Doh!

So, I'm a great big sap and hopeless romantic. I'll watch a romantic comedy over and over even though I know 1) what are the odds that'll ever happen to me? 2) they're so predictable. So, I used to listen to Delilah, a radio show in the evenings in Dallas. For as long as I can remember I listened to her. So, my mother tells me the other night she's listening to Delilah and I think, "Wow, that's what I need to do in the evenings."  Bullshit. That is the worst thing I need to be doing. Case in point, just now....I'm baking cookies w/ Kamdyn. Kyan is playing w/ an inflatable ball in the living room and Kasyn is studying a worm over by the door. Some guy called in to tell his girlfriend that he was so in love with her and that there's nothing to compare for how much he adores her. My first thought as tears filled my eyes, was, "awe, I want that"...yes, I want to be that girl that some guy thinks enough of to call a freakin radio station and say something like that....or hell, how bout just being adored that much. Yes, that's it. That'll do. Just to know I'm adored. But not just hear it. I mean feel it and know it. So, she played the song and I can't remember which one it was but I wanted to cry as I look up and realize I don't have someone to dance with or smile at or wink at across the room. So, I asked Kam to dance w/ me. There he is in his construction helmet, flashlight in hand, helping me make cookies, and we started dancing. He stood on my feet. Then in comes Kasyn who wants to be held, then Kyan who steps on my other foot and there I am dancing in the kitchen w/ my boys. I'm thinking in my head, you don't need a man, you have three little ones, Khaki. You can do this, you can just dance w/ your boys. All is good. Sigh. Me and Kevin used to dance all the time. We'd bust out in song like nothing....it was so funny. We even took turns on male/female duets. It was funny, at this last exchange Mofro was playing on my iPod and Kevin was loading the boys and said, "I hadn't heard this in forever." And he started to sing. I kept on about my business but also singing too. I could tell he missed it. Before he shut the door on Kasyn's side, he made sure to sing the last part really loud and I laughed. He winked and tapped my shoulder....except this time, there wasn't a hug or a kiss on the neck (like so many previous times in our kitchen when we were married) but he threw me a peace sign and said, "Later, Khak." I shook my head and drove off. Tonight though, I have an ache in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I sent my mom a text message telling her that I hated her for reminding me of Delilah but you know what, I can't stop listening to it. I keep saying, one more song and I'll turn it off. Kyan loves to hear me sing. He always says, "No, you sing Mommy, you sing it." I love that.

Tonight I took the kids to the pool and had my feet in while they played around my feet. I just watched them, no phone, just me, the boys, and the whole pool to ourselves. It was nice. I even answered all of Kyan's, "Guess what?" questions. Well, I've got to put the boys to bed. I'm a great mom. I really am. People tell me all the time but I know it. I feel it. And I try so damn hard.   Something big is coming......huge. I just know.