Me to my brother via text: Yeah, well somedays I feel like I'm going to just break. Perhaps, today.
Him back to me via text: Someday we will look back and laugh.
With that said, here's to wishing it were someday.....here's my cup of broken emptiness barely held up, tears filling up my eyes so much that I can hardly see the computer screen to type this, in one blink, tears will stream down my cheeks and fall on my lap....my lap, where my gray Banana Republic dress pants have icing stains from a kid who decided he didn't want the purple cupcake today at the Halloween party, the chili cheese blob that dripped out of the burrito while we grabbed dinner en route on the way to church, and the saggy backside from sitting at my desk all day long......heart pounding, head throbbing, big fucking cheers to someday.
I've learned in the course of the last year that I tend to push people away when I get like this. Not that it happens often, but I do. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders most days and God forbid I show signs of weary or even a fucking breaking point because that, is failure. And so many women in my shoes bitch and moan about how hard life is and I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to prove that I can do this and do it well. Fail. Epic fail. It's fucking hard and I hate my life right now. And those tears mentioned only a paragraph before are now sobs. That stream of tears is now 3 streams of tears. My face is flooding. "They" say sometimes a good cry does the mind, body, and soul good but I fight it. I used to be such an emotionally raw person. And aside from remembering the exact date, I can almost tell you exactly the moment I became cold. Kevin and I were fighting once and the fight was because I was feeling neglected as a wife. Nothing sexual. Just attention. So, I was telling him how sad I felt and I remember him saying to me this, "And quit w/ the fucking tears, Khaki, they don't work with me. Your tears mean jack shit." And I can play the echo in my head...."my tears mean jack shit.....my tears mean jack shit...."
So, every fight after that became anger driven instead of expressing sadness, I expressed anger. And he shuts down at anger. Here I sit, feeling broken.....and wouldn't ya know, 10 years on this day I was dressed beautifully in my wedding gown vowing to Kevin til death do us part that I would honor, cherish, blah fucking blah......and today, I sit here divorced.
I'm not sad that I'm divorced. Because being married to Kevin was toxic. Let's face it, if I were feeling sad today, while married, my tears would mean jack shit, right? But I have this emptiness inside and my mind wishes for someone that my tears would matter to.....or does it really? I'm not sure that's it either. I don't cry often. I've only cried a handful of times since my divorce but lately, I feel like I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Like I can't get a grip on anything. Plans constantly falling through, kids acting insane, just life has all of a sudden become unmanageable for me. I don't know where to start so that I can regroup. I give so much of myself to everyone else and when I take time for me, I feel guilty.
Today we had this 4 hour team building meeting. We were given a homework assignment on Monday that we had to list 3 qualities about each person on our team and share them at the meeting. So, there are 7 people on my team. We have 17 accountants but only 7 report to my direct boss. So, out of everyone on the team, I'm the one that everyone said was, "Cheerful, Happy, Funny, Witty, Awesome sense of humor, Always so positive, Motivating, Awe-inspiring, Admirable, Caring, Compassionate, Creative, Makes me laugh daily, Breath of fresh air, No matter how much she has on her plate or how overworked she is always smiling." Seriously, have we met? I've worked there a year now. Good game, Khaki. (eyeroll) I hear that alot....about my smile and about my sense of humor. Well, at least I can make other people laugh.
I just wish I knew my purpose. I find it really hard to believe that I was put on this fucking earth to sit in an office and crunch numbers all day. I remember Jodi, SOX Compliance Director at Fogo, asking me to footnote some financials once. I figured it out, thanks to Google. And dropped the files back to her office and she said, "No, send them to Pricewaterhouse to this address." Ummm, wow, she didn't even want to look at them. Send them straight to the auditors, huh? Then a few weeks later, she got the audit report back and there were no corrections to be done. She tells me, "you're such a natural at this, Khaki. I've never seen anything like it." Ok, Jodi, who has a double CPA, one from South Africa which is the hardest one to get, and one from the U.S. that everyone I know w/ a CPA has failed at least once before obtaining those three glorious letters after their name called me, Khaki, the girl who bullshits her way through most things, "a natural" when it comes to accounting. HA! Do people even know this girl? The one I see in the mirror everyday? I mean, really.
Behind all this bullshit is someone that wants more in life. I'm not right. Something about me just isn't right lately and I can't figure it out.
Another funny, a boy (I call them that because I can and feel like it) asked me to be his girlfriend this week. He's pretty enamored with me. I keep telling him, "Hi, I'm Khaki, have we met? I have 3 kids." He doesn't have children, is 28, a'ight looking, nice guy, funny, very smart, witty, and charming.....so why aren't I interested in him? I don't know. I tell my friends about him and they say, "Wow, go for it." He lives in Houston, which if you think about it, could be a great set-up. He wouldn't be up my ass every day. I only have every other weekend free to date anyway, right? Houston could be fun. Give me something to look forward to? No, bullshit. It's not that I find something wrong w/ everyone I meet. I think its that I'm not interested in dating, period. I'm not. At all. I used to be so eager when my phone would light up or go off or blink and now, I don't care.
Me and my friend Carly were talking about being that "someday girl" to someone. You know, the girl that is just perfect....someday. So, that guy, Tim, that asked me to be his girlfriend said to me, "I'm not looking for someday girl. I want to snatch you up before someone else does. I want you as my right now girlfriend."
Someday girl desires to laugh right now.
In fact, Saturday night, I'm going by myself to Cap City Comedy Club to see Gary Guhlman. Because I want to laugh. So badly, I desire to laugh. I'm hoping for gut wrenching hurt so fucking hard laughter....like I had at the Haunted House a few weeks ago w/ Jillian.
Anyway, the tears are gone and its time for a shower. Here's to somefuckingday....when someday girl can someday look back at today and laugh.........someday.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I hate carrots, not those carrots, the dangling kind....
So, I expressed my gratitude last week for all things wonderful despite my unfortunate situation and today, it's killing me. I'm so pissed off.
I finally did the math on my situation. As an accountant, I try to avoid it when I can but today I got curious. I shouldn't have done that. Just over $2000 in personal effects/losses were taken from me. Most of you know I'm a very independent person. You know, that smile you see when you look at me that says, "Hey, I'm a cute single mother of 3 boys with my shit together....." Uh huh, that one? Well its gone today and I am furious. I've got a look on my face that says "Stay the @#$%^&* away from me."
Since September 26th, I've had more shards of glass in my fingers/ hands than I ever thought possible from a broken window (even after an hour of vacuuming). I've talked to more people in India than I ever cared to. I've met the Assistant Vice President of Chase Bank. I've had to issue a fraud alert on my ss#, fill out a stack of forms, research on the internet, etc, etc, etc. Today, I received the final credit card replacement.
So, today I also watched the lovely folks out at Zilker Park setting up for ACL Music Festival from my work window. Inside my purse were 2 tickets to ACL. This was my treat to myself. I actually have talked for months about what I was going to do with my wedding ring. After a year and a half of wondering what to do with it, I decided to sell it. I didn't even really care all that much if I got what it was worth. I needed to get rid of it for my own emotional closure to the divorce. I offered to give it back to my ex-husband. He asked me to keep it. Every time I saw it, I thought about all the memories and let's not forget about the vows that went with it. It needed to be gone. Part of me was hopeful it would be enough money to take a quick trip by myself over the Christmas holiday. A trip to anywhere but here since this will be the first Christmas (of many) that my boys will be gone. It wasn't but it was enough to pay my babysitter to camp out at the student sale and get me tickets to an awesome music concert for a weekend. I've checked craigslist in Dallas/Austin all day and I just can't spend the $200+ they want for another ticket. Counting what I already spent, that would be crazy. It's not like John Mayer is going. That would be ignorant. My boss has sent me every single internet/radio contest out there to win tickets.
I got 2 tickets and was going to give one of my BGF's first dibs because 1) he's never been and mentioned it several months ago. His bday is coming up and it was going to be a Happy Bday. 2) I wanted someone to go with 3) Even if he couldn't go, one of my newest girlfriends wanted to go, we seem to hit it off and have fun together. 4) I knew I could get rid of it.
So, it has got me wondering: Why do bad things happen to good people? Who does this sort of thing? WTH were they thinking? Why? Why me? They have used enough of my debit/credit cards to get enough gas to get them from here to NYC. I wonder if my tickets are in the garbage somewhere with my purse. I wonder if they'll use that gas and drive to Austin to go to the concert and have the time of their lives. I wonder if they'll ever regret it. I wonder, at what point, does conscience set in?
As I ventured to the breakroom to gab w/ coworkers, grab my daily Diet DP, and eat lunch, I looked out at the magnificent border of blue port-a-potties circumferencing Zilker Park, the white shiny peaks of the tents, and the green green grass. As I walked out to my car and felt the cool breeze, I imagined how sweet its going to be for the many thousands of people to be sitting outside all weekend jamming out to some great music and eating some of Austin's finest foods. What will I be doing on my begged-Kevin-to-switch-with-me-had-the-kids-for-two-weekends-in-a-row-and-all-I-hear-are-screams-kid-free-weekend? I don't know yet. I thought about going to a haunted house somewhere. I'm all about doing things by myself. I actually like it. But a haunted house? Yeah, perhaps not. I thought about visiting my friends in Dallas (Lavon) but only one of them has come to visit me so I think I should go on strike. Maybe I'll catch up on that Season 2 & 3 of True Blood, or all my other shows on DVR, or maybe I'll go to Town Lake and rent a Kayak.....probably not, I bet you could hear the music from there. Or maybe I'll just work.
Ok, I feel better for the pity party. It's done now. :-) It just sucks and I hope that someday, they get a dose of what goes around comes around (which also has me wondering, wth did I do? when? and to whom?)
And fyi, don't leave your purse in your car....even if you drive a minivan, even if you're only going in for a second, even if you're in Amarillo, even if you think it's well hidden.......and if you do, leave your car unlocked so you don't have to pay for a broken window.
Lol.
P.S. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a chain wallet. Tell the Mrs. to hold off on the Snuggie for my birthday.
I finally did the math on my situation. As an accountant, I try to avoid it when I can but today I got curious. I shouldn't have done that. Just over $2000 in personal effects/losses were taken from me. Most of you know I'm a very independent person. You know, that smile you see when you look at me that says, "Hey, I'm a cute single mother of 3 boys with my shit together....." Uh huh, that one? Well its gone today and I am furious. I've got a look on my face that says "Stay the @#$%^&* away from me."
Since September 26th, I've had more shards of glass in my fingers/ hands than I ever thought possible from a broken window (even after an hour of vacuuming). I've talked to more people in India than I ever cared to. I've met the Assistant Vice President of Chase Bank. I've had to issue a fraud alert on my ss#, fill out a stack of forms, research on the internet, etc, etc, etc. Today, I received the final credit card replacement.
So, today I also watched the lovely folks out at Zilker Park setting up for ACL Music Festival from my work window. Inside my purse were 2 tickets to ACL. This was my treat to myself. I actually have talked for months about what I was going to do with my wedding ring. After a year and a half of wondering what to do with it, I decided to sell it. I didn't even really care all that much if I got what it was worth. I needed to get rid of it for my own emotional closure to the divorce. I offered to give it back to my ex-husband. He asked me to keep it. Every time I saw it, I thought about all the memories and let's not forget about the vows that went with it. It needed to be gone. Part of me was hopeful it would be enough money to take a quick trip by myself over the Christmas holiday. A trip to anywhere but here since this will be the first Christmas (of many) that my boys will be gone. It wasn't but it was enough to pay my babysitter to camp out at the student sale and get me tickets to an awesome music concert for a weekend. I've checked craigslist in Dallas/Austin all day and I just can't spend the $200+ they want for another ticket. Counting what I already spent, that would be crazy. It's not like John Mayer is going. That would be ignorant. My boss has sent me every single internet/radio contest out there to win tickets.
I got 2 tickets and was going to give one of my BGF's first dibs because 1) he's never been and mentioned it several months ago. His bday is coming up and it was going to be a Happy Bday. 2) I wanted someone to go with 3) Even if he couldn't go, one of my newest girlfriends wanted to go, we seem to hit it off and have fun together. 4) I knew I could get rid of it.
So, it has got me wondering: Why do bad things happen to good people? Who does this sort of thing? WTH were they thinking? Why? Why me? They have used enough of my debit/credit cards to get enough gas to get them from here to NYC. I wonder if my tickets are in the garbage somewhere with my purse. I wonder if they'll use that gas and drive to Austin to go to the concert and have the time of their lives. I wonder if they'll ever regret it. I wonder, at what point, does conscience set in?
As I ventured to the breakroom to gab w/ coworkers, grab my daily Diet DP, and eat lunch, I looked out at the magnificent border of blue port-a-potties circumferencing Zilker Park, the white shiny peaks of the tents, and the green green grass. As I walked out to my car and felt the cool breeze, I imagined how sweet its going to be for the many thousands of people to be sitting outside all weekend jamming out to some great music and eating some of Austin's finest foods. What will I be doing on my begged-Kevin-to-switch-with-me-had-the-kids-for-two-weekends-in-a-row-and-all-I-hear-are-screams-kid-free-weekend? I don't know yet. I thought about going to a haunted house somewhere. I'm all about doing things by myself. I actually like it. But a haunted house? Yeah, perhaps not. I thought about visiting my friends in Dallas (Lavon) but only one of them has come to visit me so I think I should go on strike. Maybe I'll catch up on that Season 2 & 3 of True Blood, or all my other shows on DVR, or maybe I'll go to Town Lake and rent a Kayak.....probably not, I bet you could hear the music from there. Or maybe I'll just work.
Ok, I feel better for the pity party. It's done now. :-) It just sucks and I hope that someday, they get a dose of what goes around comes around (which also has me wondering, wth did I do? when? and to whom?)
And fyi, don't leave your purse in your car....even if you drive a minivan, even if you're only going in for a second, even if you're in Amarillo, even if you think it's well hidden.......and if you do, leave your car unlocked so you don't have to pay for a broken window.
Lol.
P.S. Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is a chain wallet. Tell the Mrs. to hold off on the Snuggie for my birthday.
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