growth, and perspective.

Woke up this morning running a bit behind schedule. We were supposed to be there an hour before our wave started, which was at 9 am. And funny, the person that chose that early time, bailed on us. One of our team members got sick this week and couldn't come. The other one, never even registered. So, wouldn't you know, the Wakefield sisters are at it again. Have I mentioned how much I love doing anything athletic with my sister? Oh yeah, I don't. She's like some ex-All Star basketball player, ex-Navy, cyclist, gym junkie, P90X, hearts things like Insanity. I even used her computer last night and some Excel spreadsheet was on her screen...not a budget, not a work program, an Insanity schedule. I did my fair share of sports growing up. Volleyball and soccer and yeah, sure, I was good. Starter, A-Team, select player but was considered "the smart child" but in my mind considered myself "the fat sister" (even though I wasn't overweight) in comparison to my siblings. Neen was the athletic one. Quincy, depending on year, was "the creative one" also "the funny one"...Standing in the kitchen, Neen says, "Oh since no one is going to show up today (our team), I'm going to go for best time. You're on your own."

So we're off to a late start, Neen is screaming at "Betty" (her GPS) and we arrive 30 mins before our start time. We grab our registration packets and run back to the car to put up our warrior hats and t-shirts. So, Neen is running ahead of me to open the trunk and I fall. Right in the parking lot, which is actually a cleared field and I tripped over a stick. People are walking into the event, much like you could picture a concert's flock of fans would be. I was so effin embarrassed. What does my sister do/say? Keeps running looking back and saying, "Pick up your feet, Khaki!! Is this how its going to be today?" I get to the car and throw our stuff in the trunk. Yes, I was carrying her shit too. Bitch. I wanted to deck her. Hell, a part of me wanted to just sit in the front seat and pout until she apologized.

Flashback: Church Camp, 1996. I'm carrying 2 gallons of milk to our condo in Panama City Beach, FL. My mom is forcing us to go to this church camp to make friends in our new city, Dallas. I busted on the asphalt and there goes my condo's weekly milk ration. Scraped up my knees and hands and was mortified. Neen, doesn't help me. Laughs. Oh and the things I had to do that week for her. She had broken both wrists and was casted. BOTH effin arms. Who helped her use the bathroom, shower, get trays of food, oh and yeah, rescue her ass when she decided to go wave jumping out to sea? Me.

 I find that people in my lately don't really react the same way to situations like I do/would/hope that I would if in their shoes. But I didn't. I mustered up a laugh and shook it off. FML.

We pin our bibs on and tie our chips to our shoes and back at it again. We've been here 15 minutes and I feel like doing high knees on the way back in out of fear for falling again. Have I mentioned I have a HUGE fear of public humiliation? In the top 3, fears of mine.

We are walking around to the starting line. I'm already seeing some really crazy stuff and I'm loving it. People in teams. True teams. As in, they all dressed in Ninja turtle outfits, superhero outfits, crazy home-grown pieced together creativity. I think its awesome and half wished at that point I was a part of something like that. Standing at the starting line, I look at people. I get kind of quiet. I'm nervous. I want to puke. There are people of all shapes and sizes. All athletic abilities which is why I even signed up for this race. Someone mentioned that there were up to 650 people in each wave. I definitely think there were at least 200 in our's but I'm not sure. I kept hearing teams chant things like, "No man gets left behind." Even saw some shirts w/ that printed. I just felt very out of place. Then my mind starting racing on its own, random thoughts.

Wonder what the boys are doing? I hope Kevin remembers to send back Kyan's backpack back home. What time will I have to leave tomorrow to get them? Wonder if Braden and Darla are having fun back in Amarillo. Wish they were here. No, I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't. How sweet of Jenny to send me that text msg yesterday. I wish she was here. Yes, I do. Is today Drea's birthday or is it tomorrow? Wish someone was here to take pics of us. Wonder if Tim is feeling better? Why hasn't he texted me this morning? When do we start? How many more minutes? This will be my first/last of these. I think we forgot to bring a towel. Am I going to get trampled when we start? Fall again? Man, my knees hurt.

And then, off we go.

I started out pacing myself. People running past me and I didn't care. As the masses passed me and I was keeping up w/ Neen, I was beginning to breathe hard. She proceeds to tell me, "You need to regulate your breathing better." Oh really? Ok. So I do what she says and then just said, "Go ahead. Really." And I slowed down to what I like to call a mall walk pace. There was no one in front of me for about 8 yards and no one behind me about that same distance. Cool, I can think. THEN I began to wonder how far apart the waves were. Was the next one going to start and people from that one pass me? Oh that's effin great. Every so often my sister would stop and cheer me on. But I wasn't sure if it was sarcasm or genuine. We did the cars first. Climbing over junk cars. Then tires. That was fun. I just walked on top of them. Yay, obstacles one and two, done. Then I was just pissed off. Just pissed off that I was even there. Wishing I had cancelled. BUT if I say I'm going to do something, I do it. And I signed up for this, so I'm going to do it. My friends flaked out on spectating. I did tell Tiff and Diane, a few friends that wanted to come, not to. I just wanted to get it over and done with. Our "team" was missing. I was not a happy girl at this point.

I started listening to a team behind me. One guy, three girls. The guy was hilarious. He was totally encouraging them. I liked it. He said, "C'mon ladies, no one gets left behind." I said, "Yeah, that's what my team said and do you see anyone with me?" They actually jogged up a little faster to catch up to me and said, "You're on this team now." We were doing stupid shit like "spirit sprinkles"....well, that's what James called my rendition of  "jazz hands"...we ran, sprinted, walked, jogged, joked, laughed, and splashed through the creek, grunted up the hill, raced up the wall, scooted over the planks (which were so easy, at this point of pep in my step, might've been able to do cartwheels on the planks). Wow, did I just make it up the wall? Why yes, you did, Khaki. One of the obstacles you were stressing over, DONE!

I'm starting to have some fun and am glad that I'm there. Hello, rope bed though. Like a rope wall only no incline and elevated off the ground about 5-6 feet. So I have to climb up this wall and spider crawl on some fierce rope netting. I can see Neen. She's looking back at me, "Ass up, Khaki, like this." Nah, I don't want to do that. My legs are tired. I will just wait until the coast is clear and roll through this bitch. And I did. I log rolled across the 3 sections of this obstacle. So, while I have a fear of public humilation, sometimes I do things that one would think would be embarrassing and don't care. I'm just about to pull myself up to get off the obstacle when this lady, not all that small, is wearing pink Asics and my fingers are under her foot and she's struggling, using all her weight on that one foot, I swear, to get out of the net. I'm laughing and yelling at the same time. Fingers were cold and tingly after that. Nothing major though.

We're at a paced jog and I'm thinking, "How much longer?" James, Sandra, Tracy, and Alexis are still cracking jokes and we're all encouraging one another. James made a comment, "I think your sister is trying to tell us something." I said, "How so?" She's way the hell up there. He said, "Exactly." I laughed in a you-don't-know-the-half-of-it-don't-start kind of way and sped up to finish the race with her. As fast as my random thoughts often pass through my mind, they came again.

You can do this. This isn't THAT hard. Quit making it harder than it is. You've accomplished things in your life alot harder than a freakin, FUN, obstacle course. There's hot mud you're about to dive into up there. Wouldn't it be cool if my friends that told me they weren't coming actually came and surprised me? Tell me I can't and I'll show you I can.

Oh and what's this, random thoughts interrupted, brunette barbie just passed me, wearing a pink sports bra, black spandex shorts, matching running shoes, and sporting rock hard abs, hardly panting, like a gazelle, and it dawns on me...the NEXT wave of people are coming..there's no way in hell she's from my wave of people. They are now passing us/me. Now, my goal was NOT to be first. I mean, that's not a reasonable expectation to have. But it damn sure wasn't to be passed by someone I had a 30 minute start against....and it damn sure isn't to be last of my wave. So, I saw the rope wall and was smiling and really glad because I was 3 obstacles away from the finish line.

As I'm climbing up the rope wall, a photographer is behind the netting. He says, "That's the prettiest smile I've seen all day." I said, "So take a picture!" He said, "Got it." Then he's telling me to be careful and reach left, and I'm like, "I got this!!!"

Neen is at the bottom cheering me on. At this point, I think she's genuine. We jumped over the cheesy make-shift fire pit, then dove into the mud where we crawled on our hands and knees. These last 3 obstacles were so close to the finish line that spectators are watching us at this point. I just don't even want to make ey contact w/ any of them. Get me out of here and amidst the mud-covered masses w/ a medal around my neck so I can go home.

We finish. A lady puts a medal on my neck. I look back at the race and see quite a few people approaching the finish line and was comforted, proud, relieved, happy.....I wasn't last. I finished. And it ended up being fun.

Then me and Neen get to the car and forgot to bring a towel. Covered in mud. Now, I have this huge reservation about my body. And so this is funny. Neen is wanting to look for the showers. I'm like, "Just open your car doors, change between them." And she says, "You, YOU are going to just change out here?" I take off my shirt right in the parking lot, and yes, changed right there. I piled up all my muddy clothes, put on dry ones and was done. Proud. Accomplished. Finished.

I know it was just a silly race to most people. But to me, it was more than that. It was overcoming many things. And I gained perspective on so much while I was out there. Mission Accomplished.

Fun Fact: There was a guy who finished the entire race in 18 minutes. Wow. I tried to check the stats to see who had the best time and where exactly I "placed" but it wasn't posted at the time of this blog.

Wishing for someday

Me to my brother via text: Yeah, well somedays I feel like I'm going to just break. Perhaps, today.
Him back to me via text: Someday we will look back and laugh.

With that said, here's to wishing it were someday.....here's my cup of broken emptiness barely held up, tears filling up my eyes so much that I can hardly see the computer screen to type this, in one blink, tears will stream down my cheeks and fall on my lap....my lap, where my gray Banana Republic dress pants have icing stains from a kid who decided he didn't want the purple cupcake today at the Halloween party, the chili cheese blob that dripped out of the burrito while we grabbed dinner en route on the way to church, and the saggy backside from sitting at my desk all day long......heart pounding, head throbbing, big fucking cheers to someday.

I've learned in the course of the last year that I tend to push people away when I get like this. Not that it happens often, but I do. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders most days and God forbid I show signs of weary or even a fucking breaking point because that, is failure. And so many women in my shoes bitch and moan about how hard life is and I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to prove that I can do this and do it well. Fail. Epic fail. It's fucking hard and I hate my life right now. And those tears mentioned only a paragraph before are now sobs. That stream of tears is now 3 streams of tears. My face is flooding. "They" say sometimes a good cry does the mind, body, and soul good but I fight it. I used to be such an emotionally raw person. And aside from remembering the exact date, I can almost tell you exactly the moment I became cold. Kevin and I were fighting once and the fight was because I was feeling neglected as a wife. Nothing sexual. Just attention. So, I was telling him how sad I felt and I remember him saying to me this, "And quit w/ the fucking tears, Khaki, they don't work with me. Your tears mean jack shit." And I can play the echo in my head...."my tears mean jack shit.....my tears mean jack shit...."

So, every fight after that became anger driven instead of expressing sadness, I expressed anger. And he shuts down at anger. Here I sit, feeling broken.....and wouldn't ya know, 10 years on this day I was dressed beautifully in my wedding gown vowing to Kevin til death do us part that I would honor, cherish, blah fucking blah......and today, I sit here divorced.

I'm not sad that I'm divorced. Because being married to Kevin was toxic. Let's face it, if I were feeling sad today, while married, my tears would mean jack shit, right? But I have this emptiness inside and my mind wishes for someone that my tears would matter to.....or does it really? I'm not sure that's it either. I don't cry often. I've only cried a handful of times since my divorce but lately, I feel like I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Like I can't get a grip on anything. Plans constantly falling through, kids acting insane, just life has all of a sudden become unmanageable for me. I don't know where to start so that I can regroup. I give so much of myself to everyone else and when I take time for me, I feel guilty.

Today we had this 4 hour team building meeting. We were given a homework assignment on Monday that we had to list 3 qualities about each person on our team and share them at the meeting. So, there are 7 people on my team. We have 17 accountants but only 7 report to my direct boss. So, out of everyone on the team, I'm the one that everyone said was, "Cheerful, Happy, Funny, Witty, Awesome sense of humor, Always so positive, Motivating, Awe-inspiring, Admirable, Caring, Compassionate, Creative, Makes me laugh daily, Breath of fresh air, No matter how much she has on her plate or how overworked she is always smiling."  Seriously, have we met? I've worked there a year now. Good game, Khaki. (eyeroll) I hear that alot....about my smile and about my sense of humor. Well, at least I can make other people laugh.

I just wish I knew my purpose. I find it really hard to believe that I was put on this fucking earth to sit in an office and crunch numbers all day. I remember Jodi, SOX Compliance Director at Fogo, asking me to footnote some financials once. I figured it out, thanks to Google. And dropped the files back to her office and she said, "No, send them to Pricewaterhouse to this address." Ummm, wow, she didn't even want to look at them. Send them straight to the auditors, huh? Then a few weeks later, she got the audit report back and there were no corrections to be done. She tells me, "you're such a natural at this, Khaki. I've never seen anything like it." Ok, Jodi, who has a double CPA, one from South Africa which is the hardest one to get, and one from the U.S. that everyone I know w/ a CPA has failed at least once before obtaining those three glorious letters after their name called me, Khaki, the girl who bullshits her way through most things, "a natural" when it comes to accounting. HA! Do people even know this girl? The one I see in the mirror everyday? I mean, really.

Behind all this bullshit is someone that wants more in life. I'm not right. Something about me just isn't right lately and I can't figure it out.

Another funny, a boy (I call them that because I can and feel like it) asked me to be his girlfriend this week. He's pretty enamored with me. I keep telling him, "Hi, I'm Khaki, have we met? I have 3 kids." He doesn't have children, is 28, a'ight looking, nice guy, funny, very smart, witty, and charming.....so why aren't I interested in him? I don't know. I tell my friends about him and they say, "Wow, go for it." He lives in Houston, which if you think about it, could be a great set-up. He wouldn't be up my ass every day. I only have every other weekend free to date anyway, right? Houston could be fun. Give me something to look forward to? No, bullshit. It's not that I find something wrong w/ everyone I meet. I think its that I'm not interested in dating, period. I'm not. At all. I used to be so eager when my phone would light up or go off or blink and now, I don't care.

Me and my friend Carly were talking about being that "someday girl" to someone. You know, the girl that is just perfect....someday. So, that guy, Tim, that asked me to be his girlfriend said to me, "I'm not looking for someday girl. I want to snatch you up before someone else does. I want you as my right now girlfriend."

Someday girl desires to laugh right now.

In fact, Saturday night, I'm going by myself to Cap City Comedy Club to see Gary Guhlman. Because I want to laugh. So badly, I desire to laugh. I'm hoping for gut wrenching hurt so fucking hard laughter....like I had at the Haunted House a few weeks ago w/ Jillian.

Anyway, the tears are gone and its time for a shower. Here's to somefuckingday....when someday girl can someday look back at today and laugh.........someday.

How To Be Alone

I hate carrots, not those carrots, the dangling kind....

So, I expressed my gratitude last week for all things wonderful despite my unfortunate situation and today, it's killing me. I'm so pissed off.



I finally did the math on my situation. As an accountant, I try to avoid it when I can but today I got curious. I shouldn't have done that. Just over $2000 in personal effects/losses were taken from me. Most of you know I'm a very independent person. You know, that smile you see when you look at me that says, "Hey, I'm a cute single mother of 3 boys with my shit together....." Uh huh, that one? Well its gone today and I am furious. I've got a look on my face that says "Stay the @#$%^&* away from me."


Since September 26th, I've had more shards of glass in my fingers/ hands than I ever thought possible from a broken window (even after an hour of vacuuming). I've talked to more people in India than I ever cared to. I've met the Assistant Vice President of Chase Bank. I've had to issue a fraud alert on my ss#, fill out a stack of forms, research on the internet, etc, etc, etc. Today, I received the final credit card replacement.


So, today I also watched the lovely folks out at Zilker Park setting up for ACL Music Festival from my work window. Inside my purse were 2 tickets to ACL. This was my treat to myself. I actually have talked for months about what I was going to do with my wedding ring. After a year and a half of wondering what to do with it, I decided to sell it. I didn't even really care all that much if I got what it was worth. I needed to get rid of it for my own emotional closure to the divorce. I offered to give it back to my ex-husband. He asked me to keep it. Every time I saw it, I thought about all the memories and let's not forget about the vows that went with it. It needed to be gone. Part of me was hopeful it would be enough money to take a quick trip by myself over the Christmas holiday. A trip to anywhere but here since this will be the first Christmas (of many) that my boys will be gone. It wasn't but it was enough to pay my babysitter to camp out at the student sale and get me tickets to an awesome music concert for a weekend. I've checked craigslist in Dallas/Austin all day and I just can't spend the $200+ they want for another ticket. Counting what I already spent, that would be crazy. It's not like John Mayer is going. That would be ignorant. My boss has sent me every single internet/radio contest out there to win tickets.

I got 2 tickets and was going to give one of my BGF's first dibs because 1) he's never been and mentioned it several months ago. His bday is coming up and it was going to be a Happy Bday. 2) I wanted someone to go with 3) Even if he couldn't go, one of my newest girlfriends wanted to go, we seem to hit it off and have fun together. 4) I knew I could get rid of it.

So, it has got me wondering: Why do bad things happen to good people? Who does this sort of thing? WTH were they thinking? Why? Why me? They have used enough of my debit/credit cards to get enough gas to get them from here to NYC. I wonder if my tickets are in the garbage somewhere with my purse. I wonder if they'll use that gas and drive to Austin to go to the concert and have the time of their lives. I wonder if they'll ever regret it. I wonder, at what point, does conscience set in?


As I ventured to the breakroom to gab w/ coworkers, grab my daily Diet DP, and eat lunch, I looked out at the magnificent border of blue port-a-potties circumferencing Zilker Park, the white shiny peaks of the tents, and the green green grass. As I walked out to my car and felt the cool breeze, I imagined how sweet its going to be for the many thousands of people to be sitting outside all weekend jamming out to some great music and eating some of Austin's finest foods. What will I be doing on my begged-Kevin-to-switch-with-me-had-the-kids-for-two-weekends-in-a-row-and-all-I-hear-are-screams-kid-free-weekend? I don't know yet. I thought about going to a haunted house somewhere. I'm all about doing things by myself. I actually like it. But a haunted house? Yeah, perhaps not. I thought about visiting my friends in Dallas (Lavon) but only one of them has come to visit me so I think I should go on strike. Maybe I'll catch up on that Season 2 & 3 of True Blood, or all my other shows on DVR, or maybe I'll go to Town Lake and rent a Kayak.....probably not, I bet you could hear the music from there. Or maybe I'll just work.


Ok, I feel better for the pity party. It's done now. :-) It just sucks and I hope that someday, they get a dose of what goes around comes around (which also has me wondering, wth did I do? when? and to whom?)


And fyi, don't leave your purse in your car....even if you drive a minivan, even if you're only going in for a second, even if you're in Amarillo, even if you think it's well hidden.......and if you do, leave your car unlocked so you don't have to pay for a broken window.

Lol.

P.S. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a chain wallet. Tell the Mrs. to hold off on the Snuggie for my birthday.

Amazed and Dazed

So, after this weekend w/ Braden, I've been in a funk. I had an amazing weekend, actually. I just don't know what I want from our relationship. And not sure I have a choice really. One minute I think I have finally found my guy best friend. Then I think I like him...LIKE him, like him. On the fence. And as soon as I think I would date him, I remember my sister saying that when you know, you'll know early. Really? I can't say I knew that w/ Kevin. I know we're just talking about dating but I don't get a giddy butterfly feeling around Braden. I get a very comfortable feeling. I can't explain it really.

Boys are stupid, we should throw rocks at all of them. Even Brian, my buddy at work who saves my ass and points out the obvious w/o making me feel like an idiot.....who also makes me laugh my ass off. :-) Like I told him today, he's like the big brother I never wanted. Boys are stupid, all of them.

My happy hour date w/ Ryan was a bomb, btw. I mean, he's nice, he inquired about me, we laughed, he's very attractive, but there just wasn't something there....I think he's too young. Perhaps a bit immature for me. Oh, I did laugh so hard it hurt when he made fun of a retarded kid though. I know, very bad, Khaki. For shame.

So, I can't figure Braden out at all. I'm tired of trying actually. I'm also tired of thinking about it/him. So, why can't I stop? Ugh, if I were friends w/ me, I'd punch me.

I had a very long post in my head all ready to write but am far too tired from all this running to type it up but perhaps I will this weekend.

Fat Camp

Ok, so long story long, l have a very special person that I'd say I loved more than most anyone...for the sake of anonymity, let's just call her Patty....dear sweet Patty has been begging me to play golf for about 2-3 years now. Sometimes this begging comes in the form of bragging. I'm not sure if she is trying to brag in hopes that my very competitive streak will bite the bait or what. She has graciously provided everything I need to take up said sport. Golf bag, brand new Nike golf shoes, clubs, even cute lil golfing outfits....but gee, I have so much free time on my hands that this isn't really possible. BUT did agree that I would play with her more and more as the kids were gone. We'd start hitting up the driving ranges, etc....because I'm no where NEAR golf course ready. Today, sweet Patty, almost cancelled lunch on me because she "wanted to be lazy".....so when I got the text message at 4:59pm that said, "not golfing, too hot" I was a bit skeptical given PATTY used to love Bikram yoga and yardwork and all kinds of things hot and sweaty....what's a bucket o' balls on a driving range at sunset....almost sounds like a sweet vision of mother/daughter time...oh, except my mother's name isn't Patty...it's PATricia. :-) Poor Patty had no idea I spent 2 hours of my afternoon trying to remember where I put those cute golf clothes or that I spent some time (can't believe I am going to admit this) googling which golf club you use at a driving range....and no, you don't just use your driver, duh (eye roll w/ a smile).




And most of you know that I recently took my first spin class, right? Yeah, I hated it. It sucked. If my precious little sister thinks that riding a stationary bike going nowhere fast for an hour in a room full of triatheletes, while listening to some crappy music and walking bowl legged for 3 days is fun and watching me do this motivates her, I'll do it. I'll take one for the team. I love her. I do.



Now, let's meet JY, for the sake of anonymity, of course. JY is a new friend of mine. Actually, a friend of my sister's I met a few weeks ago. You ever met someone that has on no makeup and is absolutely beautiful and when they say something about looking like crap or not having any make-up on, you want to just punch them in the face? That's JY. She is smart, successful, gorgeous, fit, no kids, unmarried, etc. She's my skinny bitch friend. :-) We're going to hunt us down some gay male friends and force them to be our BFFs. At any rate, I've agreed to do this Warrior Dash (google it) with JY, JY's friend whom I have yet to meet but am meeting on Sunday, and my sister who is an endurance machine. JY posted lovely pics of her on a boat this weekend, wake boarding, in a bikini.....made me sick a lil bit actually.



You see, I really don't give a shit that the scale says I weigh 152lbs. I don't care that some obesity chart says I should weigh 129-132lbs. I really don't. I do care that my divorce diet is no longer working. This has to be a great sign for my mental/emotional health but not so much my eating. I did not get up to 324lbs by hating food, I will admit. Yes, I used to weigh 324lbs, about 7 yrs ago. I lost 172lbs of that in a year's time. Yes, I had my guts re-routed but also became a gym whore. I spent countless hours in the gym with an amazing workout buddy and a personal trainer. THEN, I had my first son....THEN 20 months after him, I had my twins. I'm well aware of what I need to do to get my body back in shape. It's sad that it took a divorce and my sister having a baby to really get motivated to do it though. Lol.



I remember when I first started working out and Eric (Michael J. Fox lookalike personal trainer) would put the treadmill on 15 minutes and I would just die. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life. Everyday I would bribe myself w/ something like 10 minutes in the hottub if you finish your 15 minutes. Of course, I got to where I would do over an hour on the treadmill, weight circuits, etc, and it was nothing. I very vividly remember laughing at myself and having a conversation w/ my workout buddy reminiscing when 15 mins of WALKING on the treadmill would kill us. I came a long way in a year.



I love sports. I've played sports and been an athlete all my life. Really, soccer, volleyball, whatever. My favorite sport is racquetball. Something about chasing that damn bouncy ball all over that court, hitting it as hard as you can when you do finally make contact with it.....LOVE IT...I suck and I don't know the rules but I can wear the outfit and pull it off. I even have a fancy racquet that would lead one to believe I know what the hell I'm doing. What does it matter, I get red-faced, sweaty, and crave water aferward so it's doing something, right? :-D (yes, I'm kidding)



So, agreeing to train w/ some marathoners and compete in some obstacle course thingy made me go for a nice run today. I'm the type of person that does what I say I'm going to do. If I say I'm going to train w/ you, I will. Yeah, my body hates my brain sometimes. I realized while I was on my lil journey that you don't need a fancy gym membership or a sleepless night of watching the P90X infomercial to get off your ass and do something. You need this:



1) Motivation: a SB for a friend that posts pictures of herself in a bikini to remind you you won't look like that ever but try to come close, an email conversation w/ an ex husband that went awry, some sibling rivalry, a bad day at work, an old photo of yourself at 324lbs, a recent photo caught at a bad angle (to which your friend that posted it hasn't responded to your request to delete yet), the simple desire to be healthy and fit, whatever the case may be.



2) Spandex - wear something skin tight, something with a little pinch to it just to serve as a reminder, little love tug, that if you run a little harder or push yourself a little longer, these pants might just fall off in a few months...I opted for black yoga pants and a black tank top. Make sure you go when the sun is out so that you can see your shadow cast on the pavement running right next to you and all those "curves?" that are exploding out of your skin tight attire, are soon to fall off if you can run a little harder.



3) Parking lot - I can't run on terrain just yet. I have to stick to flat surfaces (says my PT for my hip) so I opted for a huge parking lot of an arena (high school football arena but we are in TX so trust me, it's huge). Make sure, if you can, that this parking lot is next to some apartments. That way you get so freakin paranoid that someone worth something is watching you. (yes, we are all worth something, I meant someone like oh, I dunno, Brad Cooper --I think that was the cute guy in that movie I watched this weekend).



4) Music - This music does not have to be fast or upbeat. Put the Ipod on shuffle and just keep moving. I prefer to run to Eminem, honestly but today I just let it shuffle. Shakira came on and I did a little dance move while I ran (only when out of view of the apts along the hedge line)...and it helped that her album cover is hot...as in sexy and yeah, what I'd give to have that body...I think at that point, I may have done my stint at sprinting...til it was over. John Mayer came on and well, he's my next ex-husband so of course I ran to his song, little slower, probably more like a Zone 2 AT (neen, laugh), Rod Stewart came on and I did a lunge walk....and had a visual of those mall walkers in Amarillo at Western Plaza, oh wait, Brad Cooper could be watching from that window, Khaki, you better run...c'mon look lik you do this all the time. Run the straights, walk the turns...shit, or did we always walk the straights, run the turns? :-D Use whatever song, sad, mad, happy, to keep you moving. I actually danced a little in my "run"....and for the record, and an hour and 11 minutes later, I stopped. Thank God one of my best friends left a bottle of water in the car. I don't care if it was a little warm.

Sankofa and peacocks

Sankofa is actually a West African symbol that means learning from the past. This is also the symbol of my first tattoo coupled w/ a peacock feather. Peacock feathers represent pride, and by extension, nobility and glory. Peacocks are also known to eat poisonous plants with no ill effects, making their feathers a symbol of incorruptibility and immortality. The feathers are also rumored to come back stronger and prettier than before. My mom used to bring home peacock feathers from her work when we were kids. I thought they were pretty but never understood her infatuation with them. I've pretty much got it in my mind how I want the tattoo done. Now, I just need to talk to Charley and see if he comes up w/ a better design than the two I have. One of my bff's has a sankofa on her foot. It's going to be pretty and have a lot of meaning. Then I'll call up Braden, and we can arrange a time to go get it done. 

Anyway, here's speaking of learning from the past...

Imagine that you are at a grocery store. You have a loaf of bread, bag of sugar, and a gallon of milk. Upon checkout the cashier tells you that your total is $312. You would be puzzled, right? Very much so. Well then he/she proceeds to tell you that you are paying for the prior person's groceries because they were unable. Doesn't make sense does it? Why do we/people in relationships make the next person pay for the prior person's short comings, mistrusts, inabilities, etc.?  Simple to say, you shouldn't. So, as I go on the dates I've now sworn not to go on anymore....I realized I was holding back, not that any of them were of quality or had any spark anyway. I just assume that a guy that wants to go out with me is automatically going to be a moron like some of the crazy dates prior or worse, I'll fall head over heels in love and they'll hurt me/cheat on me like Kevin did. I should probably work on that. Right now, I just want as many friends as I can get. I'm really not bitter or lonely or sad. I'm in a happy place actually. I'm very.....content.

I'm going to be kid-free all of next week. It's the last big hoorah before school starts.  What will a girl do? Oh yeah, that's right. She'll work.

Me and You

It's Sunday and the boys are napping. I just made the best French fries ever. I actually fried them which I know is not healthy. I put garlic salt on them right when they were hot, it was just like they do at a restaurant called North by Northwest here in Austin. Yum!

Church was great this morning. It was about freedom but not necessarily politically related freedom. More spiritual. I sat in the second row with my new friend Diane. There was a musician named Trent Monk that played acoustic guitar, which I'm a sucker for in just about any situation. After church, Diane sent me a text that the song Me and You was awesome and made her cry. So, I downloaded it from iTunes. Yes, very moving. The lyrics:

A broken heart and lonely eyes
Are getting easier to disguise
And I won't soon forget all that we've been through
As I come to the end of me and you
As you go your way and I go mine
Brand new lives for each of us to find
I wish you the best in all you do
As I come to the end of me and you
And I'm moving on
I will be strong
My heart will heal in time
I faced my fears
I fought them all
Now it's time to go because there's so much more
Waiting patiently on me
Days move on and smiles we turn
As I chalk it all up to lessons learned
I lift my head up up toward the sky
I may never know all of the reasons why
But I'm still going to put my heart in all I do
As I come to the end of me and you.....

Man of My Dreams

Here I sit singing at the top of my lungs in my little office inside my apartment, spotless, laundry done, and a freshly baked chocolate cake....all to myself. I have had an interesting reflective weekend. Much needed to say the least. Braden didn't come. He said his grandmother had a stroke so he drove to Amarillo. It worked out better actually. I had a great weekend tagging along w/ my sister and brother in law to random places. They're so funny. They point out any guy that would appear to be single. Then they try to coach me on approaching him. And witnessing their coupledom in and of itself is humorous. I hope they stay together forever. They seem to complement each other well. I guess people thought of me and Kevin like that at one time though. Anyway, I've realized some things about dating this weekend given I had a dateless weekend.

First, I have to mention that TN and Joe allowed me to tag along w/ them on Saturday. We went to San Marcos where Joe's childhood buddy, Ryan,  was having a birthday party for his son, Gavin. Gavin was turning 6. Gavin has cerebral palsy and could NOT be cuter. I met Ryan a year ago at my sister's wedding. He was one of the groomsmen. I remember at the rehearsal dinner, I was a bit of a wreck, with my boys at a fancier restaurant, party of like 30 so there was a lot of waiting, and it was late, I was amidst divorce so it was one of my first outings solo. Ryan walked over, reached into his pocket, handed Kasyn a package of crayons. I couldn't have been more relieved. I thanked him. At any rate, Ryan is a very charming, good looking, single dad of two boys. Gavin is now 6 and Austen is 10. We went to the party at a bowling alley. Just watching him interact w/ his kids was heart warming. The mom has nothing to do w/ her children. To me, I don't get it. It blows my mind how someone could NOT have anything to do with their children and these boys are SO sweet. I helped Austen get better fitting shoes. He was so polite. Gavin was a bit shy. He walks w/ braces on his legs and crutches on both arms, at 6. I must admit, I wanted to baul like a baby watching Ryan bowl w/ his boys. Too many emotions, the fact that my children couldn't be more healthy....how undeserving I feel sometimes, the single dad factor, the fact that it woudn't have mattered if they were at Main Event or this podunk Sunset Bowl, bowling alley..they were having an awesome time. I talked to his mom and other guests of the party. I love people. I love learning about people. And yeah, I'll be honest, Ryan is easy on the eyes so I was nervous. That coupled with the fact that TN and Joe brought me there on purpose made me feel a bit on display. There was a point where I talked to Ryan and TN says we were both nervous acting. Anyway, he just seemed like a good ol' country boy having a good time w/ his boys. Very endearing.

Now, on to the subject of the blog, when my divorce was final, I think I said yes to every man who asked me to dinner, just to regain some weird sense of value, and again recently over the last several weeks. But that method has lost its appeal, and I've decided I'd rather go to the gym, lay out by the pool, rent a movie, sing to myself, hope and wish great things about my future. You know how you sit and ponder what you would do if you won the lottery? That's what I do about my future mate. I wonder what he'll look like, what we'll do, where we'll go, when I'll meet him. It's better that sitting across from a stranger meal after meal, drink after drink, coffee after coffee. I've had some dinners and conversations with some really great guys. I've also had some very weird conversations that have led me to believe that I've lost time I can never regain. Thank goodness there are lessons to be learned or it really would be a lost cause.

I'm convinced that it's going to take a very good, generous, healthy, strong man to wrap his arms around my life and my children. And that, my dears, is worth waiting for. I've come to know a few things for sure: One, this is the best life I have ever known. Even struggling with finding content in my career, struggling financially, dating woes, and lack of having the ultimate best friend, it's still the best life I've ever known. I'm in a good place and I'm not desperate. I'm very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart. I have plenty to keep me busy. Kids to raise. A home to make beautiful. A heart that wants to enjoy every single day and pay attention to the blessings around me. There are people to serve and a great big world to see. I'm not waiting to live while I wait on someone's love. I'm becoming more and more OK with this no-amazing-man-relationship place that I'm in. I actually think it's working to the advantage of me and the boys.

Not to mislead anyone, but I love to be held, desire to be desired, would love to be cared for, have adult conversation at the end of the day. I also get tired of being strong, and it sucks to make major life decisions alone, moreover, make EVERY decision alone. So, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation. I'm just in no hurry.

My dating lessons have come in a clumsy effort to find balance. Maybe I'll be a single mom with a date every once in a while, or maybe I won't. But the bar is set high now. I'm holding out for a special man. I work with a bunch of people married and/or in relationships and honestly, most days, provide them entertainment. The guys get a kick out of my stories, mostly because I'm a weird-man magnet. Braden says I'm too picky. Some of my other friends would agree. Here's the thing. Define picky. What about those women who aren't picky? EEK! Picky doesn't resolve that I'm snooty or aspire the unattainable. And if asking the guys that think I'm picky, if I were their sister, would they want me to be picky? The answer is yes. They wouldn't want me settling for any old man out of convenience.

I think it's mandatory to expect more. I have several lives to consider here. If I'm going to bring another man into the lives of my children, not to mention all of our hearts, he damn well better be worth it. One thing I can't get my brother to understand is that I know I have my whole life in front of me. The anticipation is thrilling. Meanwhile, I'm having a nice time going to dinner every once in a while. I'm trying to consciously use this time to examine my desires, balancing both the realistic and the dreamy. Observing what goes on around me. Watching how other women have chosen and how that turns out for them. Deciding what I like in a man and what I could learn to like. What matters most. I am more resolved than ever to keep the bar of my expectations securely bolted on the higher pegs. And if I never reach that bar, so be it, I will be single. So what?

The raised bar looks like this: He's already prepackaged, before-he-gets-to-me happy. I'm not saying he can't ever be sad or disappointed or grumpy. And I don't mean artificial happy (JR). I mean someone who is making peace with his childhood disappointments or the rejection he has known or the failures he's endured, not moping, day after day. I want a man who is already full of enthusiasm without me. Someone stepping up and looking out at a bigger life to be lived. For lack of a better word, mostly happy. You see, I want to add to someone's happiness. I want to multiply happy. Share happy. I don't want to MAKE someone happy.

I learned a long time ago that people are happy because they choose to be happy. People are content and pleasant because they've done the hard work to become consistent in countenance and purpose. And a guy that "has potential" is not for me either. He needs to already be there. Already pursuing his calling, operating in many of his strengths, full of decision and passion and having his own adventure. I'd prefer someone who is already living his amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman. We all have unrealized potential that waiting to explode amid the right circumstances, perhaps even the right relationship, but in my 30s with children in tow, would prefer someone who has already realized his potential for the most part.

There's no way to downplay or hide the obvious. I am 4 people. We 4 are a lot. We are loud, silly, busy, eat a lot, get more clothes dirty than should be allowed, laugh until we're annoying, and even cry. Sometimes we fight, throw things, and get down right mean and ugly. There's always something when you are 4 people. Always. Always something to do or someone to love or something to endure together. And even when I'm alone, like this weekend....I'm still 4 people. I think for 4, believe for 4, and fight for the hearts of 4. It can't be changed or undone. That's why my standards are high. There's so much little stuff when you're 4 people. Stingy men need not apply. The self-centered will be disappointed. If you ever needed to be sure that it's not all about you, step into my world and watch life happen for a few. Every day I am more and more convinced; it's not about me. Imperfections tend to be magnified when you are 4 people. Big ol' me and 3 little ol' kind-of-like-me's. All of which are a work in progress, non having arrived to our final destination yet. We're going to need someone with a ridiculous kind of love. Rockstar love, actually.

So, to my brother, who wonders why I'm in such a hurry dating. I'm not. I can't scream it any louder. I'm learning and waiting and figuring out what I want and what my standards are. Having not dated post divorce, I would not know or have concluded any of these things. I can confess that I would like to share life with someone at some point. I would. If he comes, he'll be everything I want and more. If he never comes, there wasn't one good enough for me and 3 and I'm cool with that. Just know that my bar is high and it should be.

I took a spin class today. I knew it was going to be hard. I was very nervous about it. My sister always has been this physical monster. Endurance like no other, pushes herself beyond her human capacity10 fold, and it has always been an admirable characteristic of her's. Today, there we sit side by side on these bikes. Wowzie. For an entire hour, I peddled and peddled and sweat and sweat. And all the while any exertion I had was actually doubled in Tennessee. She's a freakin machine. No bullshit. Then we did some weights and went and ate turkey sandwiches. I came home and listened to church on the internet since I missed it going to the gym, uploaded some playlists on my iPod, went to the pool, laid out and read, people watched, went to the evening service at church, went to another single mom's house and had dinner, came home, made a chocolate cake, and blogged.

Throughout all this reflectiveness, I've cried. I've missed my old life but am so hopeful that a new, better life is waiting for me, an amazing life. And sure, I've missed Kevin but today he really pissed me off. And sometimes that really helps me not miss him. He was throwing a birthday party for Kyan. Did he even mention it to me? Nope. Did I get invited? Not no, but hell no. In fact, when I told him today via text that he could've invited me, not that I would've come but that I invited him to the twins bday and will always try to include him in anything I have planned for them, he said to me, "Why would you expect that I would invite you?" Gee, moron, I don't know, maybe because those boys are mine whether you like it or not. Maybe because any issues you may have with me are between me and you (or perhaps even just you and you) and not them. Any of them. They didn't ask for this. You did though. Oh yes, you did. So you can't invite me to a birthday party. But yet, we had to invite Caitlin to all of Britt's parties? What's so different? Interesting.

Back to dreaming of my amazing life.......thank God for music, not sure I'd be sane w/o it.

Never Waste a Good Crisis

It seems to never stop in your life; mine, too. It often feels like crisis is just around the corner. One wrong step and *BAM*...your life is in a tailspin ...again. When I was younger I used to think that I would outgrow crisis. I would get to a place in life where I could outsmart it and life would just get easier. I would say to myself, "When I finish college I won't have to deal with this kind of stress anymore". Then later I'd say, "Once my career is under way I'll shake these money problems," or "When I get married, I'll no longer have relationship problems." Yeah… right! The truth is crisis is just a part of life.You will always have problems to face. Relationships will have conflict. Money and jobs come with stress. You will experience loss. You will have to deal with tragedy at some point. Sooner or later you’re going to fail at something. When crisis shows up, you can let it break you down or you can use the situation to grow and learn...and become a better person for it.

I think crisis can fall on a spectrum. There's the mini-crisis which is in the heat of the moment but you overcome it in a few minutes or hours. Example, losing your debit card and pulling up to the window in a drive-thru and that is your only means to pay except that just when you think you might have to explain to the barista, you discover that debit card has fallen in your lap or something. Then there's the mega-crisis, big things like no light in sight at the end of that tunnel....some financial woes, loss of a job, divorce, death, etc. And then there's those things in between.

So, my break-up with Jefferson was on a spectrum of crisis but little did I realize in that moment of sadness, okay, days of sadness, that I would recover 10 fold. He was not that devastating but the WAY it was handled was a bit of a blow. Not worth analyzing. I will say that I am relationally miles ahead of where I was months ago. I just think I'm getting it. Slowly but surely, I'm getting it. The people in my life today that weren't here even 6 months ago, are such a welcome to my life. I can't explain it and each for very different reasons. They wouldn't be here if I were still w/ Jefferson. I'm getting out and about and taking risks and becoming more and more an extrovert. I guess I've always been one but moreso lately. I'm learning so much about myself.

With all that said, I wonder why people are important to some people and others are content being loners. At work I took a test. Myers-Briggs to be exact. My score was summarized as "Social Realist" which I believe to be very true. You'd have to read the score to understand the results.  www.41q.com/type.41q?p=13677515&n=Khaki  Social Realist: Warm-hearted, popular and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function Careers that woudl fit Khaki: Home economics, nursing, teaching, administrators, child care, family practice physician, clergy, office managers, counselors, social workers, bookkeeping, accounting, secretaries, organization leaders, dental assistants, homemakers, radiological technologists, receptionists, religious educators, speech pathologists


Braden is coming to town this weekend. I think we'll have a good time. I'm looking forward to it. No dates, no stress, just some good ol' fun. It's new but familiar all at the same time. He even said he'd get a pedicure with me. Wow. I swear, if he was gay, he'd be the perfect best friend ever. We're gonna have fun.

I'm hating my job more than ever. The hours they want me to put in are ridiculous. I can't keep up with the demands. I do a good job though and one of the controllers said, "Who doesn't like Khaki?" I said, "No kidding, right?" He said, "You definitely have a likeability factor." We were speaking in comparison to someone that also did a good job at what she does but she is less than favorable with the other accountants.

My hip constantly aches but I can't afford to go to physical therapy 2-3 times a week. I do what she showed me at home but after this weekend, it's killing me. I wish at this point, they'd cut me open and just fix it. :-(

Off to bed, exhausted.

Brink of Break

Hmmm, where to begin.....

I started Chantix today. It's not that I don't think I can't quit smoking on my own. I just wanted something to work really fast. I want more out of life than sitting out on the patio chain smoking looking at a brick wall in the evenings. So, I've told everyone close to me that I've started it. In fact, just took my first dose. And I've been preached to about the side effects but think I'll be okay. I wonder how the absorption of such meds is going to affect me having had gastric bypass. We shall see. I talked to my friend Matt who just used it to quit and he said I would notice really quickly....like in a week. That's how it was w/ Kevin when he did it too awhile back. We'll see. Perhaps this time next week, I'll be a non-smoker. I'm kind of a closet smoker as it is anyway.

So, I've been reading on this whole Femoral Acetabular Impingement diagnosis of my hip and the idea of surgery. I'm torn. While I've had this pain for the better part of 6 years, part of me thinks living with the pain might be better. Here lately though, I can't sleep or walk or sit or anything w/o this dull constant ache in my hip. If I sit long enough, it burns. The clicking is out of control. We'll know Monday for sure what the doctor wants to do. Arthroscopy, open hip surgery, or hip replacement. Meanwhile, today, I noticed my other hip has a lovely grind to it too. Not sure if that's because I've been using it to overcompensate for the weaker right hip or what. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if because I'm so freakin busy and going all the time if this is God's way of telling me to be still. Oh I'll be still alright....3 days in the hospital, 2 weeks off work (yay!), and then 6 months of rehab and physical therapy, etc. I don't know. Sheesh!

Oh and I weighed again today, I'm 149. That's 2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight w/ Kyan. Wow, never thought I'd see that weight again. You figure I have about 7 or so lbs of excess skin so wow, I have the potential to be one sexy machine. Ha, if only.....

This stomach bug I've been hit with has been interesting. Can't eat for nothing. I've managed a few bites of food here and there and can now drink again whereas Saturday you couldn't have paid me to take a sip of water. I'm so glad to be home. There's no place I'd rather be sick than here, especially THAT kind of sick. I was so embarrassed at Braden's. He was so nice about it though. When he found out that I had slept in a parking lot in my car, he was like, "Khaaaaakii, why didn't you call me? I would've had the door man let you in and you could've slept here?" I said, "I didn't want to bother you and that would also mean I would've had to drive over an hour to get back here." He shook his head. All my stuff was there, I should've.

Oh I guess I haven't blogged about my weekend meeting Braden yet. He's cute as ever. As in looks. And I can see that he has this side of him that he doesn't share much. I caught glimpses of it but it would retreat. All in all we had a great time. Eating sushi together was one of my favorite parts of the weekend. Of course, that was before I got sick. But we were talking and he said, "You know, if this wasn't the first date, I'd ask for a cup of ice and pour it in my wine, it's not quite box enough for me." I laughed and in my mind reeled, "Did he just call this a date?" I told him if he did, he could add ice to mine too. The condo wasn't what I expected. It was a bit much, actually. I expected a bachelor pad. Not at all what this place was. It was the 32nd floor of a Fort Worth sky rise with an awesome view of downtown, decorated like something out of a Victorian version of Cribs on MTV. Seriously, I couldn't believe it. A movie theater IN the condo? C'mon. Je was a generous host. It was good to see him and his text message to me on the way home about 30 minutes after I left said, "You are as amazing as I remember. I had a great weekend. Have a safe trip back." I didn't respond for like 4 hours. When I did I probably relayed mixed signals. No, I'm sure I did. When we went out Friday night, he left me standing in the lobby because he needed to go back up and unlock the door. I was standing there and this guy, Rob (I think), walked up to the front desk looking me up and down and said, "Hi there, what's your name?" I said, "Khaki." He said, "Khaki, where are you headed?" I said, "With one of my best friends downtown." He, "Do you live here?" Me, "No, I'm from Austin, I just came to visit my friend, Braden who lives here." Then in walks Braden. They shake hands. Braden and I were walking out and he said, "I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes and you get hit on, Khaki. Damn." We were smiling. It was funny. I felt good. He did tell me how sexy I looked (flowy shirt but fitted at the waist, black jeans, heels, chunky jewelry, hair down) and how beautiful I was and that he thought I had only gotten prettier the older I got. I took the compliment. Anyway, long story short, I got hit on later in the evening. One guy even said he noticed me the second we walked in and then he noticed Braden. I got "the big brown eyes" compliment. So, I don't know what is up w/ me and Braden. I'll take the friendship for sure though. I'm going to have to teach him a few things though. I think he comes across as an asshole sometimes because of his own insecurities. One of my best friends, Tara, went out w/ us Saturday night and I had the most entertaining time listening to the two of them banter. Sometimes he's so freakin funny. I told him about my surgery and he said, "Let me know if you need a nurse." To which I wrote, "Why so you can send Jim down here to take care of me?" (Jim was a nurse, we met Friday/Saturday). He replied, "There's another option." I wrote, "No thanks on Jimbo." Braden is an ER nurse. I just couldn't let him think I wanted him down here. Although he was a champ for me getting sick all weekend. And to think, I didn't even drink, except for the wine at dinner our first night. Enough about that, I could go on with more funny stuff from the weekend but I'm getting very tired.

Oh and JR and I had text words on Friday and he asked me not to come to the track. THEN he didn't even show up. Really? C'mon. I wasn't going to say anything to him and Janna at all. I have nothing to say whatsoever. He did introduce me to some great people though and I don't know why he can just man-up and treat me like some punk he can't stand at the racetrack and ignore me. Little Matt sent me a text, Jefferson didn't come, come party! and I was so tempted to go but it was late and I didn't feel well and had already committed to Braden on going out again. I'm not doing well on taming the hatred for Jefferson. He should've gone to the race. His friends wanted him there and were a little disappointed and confused. It's not like they're picking me over him. And really, JR, if I wanted drama, I would've just gone and not even let you know I was coming. Again, m-o-r-o-n. How old is he? Such a baby when he doesn't get his way. His fb status said something about someone not being who he thought they were....really? Look in a mirror, buddy. JC!!!!
So, MRI tomorrow and we'll know on Monday what my options are. And cheers to month-end and being so far behind. Ugh.

Dallas, here I come

I am so freakin ecstatic about going to Dallas tomorrow, which is actually today. I'm not packed and have so much to do. Just got off the phone w/ Braden. He sounds just like I remember. And he's "pumped" too so that's even better. I need this weekend.

I've made a wonderful friend this week, in fact, we're going to be great friends. Who knew life could be so crazy and the direction you take to meet someone sometimes is not the path you may have chosen or liked at the time but it's all falling together.

And who knew the demise of one relationship could gain the likes of like half a dozen or so new friends. And I didn't even do anything but check facebook messages one day. Wow. If you build it, they will come. And boy did they ever.

So while I still regret having ever dated Jefferson, I'm very grateful for the people that have come into my life since its demise. I have nothing to say to him ever again. In fact, life would be good if I never saw him again. The greatest lesson I've learned is that things are not what they appear. Also, trust your gut. I mean, there were times earlier in my relationship with him that I just had a feeling things weren't right. I honed in but not like I should've.

Today, I am in a really good place. I can't get this smile off my face. And the butterflies in my stomach are a welcomed feeling.

I have so many people to see this weekend, I hope I get to make all the rounds. Wish I had a week off.

Now, I must finish packing and laundry. Let the good times roll.

Jefferson Who?

That's all I have to say about that. :-)

The Script

Wow, what a weekend. I had almost 4 crazy days all by myself. It was interesting. I went out w/ a long time friend of mine who lives in Dallas. We went down on 4th St. Mostly gay bars but not all. It was fun. I only had 3 drinks in a 4 hour period and then decided to do a tequila shot. Yeah, that was a bad idea. I crutched to my car w/ my friends, felt fine. Got in my car, it started spinning and I puked. Friends were gone. I could barely dial my mom's number. It was weird. I did though and she and Brad came to get me at 3 in the morning. They got me and took my car home. Yuck!!!! I've been that drunk maybe a total of 3 times in my life. I couldn't believe it, 3 drinks (that didn't taste that strong). I do remember getting kissed by a stranger. Some guy walked up to me, asked to borrow my lighter, planted a big fat kiss on my cheek and said, "You're absolutely beautiful." I think he was gay even though he was with a group of people. I stood there just like, "WTH??" I smiled but I can't say that's ever happened before. Then I was standing at the gay bar and this guy said, "She's beautiful." I turned not because I thought they were talking about me but because we were at a gay bar full of men and I honestly thought Simone would've walked in (my gay drag queen hairdresser). Then his bf said, "Yes, love, you." We started talking and they were funny. Young, cute, but funny. I don't know, it's flattering but I guess I don't see it. I'm trying. My brother says all guys want in your pants. So, I'm hesitant to believe a lot of what comes out of a guy's mouth....but a gay guy doesn't want in my pants, right?

I spent most of my weekend alone watching tv or hanging out at my house. I'd go to dinner w/ my sister, Dad, and brother or hang out at Mom's but spent most of my time parked on my couch. I managed to watch 2 movies. I spent a lot of time on my computer.

Today, I had an interesting coffee date w/ someone who shall remain nameless. I thought it would only last about an hour or so but 3 hours later and I had to get boys or it could've been like 5 hours. I was contacted by said person a few days ago. It was a relief actually. I had thought about contacting her to discuss some things but decided against it. In that 3 plus hours, it was just confirmation after confirmation for my decision to be single right now. And also, enlightened on a guy that I once trusted. Again, what a moron. I don't like to say I regret anything in life because you can't change it after it all happens so why have regret? But this one, I really think I do. Probably moreso than Drew or Jeff or Adam. Now, if I can just tame that regret and keep it from turning into hate, we'll be fine. I will say that I always told this guy that I was a role in a script. Today, that was confirmed. He is now dating someone and took her to see Princess Bride. That's what he does w/ all his girlfriends. Let their script begin but I don't care to stay tuned because I know how it ends. :-)

Me and Braden have decided that if we're 35 and both single, we'll get married. It's actually about as funny as the wingman jokes we have going. I originally suggested 40 but he brought it down to 35. AND he's 32 now. We'll have to work out the details of Austin vs. Dallas but all in all, sounds good. :-) Ha! He's really a good guy. I can't wait to catch up in person. It should be a lot of fun. I'm not hoping for anything but a really good bud right now. That's what I need. But I will say that he's been wonderful on pulling me out of my funk from my break-up w/ Jefferson. He told me last night, "after next weekend you will not even remember Jefferson." He's also told me over and over how I was too good for JR. Considering I have some insecurities about my physical appearance, it's been very nice to hear, actually. It helps that it comes from someone that I consider to be really attractive. In fact, my friends say, "hot!" I never thought JR was attractive although I would tell him he was. And the more we dated, the more his looks grew on me. There definitely was something very dorky about him. And Drew had a nice upper body build but wasn't cute in his face.I still think Kevin is handsome. I think its the eyes and I loved that he was so much taller than me. I wish he would cut his hair though. Ugh. And I have to say that aside from Kevin, Adam is the only cute guy I dated  and kind of in opposite terms of JR, he became uglier the more I got to know him.  Braden seems to think he can find me a good looking quality guy. What Braden doesn't know is that I don't really care to date anyone right now. But I'll amuse him and play along. He also thinks that my having kids is a bonus. Still need some explanation on that. I told him about my test for the next guy. I could never see JR playing sports w/ the boys. He would, sort of, but it was very unnatural. So the test is simple. If I can't picture said guy throwing ball w/ my boys, he's out. He doesn't have to be a jock but he has to have a natural nurture gene. JR's was forced.

I kind of wished I lived in Dallas though. I miss my friends and am not sure how to go about making new ones. Real ones. Still working on it.

I've been talking to the guys on the racing team and they're excited to have me there on Saturday. I hope Braden can go with me. I'm not staying long. Just long enough to tell the Matts and Sarah hello and give Jen a hug and maybe take some pics for them.

I've got to get to bed now. I have a busy 3 days this week.

Doh!

So, I'm a great big sap and hopeless romantic. I'll watch a romantic comedy over and over even though I know 1) what are the odds that'll ever happen to me? 2) they're so predictable. So, I used to listen to Delilah, a radio show in the evenings in Dallas. For as long as I can remember I listened to her. So, my mother tells me the other night she's listening to Delilah and I think, "Wow, that's what I need to do in the evenings."  Bullshit. That is the worst thing I need to be doing. Case in point, just now....I'm baking cookies w/ Kamdyn. Kyan is playing w/ an inflatable ball in the living room and Kasyn is studying a worm over by the door. Some guy called in to tell his girlfriend that he was so in love with her and that there's nothing to compare for how much he adores her. My first thought as tears filled my eyes, was, "awe, I want that"...yes, I want to be that girl that some guy thinks enough of to call a freakin radio station and say something like that....or hell, how bout just being adored that much. Yes, that's it. That'll do. Just to know I'm adored. But not just hear it. I mean feel it and know it. So, she played the song and I can't remember which one it was but I wanted to cry as I look up and realize I don't have someone to dance with or smile at or wink at across the room. So, I asked Kam to dance w/ me. There he is in his construction helmet, flashlight in hand, helping me make cookies, and we started dancing. He stood on my feet. Then in comes Kasyn who wants to be held, then Kyan who steps on my other foot and there I am dancing in the kitchen w/ my boys. I'm thinking in my head, you don't need a man, you have three little ones, Khaki. You can do this, you can just dance w/ your boys. All is good. Sigh. Me and Kevin used to dance all the time. We'd bust out in song like nothing....it was so funny. We even took turns on male/female duets. It was funny, at this last exchange Mofro was playing on my iPod and Kevin was loading the boys and said, "I hadn't heard this in forever." And he started to sing. I kept on about my business but also singing too. I could tell he missed it. Before he shut the door on Kasyn's side, he made sure to sing the last part really loud and I laughed. He winked and tapped my shoulder....except this time, there wasn't a hug or a kiss on the neck (like so many previous times in our kitchen when we were married) but he threw me a peace sign and said, "Later, Khak." I shook my head and drove off. Tonight though, I have an ache in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I sent my mom a text message telling her that I hated her for reminding me of Delilah but you know what, I can't stop listening to it. I keep saying, one more song and I'll turn it off. Kyan loves to hear me sing. He always says, "No, you sing Mommy, you sing it." I love that.

Tonight I took the kids to the pool and had my feet in while they played around my feet. I just watched them, no phone, just me, the boys, and the whole pool to ourselves. It was nice. I even answered all of Kyan's, "Guess what?" questions. Well, I've got to put the boys to bed. I'm a great mom. I really am. People tell me all the time but I know it. I feel it. And I try so damn hard.   Something big is coming......huge. I just know.

A few of my favorite quotes

Forever always seems



To be around when it begins


But forever never seems


To be around when it ends.
 
- Ben Harper
 
 
If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.  -Marilyn Monroe
 
 
"I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand." -Nick Hornby (High Fidelity: A Novel)
 
 
I believe in Christianity as I believe in the sun, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.



-C.S. Lewis


Information is not knowledge. -Albert Einstein




Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.- audrey hepburn



"Part of me is made of glass, and also, I love you."  - Nicole Krauss (The History of Love)


``I have not failed; I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." - Thomas Edison




``Do, or do not. There is no try." - Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back (1980)


"No man is ever rich enough to buy back his past." -Oscar Wilde


"Everyone knows how to talk, and no one knows what to say." - Nick Hornby (A Long Way Down)
 
 
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." 
-Marilyn Monroe
 
 
"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world." - Marilyn Monroe
 
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. -Albert Einstein

Boys, Boys, Boys

What a fanfreakintastic weekend!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel like I'm back in my groove.

Yesterday, I woke up, finished laundry, ALMOST finished a cup of coffee while it was warm, the boys laid around watching cartoons, lazy morning for them. I made scones. Then we played football in the house. Then we made waves in the rug in the living room and had our own motocross w/ hotwheels. Then we got ready and ran a few errands and off to the bounce house. I had some free passes so figured good to use them. I ran around there like a crazy person playing w/ them. Then attracted everyone else's kids. It was fun. After that, the boys were sick of me so they ventured on their own. I sat and watched all the families play and I wasn't sad or lonely. I put my iPod in and responded to a few texts on my phone. After 4 hours of that, we left. We hit the photobooth which, for some reason, I love. I finally got one of me and Kasyn but he's not happy in it. And 4 people in a photobooth is a bit much. The kids asked me for snacks and drinks and the, "No, we don't have money for that right now" shut them up. It was nice. I do wish we had spent the day outside but it was rather hot. Me, Mom, and Q did our 3 car switch so finding Mom's car when it was said and done was a bit of a disaster but we made it.

Came home and the kids weren't that hungry. I had packed snacks and such and we had a late lunch so we had popcorn for dinner. They were good w/ that. Kasyn fell asleep in timeout but woke up 2 hours later. I was worried he'd be too wired to go back to sleep but he wasn't. Then I laid with them and watched Hotel for Dogs and Kyan dictated everything that was about to happen just before it did. Luckily after 20 minutes, they crashed out. Then I read some of my book and laid and stared at the ceiling thinking. I felt like I had worked out but didn't. I, too, was just exhausted.

This morning we woke up, had Toaster Strudel for breakfast, showered and went to church. No fights, no arguing on clothes (of course, I let them wear their swimsuits so what could they be upset about). I treated myself to Starbucks and learned that the kids are happy w/ ice water which is free. Kevin, the guy that takes the order, not as cute as Darren, and half Darren's age, said, "Ok, grande white mocha and one more thing, You're the greatest!" I laughed as did the kids and said, "Keep telling me that." Church was good. I decided in that moment that I'm exactly where I need to be in life. Not at church necessarily but more not being in a relationship with someone who is Atheist. To each is their own and I still think JR has great qualities but there's a "thing" about believers....a warmth. I want someone like that. And if there isn't a God, and I die, having lived my life as a believer? So what? Right? And even though JR and I debated you could still be moral and not believe in God, I do agree to an extent but wonder if that's where his coldness comes from. And another thing I thought about at church....in all of Kevin's wrongdoings, at least he can admit them. JR does no wrong. Anyway, then we went to Big Lots and purchased a slip n' slide. The boys were pretty good in that store, considering all the distraction there is really. That was the best $10 I've spent in a long time. We drove to Neen's and had our lunch, held Vivian, and played in her backyard. Even me and Joe went down the slide. It was fun. I got lost on my way back home but singing in the car w/ the boys was a riot. I had a text from Jeri that Jerome was in the hospital and had had a seizure so I picked up her son. Now, we're home, still wet from this afternoon, jamming to music, playing, doing laundry, and hanging out.

I still thought about Michael and JR this weekend, a lot. I'd even say I missed him but there was no stress. I didn't worry about my kids pissing anyone off. I didn't worry about anything but loving my boys. It was great! And I'm actually convincing myself that it was his loss. I want a warm, kind, gentle, man to share life with....not someone so "right" about everything and uptight. Still sad but doing juuuussssttt fine. He wasn't a complete asshole. There were times he was very sweet but not a natural demeanor for him. He thinks too much and can't just be.....or feel. Is that what I want? Absolutely not!

I talked to Mom last night. I'm so excited to go out on the boat next weekend. I have wanted to water ski all my life. This could be my chance. JH is coming in town from Amarillo and hasn't been to Austin in like 10 years. I already worked out the drop details w/ Linda for the boys on Friday. Let's hope this week goes by superfast....and next week even faster. I'm more looking forward to that weekend.

Dreams

I really wish I knew what dreams meant. I have some insane dreams. Like last night. I lived, or was just visiting, Jillian and the house was a mess and the traffic in and out of the house was horrific. I was getting ready for a date w/ JR. This date wasn't going to be good. You could just tell as I was getting ready. I was curling my hair and he was talking to Rich on the phone. They were obviously talking about me and Rich's advice was to bail. Anyway, we went to breakfast w/ his parents and they were telling me how they couldn't stand me. But they were talking as if I wasn't there. JR claimed to have not known. Once his dad concurred w/ his mom, JR turned and asked me to leave. Then I walked about 5 miles before one of Jillian's friends saw me on the side of the road and gave me a lift. Once we got back to the house JR was there antagonizing me. He wouldn't quit. Then he took the curling iron cord and tied it around my throat. I stuck my fingers in his eyes and he stopped. Anyway, it was just weird. I don't remember what happened after that really. I just remember being totally humiliated at breakfast w/ his parents.

The other day I had a dream that my face fell off....from my bottom lip, down to my chin and over to the right side of my face, it peeled off and as I looked in the mirror, milk started pouring out of my face. I looked it up in a dream book and it said that it was because I was being decieved, manipulated, controlled, and unhappy.

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that they kind of put me in a funk. I woke up this morning drenched from walking home in my dream (I was walking in a fury, not a leisure walk) and then fighting him. I hate sleeps like that.

Funny

So, here I sit, party of one on my patio drinking a glass of wine texting and talking to random people. As entertained as I am, I'm still lonely.

Entertainment line-up:
Alex - 28 yrs old, never married, no kids, travels like crazy, works in a hospital, but very funny, we talk about weirdos on match, travel, and sports.
Chris - the date from last Saturday, 2 kids, divorced, 33 yrs old, begging for 2nd date, moved here the exact same day I did a year ago, thinks I have an amazing accent, likes to hear me talk altho we've only talked on the phone twice now for less than 10 minutes. Has Erich tendencies though.
Clint - 34, divorced, 2 kids, kind of shy but says its because he's new to dating, 2 yrs post divorce, seems like a good hearted guy....been hurt pretty badly.
Gary - 34, never married, no kids, dog, invited me to his apartment to play darts (didn't go), he's beginning to creep me out a little bit, begging for a date (to which I decline).
Bart - 48 yrs old, never married, one kid, but who cares, did you see how old he was? He keeps emailing me thru match.com, inviting me to his condo in Brazil, very creepy weird guy.
Centerfield - don't know his real name, emails me through match, he's hilarious, 30 something, goofy looking, but makes me laugh, says I'm the only girl that can keep up with his wit. And he's good, takes a lot of effort but the banter is fun.
BTRanch - don't know  his name w/o looking it up, emails me through match, very shy, has a ranch in Cedar Park, divorced, 36, 2 kids, moved here from Dallas, thinks I'm just so pretty, he's actually good looking but too shy.
Stefan - 38, never married, no kids, drives a Porshe, does yoga and gives the impression that he has a lot of money, but best I can tell, he's looking for the trophy girl and I'm not that girl. But he was impressed w/ my knowledge of cars and tracks (thanks JR).

Then there's Braden, my lab partner in Chemistry class my Sophmore year in high school. He's moving to TX from Florida next month. He's an ER Nurse which I never would've guessed. His timing on texts/emails is perfect. Just before a date, I get a "Good Luck"....I canceled on the date then sat at a bar, solo, and he text me the majority of the night. I have a huge important meeting today w/ the VP of Finance which I'll elaborate on in a second and just before the meeting he asked how it went. I told him I hadn't had it yet. But still, he remembered and he thought enough to text me. At night, when I'm sitting here, I'll get a random msg from him. Generic, but nice. Just the right dose of friend sometimes. He asked why me and JR broke up so I sent him the short version via email. His feedback was great. If only I would absorb it in this big brain of mine.

Then there's Joe, not my brother-in-law. He ran around w/ my brother's gang. He was the "bad" guy in high school but seems to have his life put together now. We've become really great friends. Have a lot of the same views on people and relationships. He pulls me out of my funks in the evenings. He remembers some crazy stuff that even I don't remember. Like he remembers a conversation I had w/ him in 6th grade. Bizarre. He's got a good heart and is genuine which is nice. I pretty much dump all my emotional shit on him in the evenings.

And while one might think I have enough distraction with all that, I still think of JR. My counselor asked me yesterday, "Why do you want someone that doesn't want you?" I didn't answer. I teared up. Because I don't think he doesn't want me. Too many things just don't add up in this. In fact, in the email he sent the other day, he contradicts himself at least 3 times. But what do I know? He's the one that's nearing "40 and no closer"...So, I couldn't help but think of him tonight when Alex said, "You are by far, the prettiest girl on match.com in Austin right now." I said, "That's not true, I've seen them. There's some pretty ones." He said, "The half decent ones I've gone on dates with all want to get married w/in an hour." Then he said, "You are very pretty, beautiful, and witty, and I can't imagine that someone hasn't snatched you up yet." I confessed, "I'm a psycho bitch and I borrowed those pics of some girl's myspace." He laughed. I'm glad he knew I was kidding but it did pose the question. But also gave me a little boost....uhh, yeah, why am I single? Not that I don't need to be or that there's anything wrong with it. But again, I'd like a companion and being rejected by Jefferson was a heartbreak and a low blow for many reasons. The main one, it doesn't make sense. For such a smart guy, he makes no sense. I told Alex I wouldn't be on match after the next week or so. True story.

I sit on the patio and hear footsteps and imagine JR walking up, jumping the fence, and sitting down and having civil conversation. But I know that'll never happen. I mean, hell, not even 10 hours after sending me that email that talked about missing me and all that's lost, he posts on fb, "....has a fuh-reaking amazing life" which all my friends say is bullshit. That its a front because even though we aren't "friends" he's gotta be hurting and knows I'll read it or hear it through the grapevine. No one's life, just after a break-up with something so "rare and special" is "fuh-reaking amazing".....Friends, keep telling me that.

I had a conversation with a girl at work who asked me if JR was going to run for office. I told her no. She then said, "So what the hell does it matter who you voted for or what your political beliefs are?" I shrugged. Not that I don't think it's important to share those beliefs, it would make things easier every 4 years I'm sure but it was lame that JR would bring that up as one of the main reasons we didn't approach life the same. Damn dude, you're gonna have to compromise on something unless you want to be "50 and no closer."

My counselor gave me 2 worksheets yesterday. One is called His Needs/Her Needs. I liked it. I knew it already but nice reminder. Also, he gave me a list of 20 questions to ask your partner BEFORE you get in a serious relationship. I asked what the point of that was or what I'm looking for based on the answers and he said, "Red flags. If you do not have common ground on those things, chances of you not working out are greater." I informed him that I knew all of JR's answers to these questions and chalked them up to valuing someone else as different or opposites attract. He looked at me and said, "You are very sharp, Khaki. Too sharp sometimes." Still processing that one.

So, I pretty much bombed month-end close on Rehab this month. Anything that went wrong, did. So, I got a meeting invite from the VP of Finance and the Financial Analyst. I went and it was wonderful. I got to show them the tedious steps involved, and suggested ways to improve the processes which require a software developer to create a program for us. I proposed many ideas/outlets/suggestions (thank you PwC for all that systems implementation work). I felt that the Khaki Factor was really working for me. I had a few minutes in there where my head was like, "Khaki, you're on fire." It felt great and was commended. And Wendy, the next time you try to throw me under the bus, could you please come up with a better defense? I just made her life easier today x50. She can thank me later. It felt so good afterwards that I didn't want to work the rest of the afternoon. I did but didn't feel like it.  The one person I wanted to text, was JR. He was good at professional insight/advice. But if I did that now, I'd feel like that psychotic bitch he dated named Kim. She does that and he always played stupid. I think she wanted more from him and used that as a lure. Wtfe.

I'm tired and this half glass of wine has relaxed me to the point of bedtime. I will be glad when I can get through a day and not think of Jefferson. It sucks. I almost wish I had never met him and had a year of being single under my belt. Oh but the jeans I fit into this morning, were wonderful. I do have my appetite back but I've lost 9lbs since we broke up. Dreading the swimsuit I have to fit into tomorrow though. I'm taking the boys swimming and splashing. One more thing, I talked to Kevin via email today. He misses us. I'm definitely in the acceptance phase of that demise. He called to talk to the boys and talked to me more than them. We talked about discipline and it was wonderful.

G'night.

Simplicity

Tonight was fun. I really enjoyed the boys. I think they're appreciating my cooking efforts more and more. Kamdyn helped me cook, clean, and then I tickled him like crazy after baths. I hadn't heard him laugh like that in awhile. It was so cute. Then I read to them, each rotating a turn in my lap. Sweet boys!

Kyan had golf lessons today. He said he's going to get really good at it so he can hit the ball as far as Bubba. That made me smile. Also made me appreciate my family. All of them so much. Sure, they get on my nerves but man, when the going get tough, we know how to "glue-up."

TN had me scared to death about Vivian and the paramedics coming to revive her last night. That little girl is so freakin cute. I can't wait until she's a little bit older and her parents realize she won't break and she isn't as fragile as they think. Poor baby last night though. I wish I was there. I remember when Kyan had a seizure and how helpless I felt. That's the terror I heard in Neen's voice. I'm glad she's okay. I'm CPR certified, as of 2009, so I think/hope its still good. I also took a first aid class for kids. I recommended that she and Joe do the same. I'll babysit that sweet girl. I had her on my mind ALL day today. I can't even fathom the thought of losing any of our kids. EVER.

Emotionally, I'm 20 times better than I was a week ago. I still think of JR and miss him though. But I'm surrounded by some good people. Some familiar faces that have recently come into my life and that sure is nice. I feel like we never had a gap in our friendships. I'm looking forward to my Dallas trip in June. I get to catch up w/ Braden and hang out. He's going to be a wonderful friend. He already has been. Seems like he's got the right words of encouragment at just the right time. As bad as I want to go to that LeMons race that same weekend, I told my Dallas friends, don't let me. Besides, what if JR has a girl there w/ him. Ugh.

I did receive a nice email from JR today. I don't think I'll respond. When I saw his name on my phone, I got butterflies for a split second (my emails feed to my phone). I cringed as I opened the email. It mentioned us being friends and he said he doubted he could see me with someone else. Well, you goof, you basically dumped me? So, why would you be jealous? I can't say I ever saw him get jealous. I did though, to a fault. Stupid, Khaki. I asked Kyan tonight if he missed Jefferson. I told him he could say yes or no and I didn't care what his answer was. He said, "No, I don't miss him but can Michael come sleep over?" Every night after baths, Kasyn asks if Jefferson can come play zombie. Kamdyn brought me King, the car that Michael played with (JR's son) and told me to save it for Michael.

I still don't have an appetite. Today, I ate some Doritos (couldn't even finish the bag) and drank half of a Diet DP. I'm still taking my vitamins though so I'm fine.

My fan club was going strong today via text and emails. I didn't respond to any of them. Tonight, there were some hurt feelings. I just don't care. They're all very flattering texts/emails. A few are a little creepy, I'll admit. I'm just not feeling it. I am learning a little about defining boundaries so that's really good.

A local DJ took a listener on a date. Well, she didn't show up for the date so he's been talking about it all week. Anyway, my friend took it upon herself to email him today and tell him about me. He asked for a picture of me. So, she gave him my facebook page. I quickly emailed Braden and asked him which picture I should put as profile picture. He told me the one of me and the boys where I'm in the red shirt. I wrote back, "Why are you trying to ruin my chances from the get go?" He said, "Far from it. I'm helping you. There's something very sexy about a single mother." I left my pictures alone. It was funny. My friends are silly.

It's funny on Match.com how everyone inquires about my ethnicity. Asking if I'm from Peru, Labanon, Brazil (I get that one the most, thanks Drew). Nope, just little ol' me, Texas girl. The compliments about my outward appearance are nice. The compliments about how I carry conversation or have an awesome sense of humor are enticing but can't help but say, in my short exposure to the dating world, have become a bit cold and skeptical about those "lines"....(thanks JR).

Tomorrow is counseling which I have a whole list of things to discuss. I'm looking forward to it but just remembered I didn't do my homework. EEK! I need to get on that. Then I have my single mom group at church. I haven't seen them in over two weeks so it'll be good to see them. I think I'm exactly where I need to be. Life is good. Now, about that homework....and Modern Family.....and laundry. THEN sleep, which I still am having issues with.