Wishing for someday

Me to my brother via text: Yeah, well somedays I feel like I'm going to just break. Perhaps, today.
Him back to me via text: Someday we will look back and laugh.

With that said, here's to wishing it were someday.....here's my cup of broken emptiness barely held up, tears filling up my eyes so much that I can hardly see the computer screen to type this, in one blink, tears will stream down my cheeks and fall on my lap....my lap, where my gray Banana Republic dress pants have icing stains from a kid who decided he didn't want the purple cupcake today at the Halloween party, the chili cheese blob that dripped out of the burrito while we grabbed dinner en route on the way to church, and the saggy backside from sitting at my desk all day long......heart pounding, head throbbing, big fucking cheers to someday.

I've learned in the course of the last year that I tend to push people away when I get like this. Not that it happens often, but I do. I feel like I carry the world on my shoulders most days and God forbid I show signs of weary or even a fucking breaking point because that, is failure. And so many women in my shoes bitch and moan about how hard life is and I'm going to be the exception. I'm going to prove that I can do this and do it well. Fail. Epic fail. It's fucking hard and I hate my life right now. And those tears mentioned only a paragraph before are now sobs. That stream of tears is now 3 streams of tears. My face is flooding. "They" say sometimes a good cry does the mind, body, and soul good but I fight it. I used to be such an emotionally raw person. And aside from remembering the exact date, I can almost tell you exactly the moment I became cold. Kevin and I were fighting once and the fight was because I was feeling neglected as a wife. Nothing sexual. Just attention. So, I was telling him how sad I felt and I remember him saying to me this, "And quit w/ the fucking tears, Khaki, they don't work with me. Your tears mean jack shit." And I can play the echo in my head...."my tears mean jack shit.....my tears mean jack shit...."

So, every fight after that became anger driven instead of expressing sadness, I expressed anger. And he shuts down at anger. Here I sit, feeling broken.....and wouldn't ya know, 10 years on this day I was dressed beautifully in my wedding gown vowing to Kevin til death do us part that I would honor, cherish, blah fucking blah......and today, I sit here divorced.

I'm not sad that I'm divorced. Because being married to Kevin was toxic. Let's face it, if I were feeling sad today, while married, my tears would mean jack shit, right? But I have this emptiness inside and my mind wishes for someone that my tears would matter to.....or does it really? I'm not sure that's it either. I don't cry often. I've only cried a handful of times since my divorce but lately, I feel like I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Like I can't get a grip on anything. Plans constantly falling through, kids acting insane, just life has all of a sudden become unmanageable for me. I don't know where to start so that I can regroup. I give so much of myself to everyone else and when I take time for me, I feel guilty.

Today we had this 4 hour team building meeting. We were given a homework assignment on Monday that we had to list 3 qualities about each person on our team and share them at the meeting. So, there are 7 people on my team. We have 17 accountants but only 7 report to my direct boss. So, out of everyone on the team, I'm the one that everyone said was, "Cheerful, Happy, Funny, Witty, Awesome sense of humor, Always so positive, Motivating, Awe-inspiring, Admirable, Caring, Compassionate, Creative, Makes me laugh daily, Breath of fresh air, No matter how much she has on her plate or how overworked she is always smiling."  Seriously, have we met? I've worked there a year now. Good game, Khaki. (eyeroll) I hear that alot....about my smile and about my sense of humor. Well, at least I can make other people laugh.

I just wish I knew my purpose. I find it really hard to believe that I was put on this fucking earth to sit in an office and crunch numbers all day. I remember Jodi, SOX Compliance Director at Fogo, asking me to footnote some financials once. I figured it out, thanks to Google. And dropped the files back to her office and she said, "No, send them to Pricewaterhouse to this address." Ummm, wow, she didn't even want to look at them. Send them straight to the auditors, huh? Then a few weeks later, she got the audit report back and there were no corrections to be done. She tells me, "you're such a natural at this, Khaki. I've never seen anything like it." Ok, Jodi, who has a double CPA, one from South Africa which is the hardest one to get, and one from the U.S. that everyone I know w/ a CPA has failed at least once before obtaining those three glorious letters after their name called me, Khaki, the girl who bullshits her way through most things, "a natural" when it comes to accounting. HA! Do people even know this girl? The one I see in the mirror everyday? I mean, really.

Behind all this bullshit is someone that wants more in life. I'm not right. Something about me just isn't right lately and I can't figure it out.

Another funny, a boy (I call them that because I can and feel like it) asked me to be his girlfriend this week. He's pretty enamored with me. I keep telling him, "Hi, I'm Khaki, have we met? I have 3 kids." He doesn't have children, is 28, a'ight looking, nice guy, funny, very smart, witty, and charming.....so why aren't I interested in him? I don't know. I tell my friends about him and they say, "Wow, go for it." He lives in Houston, which if you think about it, could be a great set-up. He wouldn't be up my ass every day. I only have every other weekend free to date anyway, right? Houston could be fun. Give me something to look forward to? No, bullshit. It's not that I find something wrong w/ everyone I meet. I think its that I'm not interested in dating, period. I'm not. At all. I used to be so eager when my phone would light up or go off or blink and now, I don't care.

Me and my friend Carly were talking about being that "someday girl" to someone. You know, the girl that is just perfect....someday. So, that guy, Tim, that asked me to be his girlfriend said to me, "I'm not looking for someday girl. I want to snatch you up before someone else does. I want you as my right now girlfriend."

Someday girl desires to laugh right now.

In fact, Saturday night, I'm going by myself to Cap City Comedy Club to see Gary Guhlman. Because I want to laugh. So badly, I desire to laugh. I'm hoping for gut wrenching hurt so fucking hard laughter....like I had at the Haunted House a few weeks ago w/ Jillian.

Anyway, the tears are gone and its time for a shower. Here's to somefuckingday....when someday girl can someday look back at today and laugh.........someday.