Here I sit singing at the top of my lungs in my little office inside my apartment, spotless, laundry done, and a freshly baked chocolate cake....all to myself. I have had an interesting reflective weekend. Much needed to say the least. Braden didn't come. He said his grandmother had a stroke so he drove to Amarillo. It worked out better actually. I had a great weekend tagging along w/ my sister and brother in law to random places. They're so funny. They point out any guy that would appear to be single. Then they try to coach me on approaching him. And witnessing their coupledom in and of itself is humorous. I hope they stay together forever. They seem to complement each other well. I guess people thought of me and Kevin like that at one time though. Anyway, I've realized some things about dating this weekend given I had a dateless weekend.
First, I have to mention that TN and Joe allowed me to tag along w/ them on Saturday. We went to San Marcos where Joe's childhood buddy, Ryan, was having a birthday party for his son, Gavin. Gavin was turning 6. Gavin has cerebral palsy and could NOT be cuter. I met Ryan a year ago at my sister's wedding. He was one of the groomsmen. I remember at the rehearsal dinner, I was a bit of a wreck, with my boys at a fancier restaurant, party of like 30 so there was a lot of waiting, and it was late, I was amidst divorce so it was one of my first outings solo. Ryan walked over, reached into his pocket, handed Kasyn a package of crayons. I couldn't have been more relieved. I thanked him. At any rate, Ryan is a very charming, good looking, single dad of two boys. Gavin is now 6 and Austen is 10. We went to the party at a bowling alley. Just watching him interact w/ his kids was heart warming. The mom has nothing to do w/ her children. To me, I don't get it. It blows my mind how someone could NOT have anything to do with their children and these boys are SO sweet. I helped Austen get better fitting shoes. He was so polite. Gavin was a bit shy. He walks w/ braces on his legs and crutches on both arms, at 6. I must admit, I wanted to baul like a baby watching Ryan bowl w/ his boys. Too many emotions, the fact that my children couldn't be more healthy....how undeserving I feel sometimes, the single dad factor, the fact that it woudn't have mattered if they were at Main Event or this podunk Sunset Bowl, bowling alley..they were having an awesome time. I talked to his mom and other guests of the party. I love people. I love learning about people. And yeah, I'll be honest, Ryan is easy on the eyes so I was nervous. That coupled with the fact that TN and Joe brought me there on purpose made me feel a bit on display. There was a point where I talked to Ryan and TN says we were both nervous acting. Anyway, he just seemed like a good ol' country boy having a good time w/ his boys. Very endearing.
Now, on to the subject of the blog, when my divorce was final, I think I said yes to every man who asked me to dinner, just to regain some weird sense of value, and again recently over the last several weeks. But that method has lost its appeal, and I've decided I'd rather go to the gym, lay out by the pool, rent a movie, sing to myself, hope and wish great things about my future. You know how you sit and ponder what you would do if you won the lottery? That's what I do about my future mate. I wonder what he'll look like, what we'll do, where we'll go, when I'll meet him. It's better that sitting across from a stranger meal after meal, drink after drink, coffee after coffee. I've had some dinners and conversations with some really great guys. I've also had some very weird conversations that have led me to believe that I've lost time I can never regain. Thank goodness there are lessons to be learned or it really would be a lost cause.
I'm convinced that it's going to take a very good, generous, healthy, strong man to wrap his arms around my life and my children. And that, my dears, is worth waiting for. I've come to know a few things for sure: One, this is the best life I have ever known. Even struggling with finding content in my career, struggling financially, dating woes, and lack of having the ultimate best friend, it's still the best life I've ever known. I'm in a good place and I'm not desperate. I'm very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart. I have plenty to keep me busy. Kids to raise. A home to make beautiful. A heart that wants to enjoy every single day and pay attention to the blessings around me. There are people to serve and a great big world to see. I'm not waiting to live while I wait on someone's love. I'm becoming more and more OK with this no-amazing-man-relationship place that I'm in. I actually think it's working to the advantage of me and the boys.
Not to mislead anyone, but I love to be held, desire to be desired, would love to be cared for, have adult conversation at the end of the day. I also get tired of being strong, and it sucks to make major life decisions alone, moreover, make EVERY decision alone. So, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation. I'm just in no hurry.
My dating lessons have come in a clumsy effort to find balance. Maybe I'll be a single mom with a date every once in a while, or maybe I won't. But the bar is set high now. I'm holding out for a special man. I work with a bunch of people married and/or in relationships and honestly, most days, provide them entertainment. The guys get a kick out of my stories, mostly because I'm a weird-man magnet. Braden says I'm too picky. Some of my other friends would agree. Here's the thing. Define picky. What about those women who aren't picky? EEK! Picky doesn't resolve that I'm snooty or aspire the unattainable. And if asking the guys that think I'm picky, if I were their sister, would they want me to be picky? The answer is yes. They wouldn't want me settling for any old man out of convenience.
I think it's mandatory to expect more. I have several lives to consider here. If I'm going to bring another man into the lives of my children, not to mention all of our hearts, he damn well better be worth it. One thing I can't get my brother to understand is that I know I have my whole life in front of me. The anticipation is thrilling. Meanwhile, I'm having a nice time going to dinner every once in a while. I'm trying to consciously use this time to examine my desires, balancing both the realistic and the dreamy. Observing what goes on around me. Watching how other women have chosen and how that turns out for them. Deciding what I like in a man and what I could learn to like. What matters most. I am more resolved than ever to keep the bar of my expectations securely bolted on the higher pegs. And if I never reach that bar, so be it, I will be single. So what?
The raised bar looks like this: He's already prepackaged, before-he-gets-to-me happy. I'm not saying he can't ever be sad or disappointed or grumpy. And I don't mean artificial happy (JR). I mean someone who is making peace with his childhood disappointments or the rejection he has known or the failures he's endured, not moping, day after day. I want a man who is already full of enthusiasm without me. Someone stepping up and looking out at a bigger life to be lived. For lack of a better word, mostly happy. You see, I want to add to someone's happiness. I want to multiply happy. Share happy. I don't want to MAKE someone happy.
I learned a long time ago that people are happy because they choose to be happy. People are content and pleasant because they've done the hard work to become consistent in countenance and purpose. And a guy that "has potential" is not for me either. He needs to already be there. Already pursuing his calling, operating in many of his strengths, full of decision and passion and having his own adventure. I'd prefer someone who is already living his amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman. We all have unrealized potential that waiting to explode amid the right circumstances, perhaps even the right relationship, but in my 30s with children in tow, would prefer someone who has already realized his potential for the most part.
There's no way to downplay or hide the obvious. I am 4 people. We 4 are a lot. We are loud, silly, busy, eat a lot, get more clothes dirty than should be allowed, laugh until we're annoying, and even cry. Sometimes we fight, throw things, and get down right mean and ugly. There's always something when you are 4 people. Always. Always something to do or someone to love or something to endure together. And even when I'm alone, like this weekend....I'm still 4 people. I think for 4, believe for 4, and fight for the hearts of 4. It can't be changed or undone. That's why my standards are high. There's so much little stuff when you're 4 people. Stingy men need not apply. The self-centered will be disappointed. If you ever needed to be sure that it's not all about you, step into my world and watch life happen for a few. Every day I am more and more convinced; it's not about me. Imperfections tend to be magnified when you are 4 people. Big ol' me and 3 little ol' kind-of-like-me's. All of which are a work in progress, non having arrived to our final destination yet. We're going to need someone with a ridiculous kind of love. Rockstar love, actually.
So, to my brother, who wonders why I'm in such a hurry dating. I'm not. I can't scream it any louder. I'm learning and waiting and figuring out what I want and what my standards are. Having not dated post divorce, I would not know or have concluded any of these things. I can confess that I would like to share life with someone at some point. I would. If he comes, he'll be everything I want and more. If he never comes, there wasn't one good enough for me and 3 and I'm cool with that. Just know that my bar is high and it should be.
I took a spin class today. I knew it was going to be hard. I was very nervous about it. My sister always has been this physical monster. Endurance like no other, pushes herself beyond her human capacity10 fold, and it has always been an admirable characteristic of her's. Today, there we sit side by side on these bikes. Wowzie. For an entire hour, I peddled and peddled and sweat and sweat. And all the while any exertion I had was actually doubled in Tennessee. She's a freakin machine. No bullshit. Then we did some weights and went and ate turkey sandwiches. I came home and listened to church on the internet since I missed it going to the gym, uploaded some playlists on my iPod, went to the pool, laid out and read, people watched, went to the evening service at church, went to another single mom's house and had dinner, came home, made a chocolate cake, and blogged.
Throughout all this reflectiveness, I've cried. I've missed my old life but am so hopeful that a new, better life is waiting for me, an amazing life. And sure, I've missed Kevin but today he really pissed me off. And sometimes that really helps me not miss him. He was throwing a birthday party for Kyan. Did he even mention it to me? Nope. Did I get invited? Not no, but hell no. In fact, when I told him today via text that he could've invited me, not that I would've come but that I invited him to the twins bday and will always try to include him in anything I have planned for them, he said to me, "Why would you expect that I would invite you?" Gee, moron, I don't know, maybe because those boys are mine whether you like it or not. Maybe because any issues you may have with me are between me and you (or perhaps even just you and you) and not them. Any of them. They didn't ask for this. You did though. Oh yes, you did. So you can't invite me to a birthday party. But yet, we had to invite Caitlin to all of Britt's parties? What's so different? Interesting.
Back to dreaming of my amazing life.......thank God for music, not sure I'd be sane w/o it.
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