So, after this weekend w/ Braden, I've been in a funk. I had an amazing weekend, actually. I just don't know what I want from our relationship. And not sure I have a choice really. One minute I think I have finally found my guy best friend. Then I think I like him...LIKE him, like him. On the fence. And as soon as I think I would date him, I remember my sister saying that when you know, you'll know early. Really? I can't say I knew that w/ Kevin. I know we're just talking about dating but I don't get a giddy butterfly feeling around Braden. I get a very comfortable feeling. I can't explain it really.
Boys are stupid, we should throw rocks at all of them. Even Brian, my buddy at work who saves my ass and points out the obvious w/o making me feel like an idiot.....who also makes me laugh my ass off. :-) Like I told him today, he's like the big brother I never wanted. Boys are stupid, all of them.
My happy hour date w/ Ryan was a bomb, btw. I mean, he's nice, he inquired about me, we laughed, he's very attractive, but there just wasn't something there....I think he's too young. Perhaps a bit immature for me. Oh, I did laugh so hard it hurt when he made fun of a retarded kid though. I know, very bad, Khaki. For shame.
So, I can't figure Braden out at all. I'm tired of trying actually. I'm also tired of thinking about it/him. So, why can't I stop? Ugh, if I were friends w/ me, I'd punch me.
I had a very long post in my head all ready to write but am far too tired from all this running to type it up but perhaps I will this weekend.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Fat Camp
Ok, so long story long, l have a very special person that I'd say I loved more than most anyone...for the sake of anonymity, let's just call her Patty....dear sweet Patty has been begging me to play golf for about 2-3 years now. Sometimes this begging comes in the form of bragging. I'm not sure if she is trying to brag in hopes that my very competitive streak will bite the bait or what. She has graciously provided everything I need to take up said sport. Golf bag, brand new Nike golf shoes, clubs, even cute lil golfing outfits....but gee, I have so much free time on my hands that this isn't really possible. BUT did agree that I would play with her more and more as the kids were gone. We'd start hitting up the driving ranges, etc....because I'm no where NEAR golf course ready. Today, sweet Patty, almost cancelled lunch on me because she "wanted to be lazy".....so when I got the text message at 4:59pm that said, "not golfing, too hot" I was a bit skeptical given PATTY used to love Bikram yoga and yardwork and all kinds of things hot and sweaty....what's a bucket o' balls on a driving range at sunset....almost sounds like a sweet vision of mother/daughter time...oh, except my mother's name isn't Patty...it's PATricia. :-) Poor Patty had no idea I spent 2 hours of my afternoon trying to remember where I put those cute golf clothes or that I spent some time (can't believe I am going to admit this) googling which golf club you use at a driving range....and no, you don't just use your driver, duh (eye roll w/ a smile).
And most of you know that I recently took my first spin class, right? Yeah, I hated it. It sucked. If my precious little sister thinks that riding a stationary bike going nowhere fast for an hour in a room full of triatheletes, while listening to some crappy music and walking bowl legged for 3 days is fun and watching me do this motivates her, I'll do it. I'll take one for the team. I love her. I do.
Now, let's meet JY, for the sake of anonymity, of course. JY is a new friend of mine. Actually, a friend of my sister's I met a few weeks ago. You ever met someone that has on no makeup and is absolutely beautiful and when they say something about looking like crap or not having any make-up on, you want to just punch them in the face? That's JY. She is smart, successful, gorgeous, fit, no kids, unmarried, etc. She's my skinny bitch friend. :-) We're going to hunt us down some gay male friends and force them to be our BFFs. At any rate, I've agreed to do this Warrior Dash (google it) with JY, JY's friend whom I have yet to meet but am meeting on Sunday, and my sister who is an endurance machine. JY posted lovely pics of her on a boat this weekend, wake boarding, in a bikini.....made me sick a lil bit actually.
You see, I really don't give a shit that the scale says I weigh 152lbs. I don't care that some obesity chart says I should weigh 129-132lbs. I really don't. I do care that my divorce diet is no longer working. This has to be a great sign for my mental/emotional health but not so much my eating. I did not get up to 324lbs by hating food, I will admit. Yes, I used to weigh 324lbs, about 7 yrs ago. I lost 172lbs of that in a year's time. Yes, I had my guts re-routed but also became a gym whore. I spent countless hours in the gym with an amazing workout buddy and a personal trainer. THEN, I had my first son....THEN 20 months after him, I had my twins. I'm well aware of what I need to do to get my body back in shape. It's sad that it took a divorce and my sister having a baby to really get motivated to do it though. Lol.
I remember when I first started working out and Eric (Michael J. Fox lookalike personal trainer) would put the treadmill on 15 minutes and I would just die. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life. Everyday I would bribe myself w/ something like 10 minutes in the hottub if you finish your 15 minutes. Of course, I got to where I would do over an hour on the treadmill, weight circuits, etc, and it was nothing. I very vividly remember laughing at myself and having a conversation w/ my workout buddy reminiscing when 15 mins of WALKING on the treadmill would kill us. I came a long way in a year.
I love sports. I've played sports and been an athlete all my life. Really, soccer, volleyball, whatever. My favorite sport is racquetball. Something about chasing that damn bouncy ball all over that court, hitting it as hard as you can when you do finally make contact with it.....LOVE IT...I suck and I don't know the rules but I can wear the outfit and pull it off. I even have a fancy racquet that would lead one to believe I know what the hell I'm doing. What does it matter, I get red-faced, sweaty, and crave water aferward so it's doing something, right? :-D (yes, I'm kidding)
So, agreeing to train w/ some marathoners and compete in some obstacle course thingy made me go for a nice run today. I'm the type of person that does what I say I'm going to do. If I say I'm going to train w/ you, I will. Yeah, my body hates my brain sometimes. I realized while I was on my lil journey that you don't need a fancy gym membership or a sleepless night of watching the P90X infomercial to get off your ass and do something. You need this:
1) Motivation: a SB for a friend that posts pictures of herself in a bikini to remind you you won't look like that ever but try to come close, an email conversation w/ an ex husband that went awry, some sibling rivalry, a bad day at work, an old photo of yourself at 324lbs, a recent photo caught at a bad angle (to which your friend that posted it hasn't responded to your request to delete yet), the simple desire to be healthy and fit, whatever the case may be.
2) Spandex - wear something skin tight, something with a little pinch to it just to serve as a reminder, little love tug, that if you run a little harder or push yourself a little longer, these pants might just fall off in a few months...I opted for black yoga pants and a black tank top. Make sure you go when the sun is out so that you can see your shadow cast on the pavement running right next to you and all those "curves?" that are exploding out of your skin tight attire, are soon to fall off if you can run a little harder.
3) Parking lot - I can't run on terrain just yet. I have to stick to flat surfaces (says my PT for my hip) so I opted for a huge parking lot of an arena (high school football arena but we are in TX so trust me, it's huge). Make sure, if you can, that this parking lot is next to some apartments. That way you get so freakin paranoid that someone worth something is watching you. (yes, we are all worth something, I meant someone like oh, I dunno, Brad Cooper --I think that was the cute guy in that movie I watched this weekend).
4) Music - This music does not have to be fast or upbeat. Put the Ipod on shuffle and just keep moving. I prefer to run to Eminem, honestly but today I just let it shuffle. Shakira came on and I did a little dance move while I ran (only when out of view of the apts along the hedge line)...and it helped that her album cover is hot...as in sexy and yeah, what I'd give to have that body...I think at that point, I may have done my stint at sprinting...til it was over. John Mayer came on and well, he's my next ex-husband so of course I ran to his song, little slower, probably more like a Zone 2 AT (neen, laugh), Rod Stewart came on and I did a lunge walk....and had a visual of those mall walkers in Amarillo at Western Plaza, oh wait, Brad Cooper could be watching from that window, Khaki, you better run...c'mon look lik you do this all the time. Run the straights, walk the turns...shit, or did we always walk the straights, run the turns? :-D Use whatever song, sad, mad, happy, to keep you moving. I actually danced a little in my "run"....and for the record, and an hour and 11 minutes later, I stopped. Thank God one of my best friends left a bottle of water in the car. I don't care if it was a little warm.
And most of you know that I recently took my first spin class, right? Yeah, I hated it. It sucked. If my precious little sister thinks that riding a stationary bike going nowhere fast for an hour in a room full of triatheletes, while listening to some crappy music and walking bowl legged for 3 days is fun and watching me do this motivates her, I'll do it. I'll take one for the team. I love her. I do.
Now, let's meet JY, for the sake of anonymity, of course. JY is a new friend of mine. Actually, a friend of my sister's I met a few weeks ago. You ever met someone that has on no makeup and is absolutely beautiful and when they say something about looking like crap or not having any make-up on, you want to just punch them in the face? That's JY. She is smart, successful, gorgeous, fit, no kids, unmarried, etc. She's my skinny bitch friend. :-) We're going to hunt us down some gay male friends and force them to be our BFFs. At any rate, I've agreed to do this Warrior Dash (google it) with JY, JY's friend whom I have yet to meet but am meeting on Sunday, and my sister who is an endurance machine. JY posted lovely pics of her on a boat this weekend, wake boarding, in a bikini.....made me sick a lil bit actually.
You see, I really don't give a shit that the scale says I weigh 152lbs. I don't care that some obesity chart says I should weigh 129-132lbs. I really don't. I do care that my divorce diet is no longer working. This has to be a great sign for my mental/emotional health but not so much my eating. I did not get up to 324lbs by hating food, I will admit. Yes, I used to weigh 324lbs, about 7 yrs ago. I lost 172lbs of that in a year's time. Yes, I had my guts re-routed but also became a gym whore. I spent countless hours in the gym with an amazing workout buddy and a personal trainer. THEN, I had my first son....THEN 20 months after him, I had my twins. I'm well aware of what I need to do to get my body back in shape. It's sad that it took a divorce and my sister having a baby to really get motivated to do it though. Lol.
I remember when I first started working out and Eric (Michael J. Fox lookalike personal trainer) would put the treadmill on 15 minutes and I would just die. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life. Everyday I would bribe myself w/ something like 10 minutes in the hottub if you finish your 15 minutes. Of course, I got to where I would do over an hour on the treadmill, weight circuits, etc, and it was nothing. I very vividly remember laughing at myself and having a conversation w/ my workout buddy reminiscing when 15 mins of WALKING on the treadmill would kill us. I came a long way in a year.
I love sports. I've played sports and been an athlete all my life. Really, soccer, volleyball, whatever. My favorite sport is racquetball. Something about chasing that damn bouncy ball all over that court, hitting it as hard as you can when you do finally make contact with it.....LOVE IT...I suck and I don't know the rules but I can wear the outfit and pull it off. I even have a fancy racquet that would lead one to believe I know what the hell I'm doing. What does it matter, I get red-faced, sweaty, and crave water aferward so it's doing something, right? :-D (yes, I'm kidding)
So, agreeing to train w/ some marathoners and compete in some obstacle course thingy made me go for a nice run today. I'm the type of person that does what I say I'm going to do. If I say I'm going to train w/ you, I will. Yeah, my body hates my brain sometimes. I realized while I was on my lil journey that you don't need a fancy gym membership or a sleepless night of watching the P90X infomercial to get off your ass and do something. You need this:
1) Motivation: a SB for a friend that posts pictures of herself in a bikini to remind you you won't look like that ever but try to come close, an email conversation w/ an ex husband that went awry, some sibling rivalry, a bad day at work, an old photo of yourself at 324lbs, a recent photo caught at a bad angle (to which your friend that posted it hasn't responded to your request to delete yet), the simple desire to be healthy and fit, whatever the case may be.
2) Spandex - wear something skin tight, something with a little pinch to it just to serve as a reminder, little love tug, that if you run a little harder or push yourself a little longer, these pants might just fall off in a few months...I opted for black yoga pants and a black tank top. Make sure you go when the sun is out so that you can see your shadow cast on the pavement running right next to you and all those "curves?" that are exploding out of your skin tight attire, are soon to fall off if you can run a little harder.
3) Parking lot - I can't run on terrain just yet. I have to stick to flat surfaces (says my PT for my hip) so I opted for a huge parking lot of an arena (high school football arena but we are in TX so trust me, it's huge). Make sure, if you can, that this parking lot is next to some apartments. That way you get so freakin paranoid that someone worth something is watching you. (yes, we are all worth something, I meant someone like oh, I dunno, Brad Cooper --I think that was the cute guy in that movie I watched this weekend).
4) Music - This music does not have to be fast or upbeat. Put the Ipod on shuffle and just keep moving. I prefer to run to Eminem, honestly but today I just let it shuffle. Shakira came on and I did a little dance move while I ran (only when out of view of the apts along the hedge line)...and it helped that her album cover is hot...as in sexy and yeah, what I'd give to have that body...I think at that point, I may have done my stint at sprinting...til it was over. John Mayer came on and well, he's my next ex-husband so of course I ran to his song, little slower, probably more like a Zone 2 AT (neen, laugh), Rod Stewart came on and I did a lunge walk....and had a visual of those mall walkers in Amarillo at Western Plaza, oh wait, Brad Cooper could be watching from that window, Khaki, you better run...c'mon look lik you do this all the time. Run the straights, walk the turns...shit, or did we always walk the straights, run the turns? :-D Use whatever song, sad, mad, happy, to keep you moving. I actually danced a little in my "run"....and for the record, and an hour and 11 minutes later, I stopped. Thank God one of my best friends left a bottle of water in the car. I don't care if it was a little warm.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sankofa and peacocks
Sankofa is actually a West African symbol that means learning from the past. This is also the symbol of my first tattoo coupled w/ a peacock feather. Peacock feathers represent pride, and by extension, nobility and glory. Peacocks are also known to eat poisonous plants with no ill effects, making their feathers a symbol of incorruptibility and immortality. The feathers are also rumored to come back stronger and prettier than before. My mom used to bring home peacock feathers from her work when we were kids. I thought they were pretty but never understood her infatuation with them. I've pretty much got it in my mind how I want the tattoo done. Now, I just need to talk to Charley and see if he comes up w/ a better design than the two I have. One of my bff's has a sankofa on her foot. It's going to be pretty and have a lot of meaning. Then I'll call up Braden, and we can arrange a time to go get it done.
Anyway, here's speaking of learning from the past...
Imagine that you are at a grocery store. You have a loaf of bread, bag of sugar, and a gallon of milk. Upon checkout the cashier tells you that your total is $312. You would be puzzled, right? Very much so. Well then he/she proceeds to tell you that you are paying for the prior person's groceries because they were unable. Doesn't make sense does it? Why do we/people in relationships make the next person pay for the prior person's short comings, mistrusts, inabilities, etc.? Simple to say, you shouldn't. So, as I go on the dates I've now sworn not to go on anymore....I realized I was holding back, not that any of them were of quality or had any spark anyway. I just assume that a guy that wants to go out with me is automatically going to be a moron like some of the crazy dates prior or worse, I'll fall head over heels in love and they'll hurt me/cheat on me like Kevin did. I should probably work on that. Right now, I just want as many friends as I can get. I'm really not bitter or lonely or sad. I'm in a happy place actually. I'm very.....content.
I'm going to be kid-free all of next week. It's the last big hoorah before school starts. What will a girl do? Oh yeah, that's right. She'll work.
Anyway, here's speaking of learning from the past...
Imagine that you are at a grocery store. You have a loaf of bread, bag of sugar, and a gallon of milk. Upon checkout the cashier tells you that your total is $312. You would be puzzled, right? Very much so. Well then he/she proceeds to tell you that you are paying for the prior person's groceries because they were unable. Doesn't make sense does it? Why do we/people in relationships make the next person pay for the prior person's short comings, mistrusts, inabilities, etc.? Simple to say, you shouldn't. So, as I go on the dates I've now sworn not to go on anymore....I realized I was holding back, not that any of them were of quality or had any spark anyway. I just assume that a guy that wants to go out with me is automatically going to be a moron like some of the crazy dates prior or worse, I'll fall head over heels in love and they'll hurt me/cheat on me like Kevin did. I should probably work on that. Right now, I just want as many friends as I can get. I'm really not bitter or lonely or sad. I'm in a happy place actually. I'm very.....content.
I'm going to be kid-free all of next week. It's the last big hoorah before school starts. What will a girl do? Oh yeah, that's right. She'll work.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Me and You
It's Sunday and the boys are napping. I just made the best French fries ever. I actually fried them which I know is not healthy. I put garlic salt on them right when they were hot, it was just like they do at a restaurant called North by Northwest here in Austin. Yum!
Church was great this morning. It was about freedom but not necessarily politically related freedom. More spiritual. I sat in the second row with my new friend Diane. There was a musician named Trent Monk that played acoustic guitar, which I'm a sucker for in just about any situation. After church, Diane sent me a text that the song Me and You was awesome and made her cry. So, I downloaded it from iTunes. Yes, very moving. The lyrics:
A broken heart and lonely eyes
Are getting easier to disguise
And I won't soon forget all that we've been through
As I come to the end of me and you
As you go your way and I go mine
Brand new lives for each of us to find
I wish you the best in all you do
As I come to the end of me and you
And I'm moving on
I will be strong
My heart will heal in time
I faced my fears
I fought them all
Now it's time to go because there's so much more
Waiting patiently on me
Days move on and smiles we turn
As I chalk it all up to lessons learned
I lift my head up up toward the sky
I may never know all of the reasons why
But I'm still going to put my heart in all I do
As I come to the end of me and you.....
Church was great this morning. It was about freedom but not necessarily politically related freedom. More spiritual. I sat in the second row with my new friend Diane. There was a musician named Trent Monk that played acoustic guitar, which I'm a sucker for in just about any situation. After church, Diane sent me a text that the song Me and You was awesome and made her cry. So, I downloaded it from iTunes. Yes, very moving. The lyrics:
A broken heart and lonely eyes
Are getting easier to disguise
And I won't soon forget all that we've been through
As I come to the end of me and you
As you go your way and I go mine
Brand new lives for each of us to find
I wish you the best in all you do
As I come to the end of me and you
And I'm moving on
I will be strong
My heart will heal in time
I faced my fears
I fought them all
Now it's time to go because there's so much more
Waiting patiently on me
Days move on and smiles we turn
As I chalk it all up to lessons learned
I lift my head up up toward the sky
I may never know all of the reasons why
But I'm still going to put my heart in all I do
As I come to the end of me and you.....
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Man of My Dreams
Here I sit singing at the top of my lungs in my little office inside my apartment, spotless, laundry done, and a freshly baked chocolate cake....all to myself. I have had an interesting reflective weekend. Much needed to say the least. Braden didn't come. He said his grandmother had a stroke so he drove to Amarillo. It worked out better actually. I had a great weekend tagging along w/ my sister and brother in law to random places. They're so funny. They point out any guy that would appear to be single. Then they try to coach me on approaching him. And witnessing their coupledom in and of itself is humorous. I hope they stay together forever. They seem to complement each other well. I guess people thought of me and Kevin like that at one time though. Anyway, I've realized some things about dating this weekend given I had a dateless weekend.
First, I have to mention that TN and Joe allowed me to tag along w/ them on Saturday. We went to San Marcos where Joe's childhood buddy, Ryan, was having a birthday party for his son, Gavin. Gavin was turning 6. Gavin has cerebral palsy and could NOT be cuter. I met Ryan a year ago at my sister's wedding. He was one of the groomsmen. I remember at the rehearsal dinner, I was a bit of a wreck, with my boys at a fancier restaurant, party of like 30 so there was a lot of waiting, and it was late, I was amidst divorce so it was one of my first outings solo. Ryan walked over, reached into his pocket, handed Kasyn a package of crayons. I couldn't have been more relieved. I thanked him. At any rate, Ryan is a very charming, good looking, single dad of two boys. Gavin is now 6 and Austen is 10. We went to the party at a bowling alley. Just watching him interact w/ his kids was heart warming. The mom has nothing to do w/ her children. To me, I don't get it. It blows my mind how someone could NOT have anything to do with their children and these boys are SO sweet. I helped Austen get better fitting shoes. He was so polite. Gavin was a bit shy. He walks w/ braces on his legs and crutches on both arms, at 6. I must admit, I wanted to baul like a baby watching Ryan bowl w/ his boys. Too many emotions, the fact that my children couldn't be more healthy....how undeserving I feel sometimes, the single dad factor, the fact that it woudn't have mattered if they were at Main Event or this podunk Sunset Bowl, bowling alley..they were having an awesome time. I talked to his mom and other guests of the party. I love people. I love learning about people. And yeah, I'll be honest, Ryan is easy on the eyes so I was nervous. That coupled with the fact that TN and Joe brought me there on purpose made me feel a bit on display. There was a point where I talked to Ryan and TN says we were both nervous acting. Anyway, he just seemed like a good ol' country boy having a good time w/ his boys. Very endearing.
Now, on to the subject of the blog, when my divorce was final, I think I said yes to every man who asked me to dinner, just to regain some weird sense of value, and again recently over the last several weeks. But that method has lost its appeal, and I've decided I'd rather go to the gym, lay out by the pool, rent a movie, sing to myself, hope and wish great things about my future. You know how you sit and ponder what you would do if you won the lottery? That's what I do about my future mate. I wonder what he'll look like, what we'll do, where we'll go, when I'll meet him. It's better that sitting across from a stranger meal after meal, drink after drink, coffee after coffee. I've had some dinners and conversations with some really great guys. I've also had some very weird conversations that have led me to believe that I've lost time I can never regain. Thank goodness there are lessons to be learned or it really would be a lost cause.
I'm convinced that it's going to take a very good, generous, healthy, strong man to wrap his arms around my life and my children. And that, my dears, is worth waiting for. I've come to know a few things for sure: One, this is the best life I have ever known. Even struggling with finding content in my career, struggling financially, dating woes, and lack of having the ultimate best friend, it's still the best life I've ever known. I'm in a good place and I'm not desperate. I'm very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart. I have plenty to keep me busy. Kids to raise. A home to make beautiful. A heart that wants to enjoy every single day and pay attention to the blessings around me. There are people to serve and a great big world to see. I'm not waiting to live while I wait on someone's love. I'm becoming more and more OK with this no-amazing-man-relationship place that I'm in. I actually think it's working to the advantage of me and the boys.
Not to mislead anyone, but I love to be held, desire to be desired, would love to be cared for, have adult conversation at the end of the day. I also get tired of being strong, and it sucks to make major life decisions alone, moreover, make EVERY decision alone. So, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation. I'm just in no hurry.
My dating lessons have come in a clumsy effort to find balance. Maybe I'll be a single mom with a date every once in a while, or maybe I won't. But the bar is set high now. I'm holding out for a special man. I work with a bunch of people married and/or in relationships and honestly, most days, provide them entertainment. The guys get a kick out of my stories, mostly because I'm a weird-man magnet. Braden says I'm too picky. Some of my other friends would agree. Here's the thing. Define picky. What about those women who aren't picky? EEK! Picky doesn't resolve that I'm snooty or aspire the unattainable. And if asking the guys that think I'm picky, if I were their sister, would they want me to be picky? The answer is yes. They wouldn't want me settling for any old man out of convenience.
I think it's mandatory to expect more. I have several lives to consider here. If I'm going to bring another man into the lives of my children, not to mention all of our hearts, he damn well better be worth it. One thing I can't get my brother to understand is that I know I have my whole life in front of me. The anticipation is thrilling. Meanwhile, I'm having a nice time going to dinner every once in a while. I'm trying to consciously use this time to examine my desires, balancing both the realistic and the dreamy. Observing what goes on around me. Watching how other women have chosen and how that turns out for them. Deciding what I like in a man and what I could learn to like. What matters most. I am more resolved than ever to keep the bar of my expectations securely bolted on the higher pegs. And if I never reach that bar, so be it, I will be single. So what?
The raised bar looks like this: He's already prepackaged, before-he-gets-to-me happy. I'm not saying he can't ever be sad or disappointed or grumpy. And I don't mean artificial happy (JR). I mean someone who is making peace with his childhood disappointments or the rejection he has known or the failures he's endured, not moping, day after day. I want a man who is already full of enthusiasm without me. Someone stepping up and looking out at a bigger life to be lived. For lack of a better word, mostly happy. You see, I want to add to someone's happiness. I want to multiply happy. Share happy. I don't want to MAKE someone happy.
I learned a long time ago that people are happy because they choose to be happy. People are content and pleasant because they've done the hard work to become consistent in countenance and purpose. And a guy that "has potential" is not for me either. He needs to already be there. Already pursuing his calling, operating in many of his strengths, full of decision and passion and having his own adventure. I'd prefer someone who is already living his amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman. We all have unrealized potential that waiting to explode amid the right circumstances, perhaps even the right relationship, but in my 30s with children in tow, would prefer someone who has already realized his potential for the most part.
There's no way to downplay or hide the obvious. I am 4 people. We 4 are a lot. We are loud, silly, busy, eat a lot, get more clothes dirty than should be allowed, laugh until we're annoying, and even cry. Sometimes we fight, throw things, and get down right mean and ugly. There's always something when you are 4 people. Always. Always something to do or someone to love or something to endure together. And even when I'm alone, like this weekend....I'm still 4 people. I think for 4, believe for 4, and fight for the hearts of 4. It can't be changed or undone. That's why my standards are high. There's so much little stuff when you're 4 people. Stingy men need not apply. The self-centered will be disappointed. If you ever needed to be sure that it's not all about you, step into my world and watch life happen for a few. Every day I am more and more convinced; it's not about me. Imperfections tend to be magnified when you are 4 people. Big ol' me and 3 little ol' kind-of-like-me's. All of which are a work in progress, non having arrived to our final destination yet. We're going to need someone with a ridiculous kind of love. Rockstar love, actually.
So, to my brother, who wonders why I'm in such a hurry dating. I'm not. I can't scream it any louder. I'm learning and waiting and figuring out what I want and what my standards are. Having not dated post divorce, I would not know or have concluded any of these things. I can confess that I would like to share life with someone at some point. I would. If he comes, he'll be everything I want and more. If he never comes, there wasn't one good enough for me and 3 and I'm cool with that. Just know that my bar is high and it should be.
I took a spin class today. I knew it was going to be hard. I was very nervous about it. My sister always has been this physical monster. Endurance like no other, pushes herself beyond her human capacity10 fold, and it has always been an admirable characteristic of her's. Today, there we sit side by side on these bikes. Wowzie. For an entire hour, I peddled and peddled and sweat and sweat. And all the while any exertion I had was actually doubled in Tennessee. She's a freakin machine. No bullshit. Then we did some weights and went and ate turkey sandwiches. I came home and listened to church on the internet since I missed it going to the gym, uploaded some playlists on my iPod, went to the pool, laid out and read, people watched, went to the evening service at church, went to another single mom's house and had dinner, came home, made a chocolate cake, and blogged.
Throughout all this reflectiveness, I've cried. I've missed my old life but am so hopeful that a new, better life is waiting for me, an amazing life. And sure, I've missed Kevin but today he really pissed me off. And sometimes that really helps me not miss him. He was throwing a birthday party for Kyan. Did he even mention it to me? Nope. Did I get invited? Not no, but hell no. In fact, when I told him today via text that he could've invited me, not that I would've come but that I invited him to the twins bday and will always try to include him in anything I have planned for them, he said to me, "Why would you expect that I would invite you?" Gee, moron, I don't know, maybe because those boys are mine whether you like it or not. Maybe because any issues you may have with me are between me and you (or perhaps even just you and you) and not them. Any of them. They didn't ask for this. You did though. Oh yes, you did. So you can't invite me to a birthday party. But yet, we had to invite Caitlin to all of Britt's parties? What's so different? Interesting.
Back to dreaming of my amazing life.......thank God for music, not sure I'd be sane w/o it.
First, I have to mention that TN and Joe allowed me to tag along w/ them on Saturday. We went to San Marcos where Joe's childhood buddy, Ryan, was having a birthday party for his son, Gavin. Gavin was turning 6. Gavin has cerebral palsy and could NOT be cuter. I met Ryan a year ago at my sister's wedding. He was one of the groomsmen. I remember at the rehearsal dinner, I was a bit of a wreck, with my boys at a fancier restaurant, party of like 30 so there was a lot of waiting, and it was late, I was amidst divorce so it was one of my first outings solo. Ryan walked over, reached into his pocket, handed Kasyn a package of crayons. I couldn't have been more relieved. I thanked him. At any rate, Ryan is a very charming, good looking, single dad of two boys. Gavin is now 6 and Austen is 10. We went to the party at a bowling alley. Just watching him interact w/ his kids was heart warming. The mom has nothing to do w/ her children. To me, I don't get it. It blows my mind how someone could NOT have anything to do with their children and these boys are SO sweet. I helped Austen get better fitting shoes. He was so polite. Gavin was a bit shy. He walks w/ braces on his legs and crutches on both arms, at 6. I must admit, I wanted to baul like a baby watching Ryan bowl w/ his boys. Too many emotions, the fact that my children couldn't be more healthy....how undeserving I feel sometimes, the single dad factor, the fact that it woudn't have mattered if they were at Main Event or this podunk Sunset Bowl, bowling alley..they were having an awesome time. I talked to his mom and other guests of the party. I love people. I love learning about people. And yeah, I'll be honest, Ryan is easy on the eyes so I was nervous. That coupled with the fact that TN and Joe brought me there on purpose made me feel a bit on display. There was a point where I talked to Ryan and TN says we were both nervous acting. Anyway, he just seemed like a good ol' country boy having a good time w/ his boys. Very endearing.
Now, on to the subject of the blog, when my divorce was final, I think I said yes to every man who asked me to dinner, just to regain some weird sense of value, and again recently over the last several weeks. But that method has lost its appeal, and I've decided I'd rather go to the gym, lay out by the pool, rent a movie, sing to myself, hope and wish great things about my future. You know how you sit and ponder what you would do if you won the lottery? That's what I do about my future mate. I wonder what he'll look like, what we'll do, where we'll go, when I'll meet him. It's better that sitting across from a stranger meal after meal, drink after drink, coffee after coffee. I've had some dinners and conversations with some really great guys. I've also had some very weird conversations that have led me to believe that I've lost time I can never regain. Thank goodness there are lessons to be learned or it really would be a lost cause.
I'm convinced that it's going to take a very good, generous, healthy, strong man to wrap his arms around my life and my children. And that, my dears, is worth waiting for. I've come to know a few things for sure: One, this is the best life I have ever known. Even struggling with finding content in my career, struggling financially, dating woes, and lack of having the ultimate best friend, it's still the best life I've ever known. I'm in a good place and I'm not desperate. I'm very content to wait for a very good man with a very big heart. I have plenty to keep me busy. Kids to raise. A home to make beautiful. A heart that wants to enjoy every single day and pay attention to the blessings around me. There are people to serve and a great big world to see. I'm not waiting to live while I wait on someone's love. I'm becoming more and more OK with this no-amazing-man-relationship place that I'm in. I actually think it's working to the advantage of me and the boys.
Not to mislead anyone, but I love to be held, desire to be desired, would love to be cared for, have adult conversation at the end of the day. I also get tired of being strong, and it sucks to make major life decisions alone, moreover, make EVERY decision alone. So, I'd be lying if I didn't tell you that it would be so great to have someone to share a meal with, or a movie, or a phone conversation. I'm just in no hurry.
My dating lessons have come in a clumsy effort to find balance. Maybe I'll be a single mom with a date every once in a while, or maybe I won't. But the bar is set high now. I'm holding out for a special man. I work with a bunch of people married and/or in relationships and honestly, most days, provide them entertainment. The guys get a kick out of my stories, mostly because I'm a weird-man magnet. Braden says I'm too picky. Some of my other friends would agree. Here's the thing. Define picky. What about those women who aren't picky? EEK! Picky doesn't resolve that I'm snooty or aspire the unattainable. And if asking the guys that think I'm picky, if I were their sister, would they want me to be picky? The answer is yes. They wouldn't want me settling for any old man out of convenience.
I think it's mandatory to expect more. I have several lives to consider here. If I'm going to bring another man into the lives of my children, not to mention all of our hearts, he damn well better be worth it. One thing I can't get my brother to understand is that I know I have my whole life in front of me. The anticipation is thrilling. Meanwhile, I'm having a nice time going to dinner every once in a while. I'm trying to consciously use this time to examine my desires, balancing both the realistic and the dreamy. Observing what goes on around me. Watching how other women have chosen and how that turns out for them. Deciding what I like in a man and what I could learn to like. What matters most. I am more resolved than ever to keep the bar of my expectations securely bolted on the higher pegs. And if I never reach that bar, so be it, I will be single. So what?
The raised bar looks like this: He's already prepackaged, before-he-gets-to-me happy. I'm not saying he can't ever be sad or disappointed or grumpy. And I don't mean artificial happy (JR). I mean someone who is making peace with his childhood disappointments or the rejection he has known or the failures he's endured, not moping, day after day. I want a man who is already full of enthusiasm without me. Someone stepping up and looking out at a bigger life to be lived. For lack of a better word, mostly happy. You see, I want to add to someone's happiness. I want to multiply happy. Share happy. I don't want to MAKE someone happy.
I learned a long time ago that people are happy because they choose to be happy. People are content and pleasant because they've done the hard work to become consistent in countenance and purpose. And a guy that "has potential" is not for me either. He needs to already be there. Already pursuing his calling, operating in many of his strengths, full of decision and passion and having his own adventure. I'd prefer someone who is already living his amazing life that would become even better alongside an amazing woman. We all have unrealized potential that waiting to explode amid the right circumstances, perhaps even the right relationship, but in my 30s with children in tow, would prefer someone who has already realized his potential for the most part.
There's no way to downplay or hide the obvious. I am 4 people. We 4 are a lot. We are loud, silly, busy, eat a lot, get more clothes dirty than should be allowed, laugh until we're annoying, and even cry. Sometimes we fight, throw things, and get down right mean and ugly. There's always something when you are 4 people. Always. Always something to do or someone to love or something to endure together. And even when I'm alone, like this weekend....I'm still 4 people. I think for 4, believe for 4, and fight for the hearts of 4. It can't be changed or undone. That's why my standards are high. There's so much little stuff when you're 4 people. Stingy men need not apply. The self-centered will be disappointed. If you ever needed to be sure that it's not all about you, step into my world and watch life happen for a few. Every day I am more and more convinced; it's not about me. Imperfections tend to be magnified when you are 4 people. Big ol' me and 3 little ol' kind-of-like-me's. All of which are a work in progress, non having arrived to our final destination yet. We're going to need someone with a ridiculous kind of love. Rockstar love, actually.
So, to my brother, who wonders why I'm in such a hurry dating. I'm not. I can't scream it any louder. I'm learning and waiting and figuring out what I want and what my standards are. Having not dated post divorce, I would not know or have concluded any of these things. I can confess that I would like to share life with someone at some point. I would. If he comes, he'll be everything I want and more. If he never comes, there wasn't one good enough for me and 3 and I'm cool with that. Just know that my bar is high and it should be.
I took a spin class today. I knew it was going to be hard. I was very nervous about it. My sister always has been this physical monster. Endurance like no other, pushes herself beyond her human capacity10 fold, and it has always been an admirable characteristic of her's. Today, there we sit side by side on these bikes. Wowzie. For an entire hour, I peddled and peddled and sweat and sweat. And all the while any exertion I had was actually doubled in Tennessee. She's a freakin machine. No bullshit. Then we did some weights and went and ate turkey sandwiches. I came home and listened to church on the internet since I missed it going to the gym, uploaded some playlists on my iPod, went to the pool, laid out and read, people watched, went to the evening service at church, went to another single mom's house and had dinner, came home, made a chocolate cake, and blogged.
Throughout all this reflectiveness, I've cried. I've missed my old life but am so hopeful that a new, better life is waiting for me, an amazing life. And sure, I've missed Kevin but today he really pissed me off. And sometimes that really helps me not miss him. He was throwing a birthday party for Kyan. Did he even mention it to me? Nope. Did I get invited? Not no, but hell no. In fact, when I told him today via text that he could've invited me, not that I would've come but that I invited him to the twins bday and will always try to include him in anything I have planned for them, he said to me, "Why would you expect that I would invite you?" Gee, moron, I don't know, maybe because those boys are mine whether you like it or not. Maybe because any issues you may have with me are between me and you (or perhaps even just you and you) and not them. Any of them. They didn't ask for this. You did though. Oh yes, you did. So you can't invite me to a birthday party. But yet, we had to invite Caitlin to all of Britt's parties? What's so different? Interesting.
Back to dreaming of my amazing life.......thank God for music, not sure I'd be sane w/o it.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Never Waste a Good Crisis
It seems to never stop in your life; mine, too. It often feels like crisis is just around the corner. One wrong step and *BAM*...your life is in a tailspin ...again. When I was younger I used to think that I would outgrow crisis. I would get to a place in life where I could outsmart it and life would just get easier. I would say to myself, "When I finish college I won't have to deal with this kind of stress anymore". Then later I'd say, "Once my career is under way I'll shake these money problems," or "When I get married, I'll no longer have relationship problems." Yeah… right! The truth is crisis is just a part of life.You will always have problems to face. Relationships will have conflict. Money and jobs come with stress. You will experience loss. You will have to deal with tragedy at some point. Sooner or later you’re going to fail at something. When crisis shows up, you can let it break you down or you can use the situation to grow and learn...and become a better person for it.
I think crisis can fall on a spectrum. There's the mini-crisis which is in the heat of the moment but you overcome it in a few minutes or hours. Example, losing your debit card and pulling up to the window in a drive-thru and that is your only means to pay except that just when you think you might have to explain to the barista, you discover that debit card has fallen in your lap or something. Then there's the mega-crisis, big things like no light in sight at the end of that tunnel....some financial woes, loss of a job, divorce, death, etc. And then there's those things in between.
So, my break-up with Jefferson was on a spectrum of crisis but little did I realize in that moment of sadness, okay, days of sadness, that I would recover 10 fold. He was not that devastating but the WAY it was handled was a bit of a blow. Not worth analyzing. I will say that I am relationally miles ahead of where I was months ago. I just think I'm getting it. Slowly but surely, I'm getting it. The people in my life today that weren't here even 6 months ago, are such a welcome to my life. I can't explain it and each for very different reasons. They wouldn't be here if I were still w/ Jefferson. I'm getting out and about and taking risks and becoming more and more an extrovert. I guess I've always been one but moreso lately. I'm learning so much about myself.
With all that said, I wonder why people are important to some people and others are content being loners. At work I took a test. Myers-Briggs to be exact. My score was summarized as "Social Realist" which I believe to be very true. You'd have to read the score to understand the results. www.41q.com/type.41q?p=13677515&n=Khaki Social Realist: Warm-hearted, popular and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function Careers that woudl fit Khaki: Home economics, nursing, teaching, administrators, child care, family practice physician, clergy, office managers, counselors, social workers, bookkeeping, accounting, secretaries, organization leaders, dental assistants, homemakers, radiological technologists, receptionists, religious educators, speech pathologists
Braden is coming to town this weekend. I think we'll have a good time. I'm looking forward to it. No dates, no stress, just some good ol' fun. It's new but familiar all at the same time. He even said he'd get a pedicure with me. Wow. I swear, if he was gay, he'd be the perfect best friend ever. We're gonna have fun.
I'm hating my job more than ever. The hours they want me to put in are ridiculous. I can't keep up with the demands. I do a good job though and one of the controllers said, "Who doesn't like Khaki?" I said, "No kidding, right?" He said, "You definitely have a likeability factor." We were speaking in comparison to someone that also did a good job at what she does but she is less than favorable with the other accountants.
My hip constantly aches but I can't afford to go to physical therapy 2-3 times a week. I do what she showed me at home but after this weekend, it's killing me. I wish at this point, they'd cut me open and just fix it. :-(
Off to bed, exhausted.
I think crisis can fall on a spectrum. There's the mini-crisis which is in the heat of the moment but you overcome it in a few minutes or hours. Example, losing your debit card and pulling up to the window in a drive-thru and that is your only means to pay except that just when you think you might have to explain to the barista, you discover that debit card has fallen in your lap or something. Then there's the mega-crisis, big things like no light in sight at the end of that tunnel....some financial woes, loss of a job, divorce, death, etc. And then there's those things in between.
So, my break-up with Jefferson was on a spectrum of crisis but little did I realize in that moment of sadness, okay, days of sadness, that I would recover 10 fold. He was not that devastating but the WAY it was handled was a bit of a blow. Not worth analyzing. I will say that I am relationally miles ahead of where I was months ago. I just think I'm getting it. Slowly but surely, I'm getting it. The people in my life today that weren't here even 6 months ago, are such a welcome to my life. I can't explain it and each for very different reasons. They wouldn't be here if I were still w/ Jefferson. I'm getting out and about and taking risks and becoming more and more an extrovert. I guess I've always been one but moreso lately. I'm learning so much about myself.
With all that said, I wonder why people are important to some people and others are content being loners. At work I took a test. Myers-Briggs to be exact. My score was summarized as "Social Realist" which I believe to be very true. You'd have to read the score to understand the results. www.41q.com/type.41q?p=13677515&n=Khaki Social Realist: Warm-hearted, popular and conscientious. Tend to put the needs of others over their own needs. Feel strong sense of responsibility and duty. Value traditions and security. Interested in serving others. Need positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Well-developed sense of space and function Careers that woudl fit Khaki: Home economics, nursing, teaching, administrators, child care, family practice physician, clergy, office managers, counselors, social workers, bookkeeping, accounting, secretaries, organization leaders, dental assistants, homemakers, radiological technologists, receptionists, religious educators, speech pathologists
Braden is coming to town this weekend. I think we'll have a good time. I'm looking forward to it. No dates, no stress, just some good ol' fun. It's new but familiar all at the same time. He even said he'd get a pedicure with me. Wow. I swear, if he was gay, he'd be the perfect best friend ever. We're gonna have fun.
I'm hating my job more than ever. The hours they want me to put in are ridiculous. I can't keep up with the demands. I do a good job though and one of the controllers said, "Who doesn't like Khaki?" I said, "No kidding, right?" He said, "You definitely have a likeability factor." We were speaking in comparison to someone that also did a good job at what she does but she is less than favorable with the other accountants.
My hip constantly aches but I can't afford to go to physical therapy 2-3 times a week. I do what she showed me at home but after this weekend, it's killing me. I wish at this point, they'd cut me open and just fix it. :-(
Off to bed, exhausted.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Brink of Break
Hmmm, where to begin.....
I started Chantix today. It's not that I don't think I can't quit smoking on my own. I just wanted something to work really fast. I want more out of life than sitting out on the patio chain smoking looking at a brick wall in the evenings. So, I've told everyone close to me that I've started it. In fact, just took my first dose. And I've been preached to about the side effects but think I'll be okay. I wonder how the absorption of such meds is going to affect me having had gastric bypass. We shall see. I talked to my friend Matt who just used it to quit and he said I would notice really quickly....like in a week. That's how it was w/ Kevin when he did it too awhile back. We'll see. Perhaps this time next week, I'll be a non-smoker. I'm kind of a closet smoker as it is anyway.
So, I've been reading on this whole Femoral Acetabular Impingement diagnosis of my hip and the idea of surgery. I'm torn. While I've had this pain for the better part of 6 years, part of me thinks living with the pain might be better. Here lately though, I can't sleep or walk or sit or anything w/o this dull constant ache in my hip. If I sit long enough, it burns. The clicking is out of control. We'll know Monday for sure what the doctor wants to do. Arthroscopy, open hip surgery, or hip replacement. Meanwhile, today, I noticed my other hip has a lovely grind to it too. Not sure if that's because I've been using it to overcompensate for the weaker right hip or what. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if because I'm so freakin busy and going all the time if this is God's way of telling me to be still. Oh I'll be still alright....3 days in the hospital, 2 weeks off work (yay!), and then 6 months of rehab and physical therapy, etc. I don't know. Sheesh!
Oh and I weighed again today, I'm 149. That's 2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight w/ Kyan. Wow, never thought I'd see that weight again. You figure I have about 7 or so lbs of excess skin so wow, I have the potential to be one sexy machine. Ha, if only.....
This stomach bug I've been hit with has been interesting. Can't eat for nothing. I've managed a few bites of food here and there and can now drink again whereas Saturday you couldn't have paid me to take a sip of water. I'm so glad to be home. There's no place I'd rather be sick than here, especially THAT kind of sick. I was so embarrassed at Braden's. He was so nice about it though. When he found out that I had slept in a parking lot in my car, he was like, "Khaaaaakii, why didn't you call me? I would've had the door man let you in and you could've slept here?" I said, "I didn't want to bother you and that would also mean I would've had to drive over an hour to get back here." He shook his head. All my stuff was there, I should've.
Oh I guess I haven't blogged about my weekend meeting Braden yet. He's cute as ever. As in looks. And I can see that he has this side of him that he doesn't share much. I caught glimpses of it but it would retreat. All in all we had a great time. Eating sushi together was one of my favorite parts of the weekend. Of course, that was before I got sick. But we were talking and he said, "You know, if this wasn't the first date, I'd ask for a cup of ice and pour it in my wine, it's not quite box enough for me." I laughed and in my mind reeled, "Did he just call this a date?" I told him if he did, he could add ice to mine too. The condo wasn't what I expected. It was a bit much, actually. I expected a bachelor pad. Not at all what this place was. It was the 32nd floor of a Fort Worth sky rise with an awesome view of downtown, decorated like something out of a Victorian version of Cribs on MTV. Seriously, I couldn't believe it. A movie theater IN the condo? C'mon. Je was a generous host. It was good to see him and his text message to me on the way home about 30 minutes after I left said, "You are as amazing as I remember. I had a great weekend. Have a safe trip back." I didn't respond for like 4 hours. When I did I probably relayed mixed signals. No, I'm sure I did. When we went out Friday night, he left me standing in the lobby because he needed to go back up and unlock the door. I was standing there and this guy, Rob (I think), walked up to the front desk looking me up and down and said, "Hi there, what's your name?" I said, "Khaki." He said, "Khaki, where are you headed?" I said, "With one of my best friends downtown." He, "Do you live here?" Me, "No, I'm from Austin, I just came to visit my friend, Braden who lives here." Then in walks Braden. They shake hands. Braden and I were walking out and he said, "I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes and you get hit on, Khaki. Damn." We were smiling. It was funny. I felt good. He did tell me how sexy I looked (flowy shirt but fitted at the waist, black jeans, heels, chunky jewelry, hair down) and how beautiful I was and that he thought I had only gotten prettier the older I got. I took the compliment. Anyway, long story short, I got hit on later in the evening. One guy even said he noticed me the second we walked in and then he noticed Braden. I got "the big brown eyes" compliment. So, I don't know what is up w/ me and Braden. I'll take the friendship for sure though. I'm going to have to teach him a few things though. I think he comes across as an asshole sometimes because of his own insecurities. One of my best friends, Tara, went out w/ us Saturday night and I had the most entertaining time listening to the two of them banter. Sometimes he's so freakin funny. I told him about my surgery and he said, "Let me know if you need a nurse." To which I wrote, "Why so you can send Jim down here to take care of me?" (Jim was a nurse, we met Friday/Saturday). He replied, "There's another option." I wrote, "No thanks on Jimbo." Braden is an ER nurse. I just couldn't let him think I wanted him down here. Although he was a champ for me getting sick all weekend. And to think, I didn't even drink, except for the wine at dinner our first night. Enough about that, I could go on with more funny stuff from the weekend but I'm getting very tired.
Oh and JR and I had text words on Friday and he asked me not to come to the track. THEN he didn't even show up. Really? C'mon. I wasn't going to say anything to him and Janna at all. I have nothing to say whatsoever. He did introduce me to some great people though and I don't know why he can just man-up and treat me like some punk he can't stand at the racetrack and ignore me. Little Matt sent me a text, Jefferson didn't come, come party! and I was so tempted to go but it was late and I didn't feel well and had already committed to Braden on going out again. I'm not doing well on taming the hatred for Jefferson. He should've gone to the race. His friends wanted him there and were a little disappointed and confused. It's not like they're picking me over him. And really, JR, if I wanted drama, I would've just gone and not even let you know I was coming. Again, m-o-r-o-n. How old is he? Such a baby when he doesn't get his way. His fb status said something about someone not being who he thought they were....really? Look in a mirror, buddy. JC!!!!
So, MRI tomorrow and we'll know on Monday what my options are. And cheers to month-end and being so far behind. Ugh.
I started Chantix today. It's not that I don't think I can't quit smoking on my own. I just wanted something to work really fast. I want more out of life than sitting out on the patio chain smoking looking at a brick wall in the evenings. So, I've told everyone close to me that I've started it. In fact, just took my first dose. And I've been preached to about the side effects but think I'll be okay. I wonder how the absorption of such meds is going to affect me having had gastric bypass. We shall see. I talked to my friend Matt who just used it to quit and he said I would notice really quickly....like in a week. That's how it was w/ Kevin when he did it too awhile back. We'll see. Perhaps this time next week, I'll be a non-smoker. I'm kind of a closet smoker as it is anyway.
So, I've been reading on this whole Femoral Acetabular Impingement diagnosis of my hip and the idea of surgery. I'm torn. While I've had this pain for the better part of 6 years, part of me thinks living with the pain might be better. Here lately though, I can't sleep or walk or sit or anything w/o this dull constant ache in my hip. If I sit long enough, it burns. The clicking is out of control. We'll know Monday for sure what the doctor wants to do. Arthroscopy, open hip surgery, or hip replacement. Meanwhile, today, I noticed my other hip has a lovely grind to it too. Not sure if that's because I've been using it to overcompensate for the weaker right hip or what. Anyway, sometimes I wonder if because I'm so freakin busy and going all the time if this is God's way of telling me to be still. Oh I'll be still alright....3 days in the hospital, 2 weeks off work (yay!), and then 6 months of rehab and physical therapy, etc. I don't know. Sheesh!
Oh and I weighed again today, I'm 149. That's 2 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight w/ Kyan. Wow, never thought I'd see that weight again. You figure I have about 7 or so lbs of excess skin so wow, I have the potential to be one sexy machine. Ha, if only.....
This stomach bug I've been hit with has been interesting. Can't eat for nothing. I've managed a few bites of food here and there and can now drink again whereas Saturday you couldn't have paid me to take a sip of water. I'm so glad to be home. There's no place I'd rather be sick than here, especially THAT kind of sick. I was so embarrassed at Braden's. He was so nice about it though. When he found out that I had slept in a parking lot in my car, he was like, "Khaaaaakii, why didn't you call me? I would've had the door man let you in and you could've slept here?" I said, "I didn't want to bother you and that would also mean I would've had to drive over an hour to get back here." He shook his head. All my stuff was there, I should've.
Oh I guess I haven't blogged about my weekend meeting Braden yet. He's cute as ever. As in looks. And I can see that he has this side of him that he doesn't share much. I caught glimpses of it but it would retreat. All in all we had a great time. Eating sushi together was one of my favorite parts of the weekend. Of course, that was before I got sick. But we were talking and he said, "You know, if this wasn't the first date, I'd ask for a cup of ice and pour it in my wine, it's not quite box enough for me." I laughed and in my mind reeled, "Did he just call this a date?" I told him if he did, he could add ice to mine too. The condo wasn't what I expected. It was a bit much, actually. I expected a bachelor pad. Not at all what this place was. It was the 32nd floor of a Fort Worth sky rise with an awesome view of downtown, decorated like something out of a Victorian version of Cribs on MTV. Seriously, I couldn't believe it. A movie theater IN the condo? C'mon. Je was a generous host. It was good to see him and his text message to me on the way home about 30 minutes after I left said, "You are as amazing as I remember. I had a great weekend. Have a safe trip back." I didn't respond for like 4 hours. When I did I probably relayed mixed signals. No, I'm sure I did. When we went out Friday night, he left me standing in the lobby because he needed to go back up and unlock the door. I was standing there and this guy, Rob (I think), walked up to the front desk looking me up and down and said, "Hi there, what's your name?" I said, "Khaki." He said, "Khaki, where are you headed?" I said, "With one of my best friends downtown." He, "Do you live here?" Me, "No, I'm from Austin, I just came to visit my friend, Braden who lives here." Then in walks Braden. They shake hands. Braden and I were walking out and he said, "I can't leave you alone for 5 minutes and you get hit on, Khaki. Damn." We were smiling. It was funny. I felt good. He did tell me how sexy I looked (flowy shirt but fitted at the waist, black jeans, heels, chunky jewelry, hair down) and how beautiful I was and that he thought I had only gotten prettier the older I got. I took the compliment. Anyway, long story short, I got hit on later in the evening. One guy even said he noticed me the second we walked in and then he noticed Braden. I got "the big brown eyes" compliment. So, I don't know what is up w/ me and Braden. I'll take the friendship for sure though. I'm going to have to teach him a few things though. I think he comes across as an asshole sometimes because of his own insecurities. One of my best friends, Tara, went out w/ us Saturday night and I had the most entertaining time listening to the two of them banter. Sometimes he's so freakin funny. I told him about my surgery and he said, "Let me know if you need a nurse." To which I wrote, "Why so you can send Jim down here to take care of me?" (Jim was a nurse, we met Friday/Saturday). He replied, "There's another option." I wrote, "No thanks on Jimbo." Braden is an ER nurse. I just couldn't let him think I wanted him down here. Although he was a champ for me getting sick all weekend. And to think, I didn't even drink, except for the wine at dinner our first night. Enough about that, I could go on with more funny stuff from the weekend but I'm getting very tired.
Oh and JR and I had text words on Friday and he asked me not to come to the track. THEN he didn't even show up. Really? C'mon. I wasn't going to say anything to him and Janna at all. I have nothing to say whatsoever. He did introduce me to some great people though and I don't know why he can just man-up and treat me like some punk he can't stand at the racetrack and ignore me. Little Matt sent me a text, Jefferson didn't come, come party! and I was so tempted to go but it was late and I didn't feel well and had already committed to Braden on going out again. I'm not doing well on taming the hatred for Jefferson. He should've gone to the race. His friends wanted him there and were a little disappointed and confused. It's not like they're picking me over him. And really, JR, if I wanted drama, I would've just gone and not even let you know I was coming. Again, m-o-r-o-n. How old is he? Such a baby when he doesn't get his way. His fb status said something about someone not being who he thought they were....really? Look in a mirror, buddy. JC!!!!
So, MRI tomorrow and we'll know on Monday what my options are. And cheers to month-end and being so far behind. Ugh.
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