So, anyone that knows me knows that I am currently estranged from my brother and mother. This is only relevant in that something my brother has said to me amidst a 4 am text war several months back lingers in my head quite often. Rather than defend this accusation, I am constantly trying to explore it.
The text: "You have the wrong kind of pride, Khaki."
Okay, so I do not feel now is the time for a debate on our estrangement as it has nothing to do with this blog. That would lead to a chicken before the egg or vice versa kind of debate. With that said, I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong kind of pride. I do know that whatever my issue is...I'm not proud of it nor do I know how to correct it.
One thing I do not like to talk about with people is money. I am learning though that even those that look monetarily wealthy on the outside, aren't necessarily so. Or in some cases, they lack the riches that make someone a good person so monetary wealth is irrelevant.
I am a single mom. Duh, right? I live paycheck to paycheck. Even on paper, where things appear so much better than they really are, things are bleak. I did incur a large rent increase by moving into this house earlier this year but I don't regret it. I knew things would be tight. I knew it would prolong a situation of living paycheck to paycheck. It was worth it and still is. The boys and I had to get out of the apartment lifestyle. Honestly, while I love this little house and it is perfect for us at this time in our lives, I can't help but think of it as temporary. I can't help but drive through the "rich" neighborhoods and picture myself living there someday. I make sure not to post any pictures on instagram or facebook that actually show my house....why? Wrong kind of pride, maybe? At the end of the day it doesn't matter what my house looks like, right? My house is a cute 3 bedroom brick home in a nice subdivision in a great school district. Those superficial asses that think I'm less of a person or less of a mom that don't like my house that I'm "just renting" can kiss my ass, right? Why do I care? I do not receive any financial help. I do get child support and while I couldn't make ends meet without it, it also does NOT substantiate a sufficient lifestyle raising 3 boys. I make decent money, honestly. If I were single without dependents, I'd be doing pretty well. Back to paycheck to paycheck living....
I knew Christmas was going to be small. I had convinced the boys that Jesus only got 3 gifts and so would they. I had also sent a Christmas wish list to my former in-laws a mile long so as to capture all of their wants and had no idea they would buy damn near every single thing on it.
I get paid the 15th and the last day of the month. This last stretch was entirely too long. Long story short, the boys only got 2 gifts from me. I felt so bad after Christmas yesterday that at Walmart last night while grocery shopping, I got them each a little something. By little, I really mean little. Ky got a HALO lego dude. Kam got a new box of markers. Kasyn got a micro-nano car pack. Each thing was less than $5.
I won a $50 Visa gift card at the company Christmas party a few weeks ago. When I won and went up to the front, Jamie made sure to reach to the bottom of the stack and hand me one of the heftier gift cards. I know she did this on purpose. Joyce, a fellow coworker's name was called at the same time mine was and she got a $25 Randall's card. Anyway, here I am broke, juggling my bills, trying to manage disconnect notices as they come and find myself up against a wall. I hate December!! My dad was coming to Austin for Christmas and had heard that I had been a good girl this year and asked what I wanted. I told him that I wanted a grocery trip. Just a good ol' regular grocery trip would suffice. He wrote back, "No problem." I just assumed that when he hit town a day or two before the boys we'd go grocery shopping. I'd have food for the week that I'm home with the boys after New Year's. Besides, my birthday is late January so I can always wish for something greater then. Well, Dad didn't come to Austin. He wasn't feeling great and it had snowed. He just wanted to get back home. I instantly thought, "Omg, what about the groceries?" I told Dad it wasn't a big deal and I knew I would manage. I just wished I could retrieve that check to the electric company that I had dropped in the night drop the night before, damnit. If only I could get paid a few days early, grrrrrr. If only I was the recipient of some refund check that I had long forgotten about. Not the case. I had a debit card set up with the intent of starting to save some money. Each paycheck I have alotted $100 to this debit card. Well, I've had the damn thing for over a month and finally the direct deposit went through. Two days before payday, THANK YOU GOD! Woo-hoo, I'm rich. I have a $50 gift card and $100 on a debit card that I can go grocery shopping with. We just need breakfast foods, like a week's worth of dinners, snacks, and we should be good to go. I explained to the boys that they really do not need to distract me and that this is a small trip. So, Kyan and I are adding everything up as we go. We start to get to $90's before we even get halfway through the store. I don't so much care about entertainment money and am perfectly content in holing up in our house as long as there is food to eat. I start to think of what we can put back. There is this huge lump in my throat. I start to sweat. I get really short with the boys and as I take inventory of our cart, I don't know what to put back. Nothing is really a splurge or unnecessary. We buy store brands where we can as it is.
We make it to the dairy section and grab what few items are on my list. I start to do the math in my head, the last few aisles I've lost count. Kyan reminds me, "We're at $92. Kasyn, what's the number on that cheese?" Kasyn doesn't know. Ky gets mad at him and starts to yell, "We may not have money for your batteries. HOW MUCH IS THE CHEESE??" The only thing Kasyn wants to know is, "Is this the cheese that you can rip apart in strings." Me, sweating, I can hear my heartbeat in my head, noises all around seem muffled. Is this a panic attack? We go to the toy section where I have promised the boys a little token of a final Christmas present. Batteries for the track I got Kasyn are $6.87. Really? Almost $7 for batteries and I really only need 2, not 4. The boys get excited when they see a 4 pack of these little cars is on sale for half off. Well, that would be the better deal but I'm in panic mode and trying not to let the kids see it. I can only afford the 2 pack. Kasyn was an easy sell this time (whew)...not the usual. All boys have their token gifts in tow and I think, "Did I add that pot roast? Was that cheese $3.47 or $2.24?" Kasyn reminds me that we need a lightbulb for the stove. We go to the lightbulb aisle. How much is an appliance lightbulb? Almost $4? All of a sudden I feel like I am in the wrong era. Really, I don't need a lightbulb. We approach the checkout and I'm trying to find the cashier that looks most like an understanding, sympathetic, sweet old lady..just in case my math is off. I do not see one at all. I am in line behind a older couple and I'm almost paralyzed. I am sick. I want to vomit. My math isn't right. I just know it. The boys are talking about how they're going to crash their cars into each other on the 2nd loop of the track and how they can't wait to put the batteries in. I'm thinking, "Why did I buy that stupid track that takes friggin' batteries?"
Something comes over me and I pull out of line and start to walk away assuming the boys will follow. They don't. I said, "I forgot something, guys, come on." Ky stays in our place in line (about 3 people behind him) said, "We have enough stuff, Mom. We're already over $100 and we only have $150." A piece of me died inside. I marched onward. When we get to the meat freezer I lean down and whisper to Kyan not to say anything about our money out loud. That it embarrasses me. That we were at $142 last time I counted and I just think we should put something back before we get to the checkout with a million people staring at us. I start to cry. My eyes well up with tears. He has no idea why I'm sad. I wished we had never come to the store. I dig to the bottom of my cart and start to put the pot roast back, then the pork chops, then the hamburger meat. Ky said, "I wanted the roast. I'll eat the veggies too, Mom." I told him that I would make him a roast after payday. What he doesn't know is that this is payday and it has come and gone and this stuff has to last us awhile. He starts to offer to put other stuff in the cart back. He reaches for the Capri Sun. I said, "No, Kyan, that's $1.88. That can stay. This pot roast kit was almost $15, pork chops were almost $4, the hamburger meat was almost $5. I think we'll be okay now." He nods like he understands. The twins don't understand at all and Kasyn said something in that moment that made me want to break for the door. "We like that. We eat that at Daddy's."
My thought process, "FUCK DADDY AND HIS POT ROAST AND THE $60 A MONTH HE IS SHORT CHANGING ME BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL!! YOUR DAD HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO SUPPORT THREE GROWING BOYS. FUCK DADDY AND HIS DUAL INCOME HOUSEHOLD!!! FUUUUUUCCCKKKKK DADDDDDDDYYYYYYY."
Ok, calm down, Khaki...Kasyn doesn't know his Daddy is a piece of shit. Those thoughts leave my head. Back to our very own version of Reverse Supermarket Sweep.....where instead of gathering the most expensive items and racing to the check-out, we put back the most expensive items and slowly make our way to the checkout.
Self check-out....here we go. I have never been a cashier. I'm a little slow and my hands are shaking. I'm still sweating. It is ridiculously cold outside, btw. No reason to be sweating. Ky is helping me unload the basket. Kasyn is jumping around and leaning on the bagging area making it yell at us and accuse us of not bagging half of our items. The hispanic older lady attendant cashier person has already come over to our register 4x. I felt like such poverty. I take a glance at the screen and we're at $101. Holy shit, how did this happen? Kyan looks at it and at me and whispers, "Almost done." I say, "Something is wrong. Please contain Kasyn right now!" As I pause and there is a line of about 5 people waiting for a vacant check-out. They're all staring at me. I can feel it. Having to holler at Kasyn is NOT diverting the attention from me. I keep picking priority stuff off the belt first but it's all priority stuff really. It's FOOD. Kyan says, "Mom, that's $151. We went over." I said, "It's okay. I know." I slip that garlic bulb back into a box of Trident on the gum shelf above me. We don't need garlic. I reach for my gift card and my debit card. I try the gift card first. It declines. My heart is racing. Ky is asking questions. I snap at him. People are waiting. The light is now flashing for the attendent to come over. It is clear that this lady cannot afford her groceries. I start to cry. I ask the lady where the gift card option is. She says you can't check out there, we have to checkout over here. I said, "Do you have to re-ring all of this stuff?" She says, "Yes, come with me." She cancels the transaction, we take our stuff over to another area. I want to die. I want the floor to swallow me whole. Why didn't I just grab a box of twinkies and a rotisserie chicken and worry about the week of food we need LATER?
She scans the barcode on the receipt and low and behold it all rings up by itself. Yeah, duh Khaki. It's almost 2013. Anyway, we were able to complete the transaction using the debit card and the gift card and to cover the $3.01 that was remaining, I used the stash of $2 bills in my wallet. Then we leave. Kasyn says, "That took too long!! Why are you sad, Mom?" Uncontrollable tears fell down my face. Ky grabs my hand, "Are you mad?" Through clinched teeth I say, "I just want to go home."
We unload and get settled and the boys are loving this racetrack (that is very loud when it has batteries) and shortly thereafter an hour or so, they fell asleep where they fell and I broke down on the couch praying that I would NEVER have to experience that again.
I was most recently conversing with a guy in San Antonio named Tim. We didn't even meet and he pissed me off royally. He made a comment about marrying him and him becoming a stay at home husband. He also made a comment unrealted to the aforementioned conversation about me finding a rich man or marrying my ex for money. I'm not sure what his intent on saying shit like that was and I'm sure it was in jest but deep down it pissed me off. Because you see, I have this pride issue....of the "wrong" kind....and despite my financial situation, I don't want ANYONE taking care of me but I'll be damned if I want to support someone else. I'm sure he is financially independent. I wish it didn't bother me so much. I realize that no one at that Walmart last night is thinking about that woman at the checkout lane who had to move all her stuff to require assistance at check-out nor do they know that I stashed a few dry goods amidst the gum because I was over my spend limit. I bet Kyan remembers it. I'm not sure if that's necessarily a bad thing though. If I am ever in a position to help out a legitimately struggling mom that is trying to do the right thing.....it just won't stretch enough, I will. For sure.
It shouldn't be this hard. I get tired of thinking about it and juggling. I'm counting down the days until I get my tax refund and can get caught up again. I hate this about me and a small piece of me thinks that if I blog about it, it will reveal a truth about me and help someone else or validate someone else's own issues. Whew. It won't be like this forever......it can't be like this forever.
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