Bitchology 101

I don't even know where to start. First let me vent about my day and then I'll get to the juicy stuff.

So, I take Ky and Kasyn in for their fillings today. I let Kam skip school too. I've got a boy in 2 rooms. There I go back and forth to comfort and alleviate the fears of each of them. And really, I need to pee so bad that the rain tapping on the window of the dental room is more than unwelcomed. There's nothing like being a mother and having the opportunity to truly rescue or comfort your child. Its in those moments you know your purpose and value. I know my kids better than anyone. I'd even go as far as saying I know them better than their father. When I looked at Kyan as they were lowering the chair, I could see fear. We just looked at each other and our gaze did not break until they put the mask over his face. His hands were clinched on the chair and I slid my two fingers in his grasp. His legs instantly relaxed. Then I see the dentist go into Kasyn's room. "Oh shit, Kasyn!" I call for Kamdyn to come sit with Kyan. I go have the EXACT same experience that I just had with Kyan in Kasyn's room. With Kyan, I learned that he is still such a little guy. I sometimes think I put too much weight on his little shoulders asking him to do too much or to step up when I don't ask the same of his twin brothers. I learned that Kasyn is the opposite. Not quite the baby that I think he is. He had the same fear and locked eyes with me but he nodded at me like, "I'm good, Mom." He did ask where Kamdyn (his twin) was and that was cute. I finally did slip out and go to the restroom. So, after a track meet of back and forths between the two rooms, we're almost done. Kyan doesn't feel well. I can tell he's very odd looking, clammy, tearful, and starts to reach for me. The nurse won't let him off the oxygen. I sat with him. I put his flip flops back on and stroked his arm letting him know I was there. He threw the mask off and climbed into my lap. The nurse said it was fine and we joined Kamdyn and Kasyn in his room. Kasyn sits up and starts to wimper and then Kyan falls down over the chair and onto my lap. Kamdyn turns to the sink and pukes. Me and the nurse are distraught and look at each other like WTF?!?!? I scoop up Kyan she puts him on oxygen and with a cold rag, Sprite, and goldfish. I take Kasyn and am having him suck on a rag (he bit a chunk out of his tongue) and I have Kam laying on the floor refusing to get up. After our moments to collect ourselves we make it to the car. It's pouring COLD rain. There is a nice stream in the parking lot. It is inevitable we're going to get wet. I don't care, just get me home. I have them hang onto my shirt, purse, pants pocket as we bolt to the car. Kyan loses his flip flops and they take off in that stream. He goes after them despite that I'm yelling at him that we'll buy more. Kasyn is trying to catch rain in his mouth. Kamdyn is whining because the rain is cold and "hurting" him. Shoot me. We are beyond Calgon. This is my day off. This is what I save PTO days for. Shoot me twice. Things calm down as we get closer to home and I realize its lunch time. We need to eat. We stop and eat at IHOP. I just signed the check and look at Kasyn who has blood all over his face and its in his mouth. Calmly, I hand Kyan my phone, move Kamdyn to his side of the booth and tell Kasyn we're going to the bathroom. I tell Kyan to play with my phone and don't move. I gave the waitress that look that says, "We have issues, I need a sec, be right back." Kasyn is terrified of blood. I sat him on the counter in the bathroom. I ask him to spit  in the sink. I winced. He looked at me and asked if that was the strawberry syrup he used on his pancakes. I laugh. "Yeah Bud, but its all over your mouth." He says, "It tastes like blood." I laugh again. Anyway, I get him all cleaned up from what would look like he ate shards of glass to a little boy sucking on a nasty dried brown papertowel. And we depart only to embark on a trip to Half Price Books where my oldest son is glad to be alive and Target where I finally got those Converse I wanted.

Converse. $34.99 one star All Star Converse, grey, size 9.5 that I have wanted for almost a year. Yes, I'm THAT simple. You know what else is on my "wish list"...ripped jeans. I can't find them anywhere. Not that fit right anyway. But I would say I'm a ripped jeans and Converse type of girl, yes. Now, my closest friends may convict me by saying this purchase was a result of reading Fifty Shades of Grey (not mommy porn....okay, maybe it is...maybe I don't care) because the main character is a cons and jeans kind of girl...eh, whatever.

So with that segway, let me let you in on what the last 9 days of online dating have been like. DO NOT JUDGE ME. Yeah, online dating. How in the hell else am I supposed to meet someone? HEB? No. Chuck E. Cheese? No. Traffic on MoPac as I cruise the streets in my minvan? Umm, no. A bar? Smh.

So, I had some decent luck the last time I was on match.com. No regrets really. I feel the email exchanges weed out and save some time. I saw a commercial one lonely Saturday and said, "WTH?" I saw on said commercial that you could search for free and I thought, okay. Let's just see what's out there. Well you have to set up a damn profile first. Okay, load some fabulous pics, write a lil jig about how great I am and what I'm looking for, done. Now, search.

Searching....still looking. After a few hours, I'm thinking this is not good. Cute faces but really, am thinking these men do not have friends. Definitely not chick friends because I would tell Braden and Erich in about 2 seconds NOT to EVER take or post a picture of themselves shirtless in a bathroom mirror. Or ever buy Affliction anything. That SCREAMS, "Hello, I'm a douchebag. See me now?"  I went to bed that evening so glad I didn't pay for the membership and it only confirmed my contentedness in my singledom.

Oh but what's this..as my email pings...."He's Interested!"  I can't view his profile because I now am presented with the option to pay/subscribe. I go back to sleep. Before I know it, my profile has been viewed over 156 times and I have 20 something "He's Interested" and a few emails pending. OMG, Khaki is getting attention. I'm giddy. I'm excited. Who likes me? What are they saying? What the hell does a wink mean?

After 2 more days of this I cave. I succumb to the wonderland that isn't Match.com. Ha! I don't know where to start. Winks, matches, interesteds, viewed me's, or emails....

Emails. Ok, so I have one guy that is easy on the eyes in a Vanilla Ice kind of way. Looks about 25 and reminds me of my waiter at Waterloo so much that I laugh and click his profile. Ohhhh, he's 37. okay. This DB proceeds to give me a "You are gorgeous. I would love to chat with you sometime" email. I write back, "Thanks for the compliment" and then I get, "I hope you are as sexy as you are sexual. How big are your nipples? I love big nipples. If you're free this weekend, I'd love to explore your body more. I'm sorry if that's too forward. I like sex. I think we are all physical beings. Why waste time with all this emailing? Let's cut to the chase." To which I respond, "Oh wow, I didn't expect that. Have you tried Plenty of Fish? I hear its great for those kinds of hook-ups but please, do tell, surely you haven't EVER gotten a response to this shit??" Then he asks me for pics and I tell him I'm not THAT girl. Now, I haven't heard from him in 4 days. Thank you.

Next guy: "Has kids but they do not live at home (2)" ...oh even better...he can understand what I clearly stated in my profle as "must understand my schedule"....his profile is witty and sarcastic but kind of dark feeling. In the back of my mind I wonder why he's divorced. He writes something odd and I write a snarly response back. He engages for a few days and after about 3 emails is asking me when my next kidfree weekends are....because if I don't go on a date with him soon, I "will have to wait until September"....uhmm, bullshit. I am not waiting for shit, actually. So, I blow him off. Whatever. He still sends me emails asking about my day and his humor has lightened and he seems eager....but I'm not.

Then there was this really sweet guy but after talking to some of my closest friends about my red flags or vibes I got from him....we decided he was too eager. And it made me uncomfortable. If I don't text you back immediately, you do not need to send the search party or ask me if everything is okay. Yes, its 845 in the morning. I responded to you as I was getting on the elevator and now I'm conversing with all my coworkers while we wait for coffee to brew about how lame my weekend was. I sent him an email letting him know this bothered me (among other things) which is a first for me. Boundaries. Check.

One guy named Caleb could be my newest best friend. He has the best profile. He's 5'11", brown eyes, looks like Keanu Reeves if you squint your eyes, is military (Army), but his profile goes like this, "I'm 6ft 2 inches, 2 years older than you, piercing blue eyes, your mother loves me" and it goes on from there with all the things one would hope to be the "Perfect" profile when really, it isn't like him at all. It made me laugh so hard. I read it twice and emailed him how funny it was. We text and are clearly friends. He is 27 and wants kids but on the selection where it says if its okay if your partner has kids he says No. He's not an option for me but we texted back and forth last night about what kind of feedback I was getting on there. He assumed my inbox was flooded and that I was probably booked with dates through July. I informed him otherwise. He couldn't believe it AND apologized on behalf of the male species. It was cute/funny.

I see a TON of "Never Married" and in their 30s which I find kind of odd. Not that I want to jump into some dude's baggage but wow....and if I have to read "I like to workout" one more time, I may scream. Or, "I work hard but play harder"..... Sure, there is some definite eye candy on there but uhm, why do you allocate an entire paragraph narrating your gym schedule. I don't know, it just seems a little high maintenance. Definitely not a ripped jeans and converse type guy....if you know me, you know I can totally bring sexy back too when necessary but this stuff is cuh-razy. Do not envy me right now.

Hindsight is 20/20 and I think I'm content in...oh wait, my phone just pinged. I have a match.com notification...wait for it....omg, I don't even get a tinge of excitement anymore. It's Vanilla Ice asking, "So, you wanna meet up or what?" Part of me wants to snap back with a raging feminist response but I'll refrain. I wrote, "No thanks."

I'm good. This solidifies my contentedness in waiting....forever....as I take two more fig newtons out of my pantry and scuffle to bed in my unmatched yoga pants that have never been worn to yoga and my shir that is way too big....because I can. Because I'm not worried about having obligatory coffee with some meat head that works out 5 or more times a week wearing an Affliction shirt taking pics of himself in his bathroom mirror....who has his shorts draped over the shower curtain rod.

Yep, all good.  :-)